Frustrated with family

[plainK]

I think I just need to rant, I'm 38+6 and obviously very excited to meet my baby, but I can't help being frustrated with my family.

Not one of them has been interested in visiting me whilst I've been home waiting but they expect to be there at the birth or straight after. Since 37 weeks I've been constantly getting texts for updates.

I know they're excited to meet the baby, but I feel like they could have made an effort to make me feel it's not all about that. My mum has only been to my house twice in the last 12 months but I don't think I'll get rid of her soon!

I’d be honest and let your family know how you feel. It’s a terrible lack of concern to forget the mother and just want to take advantage of the baby’s affections. If they expect to see the baby then it’s really unfair that they’re not visiting you during this delicate time. Tell them how it feels, maybe they don’t realise.

Do you have a partner or a friend to be with you at the birth? If so, I would bar the rest of the family from being there at the birth of it’s not something you want. Also, they can visit when you decide the time is right not when they ‘expect’.

Remember that you’re the most important person in this situation. It’s your baby and your moment and you get to decide how things go, keep your family in their place and put yourself first.

Thankyou for your reply. I have friends that come and see me but I feel like I have to make them wait as my family will be first in the queue. My partner will be at the birth and also my mum who is quite insistent.

I did mention to her that she doesn't come to visit me and her reply was that she could speak to me on the phone but couldn't do that with the baby. When I tried to impose restrictions for some family members, as I know I'll be tired and sore it caused a bad fall out and I got called cruel. I also explained that my partner only has a couple of weeks off work and I want him to have the chance to bond but nobody seems to respect my wishes, saying I'll feel differently when the baby is here.

Do you want your Mum at birth? It does not sound like you do.

Sounds like you're not actually saying NO to these people. I think you're going to gave to be a bit blunter.

No mum you're not going to be with me in labour FULL STOP no other explanation required with this one.

No mum/sister/aunt/brother/uncle today is not suitable for visiting I'll see you on Tuesday or whatever..,,

She's said from the start that she'll be there and I'm not bothered. I want her to want to be involved but recently I've felt like it's not about me. I think I'd be happy if she didn't make me feel a bit used?

I'd you do decide you don't want her there at the birth then tell the midwives and your OH. They'll surely get rid of anyone upsetting you.

I totally understand the wish to have some bonding time just the 3 of you and think your family should respect that rather than call you cruel. They're cruel doing that to you.

Stand you're ground and ask for support in doing so x

Pushy mothers are a problem, mine told me she was coming to my 20 week scan! No asking just telling. I’ve decided that I want that moment between me and my partner and I’m going to explain this to her.

You should do the same but when she gets frustrated put your food down. People saying it’s cruel are being very selfish. Cruel to whom exactly? Certainly not cruel to you and the baby but beneficial!

Don’t worry about offending, just sate in a polite, matter-of-fact way, that everyone will be able to meet the baby at ‘x’ time. You tell them when and give them a time frame so that they know, if they protest don’t reason with them, simply repeat yourself. How does your partner feel about your mother being there?

Even if you do offend people, they will all come crawling back once you’re ready for them to see the baby.

Your wishes and comfort come first. Labour isn’t a walk in the park and neither is caring for a newborn!
I’m lucky (and also unlucky) that all of our family are far away. No one could come to the labour, which was perfect for me. I did relent on one thing, I wasn’t going to tell anyone when I went into labour, but ended up agreeing to text close family-then phone off. I didn’t want a load of messages when I had more important things to do.
In terms of visits, again no real visitors until DD was 4 weeks old. This was down to people having to fly in. If I’m honest there were definitely days I could have used help and support. I didn’t expect that!
Have a chat with your DP and agree what you both want, but be open to it changing after. Point out to difficult family the things that could go wrong that they need to be sensitive about!! What if you have a large tear and can’t sit down for long? Are they going to barge into your bedroom? Are you planning on breastfeeding? Are you ok with an audience?
At the end of the day nobody knows how you will feel and the will need to respect that. It might piss them off but tough. They didn’t just give birth.

I mentioned all of these things, that I wanted me and dp to bond with baby. Sorry I'm not clued up on acronyms yet. That I didn't want an audience when I wanted to establish bf, that I would probably be sore and tired. That they could come when we were settled at home and I wanted a few days to get to know baby and for things to settle down. I was told I was cruel, that I would have to change my mind. The family members who I have tried to restrict I don't think will be as interested this time next year but I can't say that, I just get told they always ask about me but I never see them. I explained the thought of all these visitors is giving me anxiety and ruining what should be a really happy time for me, to the point I felt like I wanted to delay birth. They then told me this wasn't normal and that I was jealous of the baby. It really wouldn't go down too well. My dp agrees with me and all his family will have to travel so it's just my family that are the problem.