9 weeks pregnant with 3rd. Miserable. How do you feel? Vent Zone!

[Cuddles18]

9 weeks pregnant today. Been through everything you can imagine in life, stress and pregnancy. I have had enough. It would he nice for food and drink to not keep wanting to come up as having untreated early Gestational Diabetes (apparently I have to wait 2 weeks for glucose test despite lots of doctor confirm glucose in urine) means I am always thirsty and hungry as my body isn't using all the glucose containing food I am able to eat! I am depressed and miserable.

Sorry that you are feeling rubbish but if you are that symptomatic of GD at 9 weeks it sounds more like you had pre-existing type two diabetes that hadn't been diagnosed rather than gestational diabetes. Hope you are feeling better soon.

@Bluebirdsky Hey, had a good cry and kind of feel better. I have quite a few autoimmune diseases with a few of my failing organs and have suspected Diabetes/ Pancreas being attacked by my immune system for a long long time. Unfortunately, the healthcare I have received and am receiving is diabolical wherever I go adding to helplessness and depression. I have a strong feeling that I will die, under the very hands that I seek to help me. Part of me just wants to give up as the fight to get support and treatment has completely exhausted me and is stressful to say the least.
Anyway, it is my hope that when i am finished with 3 months worth of Steroids from the Hospital that perhaps my Pancreas will be more happier. Although some women dont realise they have Diabetes, I do. Im very in touch with my body and thirst, constantly needing sugar, severe tiredness after eating (and shaking), itchiness and soreness down 'there' even though im on antibiotics etc. I have constant protein in my urine too.

Wheres the off button? Silly me, a doctor will probably do that for me as no matter how much I approach them with my concerns and sometimes put my foot down....it seems my fate is in the hands of the universe.

Im sick to death of life right now. Antenatal depression? No. Unresolved serious health problems that im fed up of pushing and finishing fighting for just so I can have at least 10% quality of life rather than homebound.

Counselling? No way. Be there and tried to push for that. Saving my breath now.

The NHS was once a blessing. Now im ashamed. Im glad my career was cut short because of my many accumulating disabling autoimmune diseases.

Im Sorry about this post, I'm just seriously seriously low and have no life or fight in me anymore. Im 32 and am sick to death of having to fight for everything. Everything.

(Oh and 3rd child but both sons died in an accident 4 years ago).

Sorry cuddles about all you have been through, and are going through.

Can you go back to your GP and request an emergency blood test? It doesn't have to be a glucose tolerance test to begin with, just a fingerprick reading or a lab test. You may already know that untreated diabetes is particularly dangerous for the baby's development in the first trimester.

I wouldn't usually recommend this, but you can buy a blood glucose meter online or in a chemist, and many chemists offer fingerprick testing.

It's all very well to make a late second/third trimester person wait, but it's more urgent in your case.

Meanwhile go low carb. Snack in cheese, cold meats, cherry tomatoes, veg.

Take care, hope you feel better soon.

Goodness me it sounds like you are going through and awful lot and are going to need some extra support. Are you in the UK op?

@GruffaloPants Thank you. Im barely eating because of HG so any carbs or sugar that I manage to get down and stay where it is supposed to, is just getting peed away.

I brought a blood sugar monitor yesterday as i wanted to take charge of my health considering the health professionals haven't a clue and expect me to wait 2 miserable weeks.
Luckily, I'm fully trained on using the monitor. Im medically trained on a lot of things, its just fulling teeth to get treatment.

I have a high pain/tolerance threshold (probably all those years in Nursing) and don't cry or roll about when in agony so as I'm sure you can see, I don't get treated seriously for severe pain either!

Perhaps i should just scream the pain out in the hospital. Maybe then they will take me seriously. (Referring to current acute active ulcerative colitis- inflammatory bowel disease and inflammatory joint issues hence why I'm on steroids et al.)

Everything is going wrong and nothing is going right and its been progressively like this for years. I thought a baby for me and my husband would give me someone to nurture and love which I have craved to do so badly.

Husband is being a complete infantile 41 year old dick as well and i'd love to kick him out just for a break. Guess ill be having a baby and adopting an adult child too. Ffs.

Thank you for your understanding and letting me vent.

I literally have no one to turn to. No one. I feel so alone like a rock in a hard place...in the dessert.

😢

@Bluebirdsky Yes, i'm in the UK. Id love support but then the midwife runs her fingers down 4 deep long scars i inflicted on myself at the time i was dealing with the loss of my children. She looks at me like im a risk, a bad mum to be and a glimmer of 'im going to watch you' which makes me retreat into myself.
Seems i can never move my life forward. I felt quite violated when she did that. I only gave permission for my blood pressure to be taken. I walked out and cried. (Last week)

I forgot to mention... when the midwife ran her fingers along my very historic Scars she said,

'What are these?'

