OH unhappy at pregnancy

[Kk101]

Hi

I’m hoping someone can help me understand how my partner is feeling. He’s so sad that I’m pregnant. This wasn’t planned and we’d decided we were happy with our family as it was. When I told him I was pregnant he looked shocked, we spoke for approx 2 mins and he went back to what he was doing. Since then he’s not wanted to talk about it. I know he’s been upset and I’m trying to respect the fact that he needs to come to terms with it on his own but I feel he can’t see it from my side. This is physically happening to me. Whilst it wasn’t planned I so want this to work out well but - due to a few factors - existing health condition, my age, previous pregnancies - I am so worried that this won’t be a successful pregnancy. I’ve tried to explain that we’re both trying to get our heads rounds this and that, whilst I know he needs his space, I still need his support... even just to ask me how I’m feeling - tired. I’ve had sharp pains in my side tonight and he didn’t even notice me whincing. I feel that all he can think about is that this wasn’t the plan, that money will be tight and the effect it’ll have on our children. I’m thinking about all that too but I’m also worrying about him and about the pregnancy ending (I’ve had a miscarriage a few years ago and I just keep thinking about how awful that was).

I know he feels alone and I’m trying to give him space but I don’t feel like he’s thinking about me at all.

Sorry that was a moany rant!

Thanks xx

Is there a chance that he is just worried it won't be a successful pregnancy?

I don’t think so. I genuinely think it’s the fact I am pregnant and that wasn’t the plan. I know that he doesn’t want anything bad to happen but he just wishes the pregnancy hadn’t happened.

How long has he known? A few days? Weeks? Sounds like he might just need some time, he's entitled to be worried about practicalities, he might even be worried for you too if you've had health issues. You also assume that he hasn't noticed you're tired or uncomfortable, but him saying something won't change it, it sounds like you're looking for his sympathy rather than his support. Maybe he just needs a proper hug to know you're there for him too?

Thanks. He’s known for overa week which I agree isn’t long. He definitely does need time to deal with it and I accept that. I have told him that I know I’m probably being selfish wanting him to try to see things from my point of view.
He didn’t notice I was tired or uncomfortable or that I’ve been upset - I asked him. In fact yesterday I cried my eyes out in front of him (I know that not fair on him but it just happened - I feel so guilty about the way this will change our family) and it too him 5 mins of literally watching me before he patted me on the shoulder.

All I really want is for him to ask me how I’m feeling once in a while. I guess I just have to hope that comes in time.

Do you think he is angry at you and somehow blames you for this? I am not for one minute suggesting this would be right but sometimes people feel things and even though they know it's wrong to feel it they can't help it. It sounds like he is possibly avoiding the subject and you a bit because he doesn't want the anger, which he probably knows isn't fair, to come out?
Alternatively is it possible that he is thinking that he might not want you to continue with the pregnancy and doesn't know how to raise such an issue with you? Or already knows your thoughts on this?

I have asked him if he thinks this is my fault and he says not although I think he does. We both did it we just weren’t careful. He rarely gets angry but I’d rather he did. I’ve asked him if he’d rather I stopped the pregnancy but he says not(I couldn’t anyway).

To be fair to him he does deal with things on his own. He doesn’t share his emotions well. I’m not asking him to share his views with me or to open up (although of course I’d love that). I just want him to Acknowledge that I’m dealing with stuff too. At the moment I just feel like he doesn’t want to think about it but I have to as I have to book appointments, can’t drink, can’t eat certain things, am spending my time worrying about losing the pregnancy and about my existing health condition. Really I just want him to look at this from something other than how this will affect him and how this want in his life plan! I appreciate that might be selfish.

It's understandable that you want him to see you're point of view but I think a lot of men struggle to understand early pregnancy, they don't comprehend the level of exhaustion or the nausea because it's not obviously visible, having a huge bump is much easier to see and understand. He obviously knows it takes two to make a baby and accepts it in a logical way which is all you can ask. Crying randomly is something my dh has had to get used to, and if you've got a good reason it just triples the effect. It sounds like he's not the best communicator and patting a crying woman is really a 'I don't know what to do' response. Have you told him specifically what you want from him/how you'd like him to react if you need to cry? A week is not long to absorb the information, I spent at least two weeks freaking out on my first pregnancy and that was planned so I really shouldn't have been worried. It sounds like you're both dealing with your stress in very different ways (you looking for support/him isolating himself) both kind of survival stratagies. Do something to distract yourself, have a nice day out with a friend, take up swimming, leave him at home and give yourself some time. You might find if you're more relaxed he won't feel as stressed and might be more responsive?