Any advice appreciated - serious sit-down conversation on Friday night to persuade reluctant dh to go for number 3

[fabarooney]

V. long, sorry. I've posted on a couple of recent threads so some of you already know this story. I'll explain again for anyone that hasn't heard my ramble!

We have 2 dds aged 4.5 and 2.5. I have always wanted three children. Dh is adamant that he wants to stick at 2.

Dh has many reasonable arguments for sticking at 2 which include (but are not limited to!) can we afford to do all the things we want for dds if we have another child such as school fees and university? Can we bear to go through the baby stage again? Will the strain be too much for us (I had PND after dd2 and dh has a pretty stressful job)? Will we have to get a horrible car (stupid I know, but this seems to matter to men)? Travelling with three will be much more stressful than 2. Can we give each child the love and attention it needs without losing time for ourselves? Is he too old to be a dad again at 37 (I know, I know, I'm just telling you what he said)?

I know these are rational arguments. My arguments are far more emotional. I have always wanted 3 children. I find myself getting more and more broody. I am so jealous of friends that are pregnant. I think that if I don't have a third I will look back in 20 years time and always regret it. I think I will blame dh too, unfairly, I know but I'm trying to be honest here.

I think that we are strong enough and have more than enough love among us all to welcome another child into the tribe. I have always said that I wanted a decent gap between nos 2 and 3 to allow no2 to get decent attention and not feel sandwiched between the eldest and the baby. Dd2 would start full-time pre-school in September 2005 and start reception in 2006. I would like a baby to be born between these dates so that dds 1 and 2 are at school f/t and that I am not at home with 3 toddlers!

I also feel under pressure because I had significant problems is both previous pregnancies. I had placental insufficiency and IUGR with both girls. This was markedly worse with dd2 even though it had only been 2 years since the last pregnancy and I was only 26! I have been told that it is just as well that I had my children at a younger age as it seems to have gotten progressively worse. My risk of this happening again has gone from one in thousands to 50/50 according to my last OB. I was told that even though in fertility terms I have a good few years yet, it would be inadvisable to leave another pregnancy too long.

Dh and I have a very good, loving relationship with lots of great communication on everything except this. This is becoming a big issue for me. Dh and I have agreed to sit down and have a discussion about this on Friday night. I'd like some advice about how to put my points across and on anything you think may help my case. Would really appreciate hearing your thoughts, even if it to tell me I'm being selfish. Thank you.

Fabarooney, I know how you feel about your broodiness I think you have put your points across very well on this thread! Can't you just sit down with him and discuss it? Maybe he is really more worried about your health, and the health of the baby, than the other rational arguments - imean maybe he has emotional arguments too but being male isn't so willing to share them. He could be worried about how he/you all would cope if placental insufficiency resulted in a child with special needs, he may be terrified that something terrible will happen to you (is this likely with placental insufficiency? don't know much about it). I must say when I read your post I thought "oh you can deal with all those concerns" until I got to the one about your and your dds health, and now I see why he isn't so keen tbh. It is a difficult decision for both of you . But i think talk to him (or show him this post as a starter), question him about his worries on the health aspects, and see what you can agree on. Good luck!

Do you think dh may be worried about your health if you become pregnant more than he lets on. perhaps you could look in to what extra healthcare you could get to ensure your health and wellbeing during another pregnancy to put his mind at rest

If you do manage to "win him round" and convince him that it would be a good time to start trying again, make sure that he is 100% behind it or you could be storing up problems for later. I know a girl who I worked for with who couldn?t agree whether to have a child or not (first one) and biological clock was ticking. To save her marriage she agreed to "leave it up to fate" - he had said that unless she agreed to starting a family he would have to leave her as he couldn?t imagine growing old without children around etc.etc.. Upshot is that she fell pregnant quickly, had a guilt ridden pregnancy and gave birth to a lovely baby. However, thanks to serious PND amplified by her guilt at not really wanting the baby, everything fell apart. She is now divorced and struggling with a 5 year old. The little boy is fine and she tries to overcompensate for what she sees as her total lack of maternal instincts but I can?t help feeling sorry for them.
Not suggesting for a minute that your situation is anything like this, just trying to point out that whatever the final decision you make, just make sure it is an honest one for the sake of your whole family.
Might be worth seeing if you could book an appoint. with GP for tomorrow to get some accurate medical facts and opinions on a potential pregnancy with your medical history. Will be easier then when discussing possible problems. I really hope that it is just a matter of reassuring your DH that you will be ok and that you can cope. Good Luck xxx

Hi fabarooney.

I can only tell you what has happened in our situation. We have two DS's and i wanted another. He was dead against it too. He gave most of the same reasons against having another as your DH has. I too had health problems with my last pregnancy, but nothing like as serious as yours.

We sat down and discussed it the same as you are going to, putting forward the plusss and minusses. he told me at the time (this was last Year) that we would leave it until after Chrisstmas, and if i still felt the same then we would talk about it again.

TBH i thought that he was just trying to put me off. But during those months i kept bringing the subject up. Not going on and on about it, but just talking about friends who have 3 or more and how they cope, and taking him to visit friends who had new-borns!

We did talk about it again after Christmas, and he has agreed!! We are going to leave it until next Year - we are going on holiday, and i want to pass my driving test first!!

I think what i am trying to say is, don't expect him to change his mind in one night, i doubt he will.

I think showing him your post is a really good idea too.
When i wanted my second child, Dp was adamant that he didn't want anymore (he already had another 2 from previous relationship).

In the end i wrote down exactly how i felt about it, and all of my reasons for wanting another, mailny focusing on the sibling for Dd1 bit which i know you can't do, but anyway, it worked and i had Dd2.
We have since had Ds and are now debating number 4 .

Thanks for the advice everyone. Lots to think about.

Nutcracker, can quite categorically state that 3 will not lead to 4 in this house!

My dh read my mumsnet post on this subject(don't know why, he never normally does) and realised how truly sad I would be if we didn't try for another and we are now going for it!

just a quick note about the age of your dh - my own dh will be nearly 39 when our second will arrive.....(though I am younger ) I don't think age really matters!

Yeah i meant to say also, that my Dp is 46.

Hiya

I would agree with Stripeymouse and make sure that he is 100% for a third if that's the road you eventually take.

From my own perspective, I'm happy with 2, pretty much for all the reasons your DH has argued -that probably doesn't help you but what I'm trying to say is that I can see his point.

My friend has only one son from a previous relationship. She had always been desperate for more and when she met her DH, had explained as much to him. He too had children from a previous marriage but had also had a vasectomy. She wanted him to have it reversed but in the end he said that at his age (43 at the time) he was not prepared to go down the new baby route again.

Although sad at the time, she can now see that it was for the best. And strangely enough, she does have lots of babies to look after and care for as his children are pretty grown up and have babies of their own.

Best of luck with it all and hope it all works out one way or t'other for you

Hey fabarooney,

How did the chat go??

Well, we had the chat and it was very productive. We agreed that our perspectives on a third child were very different and we would probably never truly understand the point of view of the other. We decided that instead of talking yet again about our differing opinions, we would try and look for a way forward that would be best for our marriage. We are not going to do anything for another year. If in 12 months I still want another child, he has agreed to us trying for another child.

He read this thread and was really pleased that people could see both sides of the debate. Thank you all for your advice. It was really helpful.

Glad you got something agreed!

Glad it went well

glad you came to an agreement that suits you both - i think waiting for 12months to see how you feel is a very good idea.

best of luck to ya both