Pregnant with 2nd child, DH’s diagnosed with cancer- do I share or keep a secret?

[Arevena]

A week and a half ago I found out I was pregnant with our second child. We weren’t trying but also weren’t not trying- leaving it to the date. I am only saying this to draw the picture.

Last week DH’s sister had a cancer scare and we were waiting for the biopsy results- according to the doctor at the time, it looked promising so I thought it better if I wait for the all clear so DH can enjoy the good news.

But the news weren’t great, but still not threatening to live, but we had to wait for another week for additional tests and appointments.

I decided to put off the announcement to DH until Father’s Day tomorrow , but today we had the news and my SIL has breast cancer- looks like it’s fully treatable, but she’s expecting a full masectomy and potentially radiotherapy, but she’s having more tests to exclude spreading of it. We are all very devastated and are getting all together for support tomorrow. DH has been in such terrible state of worry, I’ve been doing anything I can to support him.

I still haven’t told him about my secret, and in the meantime I crocheted a pair of booties which I wanted our DS to give to DH tomorrow with his Father’s Day card.

My dilemma is whether I should share the news with him now/tomorrow as planned, or should I wait few more weeks until after his sister’s surgery and further tests? I don’t know how he is going to react, as when he’s under pressure, he finds a lot of other things to stress about and we fight (usually about our sleeping arrangement, his lack of sanctuary (we live in a very small 2bed house and we co sleep - on a super king sized bed- with our DS- he’s 22 months and I’m still breastfeeding him) and a lot lot lotlot more.

I am very concerned he’s so worried about his sister, that in his state of mind he could find the news a burden rather than cause for happiness and I don’t want to add to his load. But I feel so very alone keeping it all to myself, and very vulnerable.

We are also about to start marriage counselling on the 23rd of June, so you can imagine it’s not rosy between us.

I don’t know where to turn- I haven’t spoken to any of my family about it, I’m feeling very anxious...

Wait. Give your all to your dh to support him through his worry. He might not be in the mood for good news and if your relationship isn't great he 'could' feel you're making the day about you when he wants it to be about his sister. There's no actual desperate need to tell him to be honest. Although if you were happily married without sad news about sister then obviously you'd not question whether to tell him or not....

Congrats - a nice secret to have

I would tell him. We’re going through the same with my mum at the moment who just found out she has cancer last month. She started chemo this week. We have a 3 month old and a 5 year old and focusing on the kids has helped keep me sane and been great for my mum too. The worst thing when you have cancer is that everyone makes such a big effing sad deal about it. Every conversation becomes about the cancer, people tiptoe around you. My mum said the best things people have done to support her is just to carry on and act normal and not make everything about the cancer. I know I would welcome something positive to focus on (even if a shock at first) and I would probably be really hurt if I was your dh and knew you kept something so important from me. Your SIL would likely also be really happy to hear the news when you’re ready to tell her.

Thank you ladies! I actually told him this morning and he was over the moon. He said exactly what you did, mondutopia, that this is a wonderful bit of news and the family will be so happy to have something so wonderful to cheer them up. He just shared the news wth his mum who was also so happy for us and the family. We’re heading there this morning.
We will try to keep things as normal for my SIL as possible, to keep her positive. Cancer is such a horrible disease, a positive diversion is a welcome thing. I am so relieved and happy. I feel now I have the strength to give my family full support. Thank you again.

That’s great to hear. Enjoy your time with your family today. And congrats!