@mumofmunchkin Your kind words bring floods of tears to my eyes and down my cheeks. I have disowned my family now - imagine all those years ago at secondary school where there was always a bunch of female bullies and gossips to make your life difficult - that is my family in a nutshell. Even if they decided to speak to me they wouldn't offer any support. I left home at an early age of 17. I guess that says it all.
I was thinking about swimming as I was a Mermaid once upon a time ago but I have lost all confidence and nerve to go out unless it is at night and I really have to. Usually to the hospital or out of hours doctor.
The cereal in my cupboard will only last me so long and the milk only a couple of days so I am thinking of selling my wedding rings which is heart breaking. Then again, my so called husband suddenly 'lost' his wedding band a couple of weeks ago. He expected me to replace it! With what money I don't know! It was hard enough selling my things, once upon a time ago, to actually buy his original ring. His ring was never good enough for him anyway as it was Titanium and not 18ct Gold. I don't work and spend most of my time ill so I couldn't have afforded it anyway.
Yes, I need human contact but can I trust anyone anymore? My husband is a compulsive liar and I guess that has worn me down to distrust the world. He promised me the world and gave me empty words in the process. I swear if social services come near me I will leave the country so I am not even going to tell my midwife who is already incredibly nosey and I find it very intrusive and unapproachable.
I had no idea he would act so differently and negatively to this pregnancy that has been planned for some 15 months now. He is irresponsible and reckless as well as immature and a criminal record now longer than your average monthly shop.
I feel so stupid. It is all my fault for not leaving sooner. Now I'm stuck in a house and county that I don't even want to be in. Getting legal aid is my next challenge as I don't claim any benefits apart from PIP for my long term disability. To be honest, I can't face the stress of going into that awful place called the job centre...pregnant (and showing already), depressed, soulless and ground down just to face an uptight advisor asking more intrusive questions.
Little did I know that I would be facing this pregnancy alone which has been seriously hard already. I'm just coming out of a life threatening IBD flare where I lost a lot of blood, hyperthyroidism which my heart thinking about giving up on me (I have severe hashimotos disease but pregnancy has over stimulated my thyroid gland to dangerous proportions), Hyperemesis, inflamed joints as a result of active ulcerative colitis...I'm having to take a lot of medication. Life right now is toilet, bed, eat, drink, bed, toilet and repeat.
When he was in prison he made an effort to contact me by any means illegally possible. Now he is with rich daddy, sucking up all his money and sympathy (because my ex is ALWAYS the victim and does no wrong) and he hasn't as much as ask if I am ok or made sure I have any money to eat. His debts keep rolling in, especially gas and electric and water bills which he said he had taken care of but hasn't.
He thinks he is providing....nope. I have provided some baby basics by selling what valuables I have left on eBay. Now I'm considering selling my wedding rings just so I can put fuel in my tank for antenatal and hospital visits and to provide myself with food.
I knew I should never have relied on him but I have been so seriously ill these last 4 years with the last 2 months being the most life threatening I have ever encountered.
Is it my hormones? Do I expect to much according to what he says as his word? Am I delusional to think he could ever be an honest man?
I helped him stop drinking alcohol like it was water. I helped him cut down on smoking. I sorted the house I moved into with him, from a hoarding waste site to a carpeted, hygienic beautiful smelling, organised home. I healed him from his last traumas so that he could at least function happier as a human being. I opened him eyes to intuition, and the simple things in life other than money.
Yet, I feel completely emotionally and physically drained, even before I was pregnant, I give and he takes takes takes takes takes. Where is my emotional support, counsel, safety net?
His constant lies of big and small have taken their toll. I no longer trust or respect him anymore. Everything he says takes a great degree of assessment on my part but then again, my intuition always tells me that something is amiss. Deception, lies, manipulation - whatever he tries to dress it up as; they all are one and the same. Lies.
I don't even think I can leave the house anymore. I feel incredibly incapacitated mentally and physically.
I can't believe he has abandoned me. I know he isn't allowed to contact me but that didn't stop him in prison. I have been hospitalised so many times in the last 2 months just to keep me live and yet he can turn his cheek and back to me knowing it will hurt me the most. He isn't just hurting me, he is hurting his own, first child as well.
I wanted to enjoy this pregnancy despite its health bumps as it is my new start to love and cherish another human being once again. Instead it is turning out to be a nightmare of abandonment and uncertainty.
If you were to see me writing this now, you would think what a sorry existence I have right now. But he's ok with rich daddy and grandma. Getting all the money and opportunity to act out his victim performance because, he does no wrong. He is still a spoilt only child at 41 years old.
"What's that son? You hit a man and got 2.5 years in prison? Here's a wodd if cash you poor thing. Yes the police are corrupt and it is not your fault. What's that son? You pushed your wife out of your car doing 60mph? She is to blame! Here's some cash you poor thing."
Blah. I'm over this human existence already. All I want to be is purely and truly loved and cherished consistently and not taken for granted.