So anxious in this pregnancy

[CathyandHeathcliff]

I'm almost 22 weeks with my first pregnancy and I'm really struggling.

I already suffer with anxiety and people may have seen previous posts from me.

My anxiety manifests itself in OCD thoughts, health anxiety and generalised anxiety.

I've had many worries since the start of this pregnancy, the first one was about the 12 week scan and that there would be nothing there or no heartbeat. The scan was fine. I calmed down for a few weeks, the next worry was the 20 week scan, I worried no heartbeat would be found or a condition would be diagnosed.
I had that last week and all was perfect.
The no worry phase lasted a few days. Now I'm on to the anxiety of feeling him moving regularly and also I've got it into my head I have an incompetent cervix. I'm getting quite obsessed with it and looking it up on Google all the time, which is what I used to do with my health anxiety. I know I'm doing it but I can't stop. It doesn't help that he's sitting really low in my pelvis and therefore I can feel pressure and keep needing to wee because of it. They checked my cervix and birth canal entrance at the ultrasound last Tuesday, no comment was made either way, so I assume that means all was well.
I often feel him really low, it's quite disconcerting, sometimes feels like he's going to kick his way out!

Another thing causing the anxiety is my mother, I know she doesn't mean to, but because she had an IC after she gave birth to me fine, she lost my would be sister at 23 weeks. She then went on to have my brother and although he was slightly premature, she'd already had a cervical stitch put in.
We grew up with this story and Mum and Dad never really got over it, especially Mum. She never sought any counselling or support afterwards. So as I grew up, she'd talk to me about it, they have a photo and she showed me it. It still haunts me to this day. I know that's horrible, but the poor thing looked like yellow transparent doll. As a teenager, it was pretty terrifying to me. But of course I put it out of my mind as me having babies was a long way off.
Now I'm pregnant and heading towards that date, my Mum is getting anxious, I can tell...she's also said she's not buying anything until 28 weeks because of it. It makes me feel worse, as though she thinks something will happen

I actually had to take a day off work today as I've been so anxious. Every time I wipe myself I'm expecting to see blood. I saw some the other day and it was from a small scratch on my outer vaginal skin which bled considerably because I'm on aspirin.

Anyway, I can't get it out of my head that something bad is going to happen...that I won't be bringing a baby home with me. It just seems too good to be true and something is bound to go wrong.

Sorry for the long and depressing post.

Anybody?

Can you have a chat with your midwife or doctor about being referred to the Perinatal Mental Health team for more support and possibly CBT?

Is it worth suggesting to your parents that they join their local SANDS charity to speak to other bereaved parents? I don’t think you ever get over the loss of your baby, but I find talking to others who have been in a similar situation helps me as they do understand in a way that others are never really able to. It might then, hopefully, mean your mum will be able to direct her worries elsewhere rather than exacerbating your anxiety.

I’ve had a lot of anxiety this pregnancy due to 3 previous miscarriages and all sorts of issues with bleeding and reduced movements. When you have history or personal experiences with any complications in pregnancy it ca. Make the whole thing feel so difficult and not very enjoyable.

I really would suggest speaking to your midwife about these worries you have. It’s great you recognise what causes the anxiety but it sounds like you need some support dealing with it. I know it’s hard to do especially when anxious or worried somethings wrong but please don’t google stuff! It makes it worse and try not to worry too much about movement yet. 22 weeks the baby is still small enough to change position and hide away. Yeah don’t advise to monitor patterns until 24 weeks and in my trust won’t monitor you in hospital
Until 28 weeks.

I’m sorry you’re having such a tough time xx

I can 100% relate to this, I had 2 miscarriages before a successful pregnancy and I would hold in my pee all day because I didn't want to wipe and see blood. I had extra private scans that I couldn't get excited about because I just expected the worst.

I spoke to talking therapies (not sure if they're National or local) but it's self referral and they really helped. Also, the maternity assessment unit were always happy to listen in to baby's heartbeat when I went in, as they are there for anxious mothers and reassurance too.

Your cervix will be absolutely fine, sonographers report on an ultrasound, and abnormality must be looked at by a consultant, and that hasn't happened. I used to feel my daughter so low down too it felt like her foot would pop out of my nunny! I think that is normal!

It took me to get to the 24 week viability milestone before I felt my shoulders drop a little bit, but in all honesty it is a struggle being a mother with anxiety...it's draining BUT as a positive spin on it I know that my daughter is looked after to the best of my ability and any concern I might have I get it checked, rather than post a pic on Facebook 'anyone know what this rash is?'

Your baby just needs to grow now, every day is a step forward and a blessing, Im sorry your mam went through what she did but it was a tragic event in her life, not yours.

Stay strong, you've got this

As a mostly recovered health anxiety sufferer, I completely get where you're coming from. Try to remember how you managed to deal with it in the past, and see if you can apply it now. I know that pregnancy is a brand new thing, you're not in control and there are a lot of new things that are causing you anxiety, but you need to try to tap into the methods you used before to overcome your health anxiety and do it again. (I used CBT and it is largely still effective for me, thankfully.). If you can't, you need to get referred to the perinatal mental health team.

Also please remember that you are not your mother. And her first pregnancy with you was fine, which suggests that the IC was not there originally, so you are unlikely to have 'inherited' it. If it helps, my mantra is 'Most women have normal pregnancies with no complications'. X