In-laws

[InDreamland]

When did you tell your in-laws your were pg? How much are you allowing in-laws to be involved?

I want to tell my parents and sister (which will include BIL) on Father's day as my dad will be back from visiting family abroad. I will be 8 weeks on Friday. I would have probably told them sooner but didn't want to risk anything slipping out to family abroad as found out when parents were at a family event and also want to tell them together so they can share the news with eachother, I know my mum and dad would prefer to hear that kind of news together. We didn't really want to tell anyone until after the 12 week scan but if anything goes wrong (I'm petrified of miscarriage) then i will need the support of my parents and sister so need to tell them sooner rather than later but will swear them to secrecy until I'm ready to tell my close friends and other family.

This brings me to my in-laws. I love SIL but couldn't possibly tell her until I'm ready to let FIL in on the news as it risks our little nieces letting the secret out (they're all under 9). I can't really handle being around my FIL, won't go into detail but basically I find him weird, says and does inappropriate things often and so I don't like being around him. Conversation is trying and I really can't stand his long term girlfriend who is even weirder and doesn't know her place (no family status so some things she should have no say in and certain questions she has no right to ask). MIL passed away years ago. I don't want them to know until as late as possible. Think I may be able to push DH to wait until after the 12 week scan but no later.

Also, I have told DH that one of things I will be requesting to go on my birth plan if we ge to that stage is that during labour and the birth the only person apart from medical staff I want allowed anywhere near me is DH. I don't even want anyone in the waiting room. Then after the birth I will have final say as to who I want visiting and even then the only ones i will consider being allowed near me at the hospital arw again medical staff, DH and my parents and sister. I just feel ever so uncomfortable having FIL and his weird girlfriend anywhere near me when I know I will feel vulnerable, tired etc......... I know SIL will stay away until we're home and she's invited (she really is lovely).

To add to this, even once we're home I don't really want FIL and weird girlfriend visiting in the first week (maybe 2 weeks) until i feel like I've had some rest anf got used to having a little one - I'm a FTM. I'm happy for my parents and sister and BIL coming over but I'm very comfortable around them and they have boundaries.

Am I being unreasonable?

In your situation I wouldn’t tell anyone until after the 12 week scan.

This will only work if your husband is on side.

I don’t think YABU, you’re the one going thro and physically recovering from birth and pregnancy.

It’s going to be difficult to enforce if your husband wants his father and step mother there.

I don't think DH wants his dad there and certainly doesn't want his dad's girlfriend there............. he has little time or patience for his dad as they just don't have a close relationship (dates back to childhood) so only really involves him in things he feels he has to because it's "the right thing to do". As for the weird girlfriend, he absolutely wouldn't even give her the time of day if he didn't have to amd certainly wouldn't acknowledge her as a step mother even if they were married.

He has no issue with telling his dad if he thinks he's doing something he doesn't like or want. I think for him though, even without the close relationship he feels obliged to give him the opportunity to be part of key family events.

DH is actually way closer to my family than his own and is very comfortable picking up the phone to my parents for help/advice rather than his own father (very sweet).

I’d wait until the 12 week scan for sure. As for your question though, my in laws weren’t told until I was 18 weeks - my OH doesn’t have too close of a relationship with them and i haven’t seen them since before Christmas (baby wasn’t even conceived then!) but they might start suspecting things if you see them more often

@Thegirlhasnoname I'm similar, not seen them since way before Christmas. I managed to avoid them when they popped round after Christmas as I was conveniently still at work and DH managed to get rid of them before I got home. FIL only lives a 15 mins drive from us but thankfully we don't see him much simply because DH (and SIL) keep him at arms length. I feel most comfortable seeing FIL when my SIL is also around (or at hers) because I have others to talk to and then don't have to interact with them so much.

Could you tell SIL but all her not to tell your nieces until after the scan. You could explain if anything were to happen you wouldn't want them to be upset. That way no risk of FIL finding out. We had a private scan at nine weeks, and told my parents, PIL and my brother and SIL the day we had that done but asked them not to say anything as we didn't want to tell others until after 12 week scan and my work don't know yet, so don't want to risk anything popping up on social media. It felt fair to tell both sides the same day even if it meant a bit of a road trip, but we have good relationships with both sides.

Yes, you're being unreasonable to say you're happy for your family to be there in the first two weeks but not your husband's family. And also for saying your FIL's long term partner has 'no family status'.

@FASH84 that's a good idea. Will consider that one. You're lucky to have good relationships both sides. Family politics here is quite awkward which I think I have eluded to. FIL relationship with DH and SIL is not good, he's lucky he was invited to her wedding and the nieces' Christenings. SIL and DH aren't keen on the girlfriend at all. Not to go into much detail but basically, despite all that, since we got married I really made so much effort to include them in everything possible and was quite generous towards them as was determined they would be part of our lives. However over the years all I got from the girlfriend is very rude patronising condescending remarks ....... she even did it in front of my family once and my mum just looked at me and gave me that knowing look that she clocked and knew I would be angry. Therefore I feel justified in now harbouring strong feelings towards her which DH and SIL share. So that's why I really don't want her and FIL near me now (pg or not pg). I think I can cope with FIL without her. I get on really well with my SIL and am very close to my own family. Wish I did have that same level of relationship both sides like you do as it would be so much nicer but unfortunately we don't.