(Cue feeling like a toddler and smaller than small, so I gave a small answer)

'They are historic scars that look brighter with my increased blood flow especially after the blood pressure cuff restricted the blood in that arm'

'How did you get them?'

Me: 'Considering they are historic, none of your business' (holds back tears as want to run out of the room. This was after she demanded my late children's full details)

I dont want to go back.

How is your blood sugar at the moment?

Midwife sounds a bit crap. But luckily she'll most likely be one midwife of many. Then you meet a decent one take the chance to tell them you need extra support.

Never mind the husband, what will be will be.

(Post edited by MNHQ)

so sorry to hear you are going through this x

I am so so sorry about your sons love, heartbreaking.
Re the scars I had exactly similar comments about mine and she kept pushing for an answer. Really sorry to hear that you are struggling. In my last pregnancy I had the GD test at 16 weeks and put on insulin and metformin the next day. I was tested early as I had GD in my first pregnancy.
I suspected I was diabetic from about 8 weeks though so similar gestation to you. Are you in London btw? Take care

for you OP. I'm sorry you are going through this x

@schoolworrier Thank you

@Tallerthanatree We sound so similar. I just hope they don't make me wait as I feel iller than ill and its not all down to pregnancy. Im very in-tune with my body and ive been aware my metabolism and sugar levels have been high since my immune system caused thyroid failure. At least they are having a nice 'munch' on a gland we need to survive!

I live in Wales at the moment (another source of feeling so down). I want to be back in Cheshire...no manners or respect here in Wrexham. Healthcare, dont get me started. Prescriptions might be free but id rather pay for my prescriptions than have sub standard medical care any day!

@purpleviolet1 i'll just keep on chugging along and release a good cry every now and again. It is a shame that i have no optimism anymore. Doctors killed that. I dont expect to be admitted to hospital (spent all of last May in hospital seriously ill with my 'over active destructive immune system'!) nor do I expect special treatment.

I just want to be treated holistically. As a whole picture, not a snap shot and to be listen to and for the clinicians to be proactive.

One day they will be ill and expect what I am expecting from them but it seems like they are bionic or robotic. I was never like that! Id forfeit my breaks for the people i was Nursing!

@GruffaloPants I am just waiting for the Monitor to come through the post. Fingers crossed next week!

I was in hospital all last May and in that month, i had the odd Ensure Nutritional shake i was prescribed. I barely ate or drank yet my Blood Glucose level was 5.8.

They basically didn't assess me holistically and ticked a box.

Looking back, I couldn't pee as i was seriously dehydrated, i lost over a stone (and counting) and was lucky to have an Ensure Shake, only because i forced it down for the baby, yet my sugar levels were 'normal'. Something isnt right.

A new symptom is upper front left quadrant pain under ribs that radiates to the back. Bloody painful and id expect that at 30+ weeks not 9 weeks. I haven't got a UTI plus im still on antibiotics so i thinks Its my poor Pancreas or my kidney protesting.

One thing after another. I want an 'Off' button to switch me off. No pain. No suffering and no worry.

That's good it will be here soon.

Do,you need to speak to someone directly (e.g. Samaritans?). When you say you want to switch off I'm not sure if you mean end things, or simply that you are feeling overwhelmed?

@GruffaloPants

I cant wait for it to arrive so I can take some control and minimise any damage.

When I say switch off, I mean sleep for a month as Ive been through hell and still in the brimstone; when i wake there will be no sickness, no IBD flare, no pain, over the worst of the dreaded First Trimester and wake and refreshed and HG is 24/7 even with tablets. Sometimes, I just wish it would be permanent.

I have spoken with the Samaritans in the past and they have been great however there have been a few times when I am still talking and pouring my heart out and they try to wrap up the call. It feels soul destroying as I am fully emotionally open discussing my inner deep turmoil. So, im not quick to phone them anymore.

Evening pains are increasing now do im going to try and do some relaxing and steady breathing ready for more suffering tomorrow. (I used to take everything as it came and be optimistic but not anymore).

Im sure there are better sunsets ahead of me but since I lost my children at 29, ive developed one serious illness, life changing illness after another. I guess body, mind and spirit are very much linked (I used to be so spiritual until i found myself drowning in emotional and physical pain).

Fingers crossed, baby is ok (i have had two scans and everything is ok so far) and continues to be ok as I take 23 compulsory tablets and day just to keep me out of hospital and dying.

Im sorry I'm so grim and depressing. Its like my life spark and soul has abandoned me.

On a more positive note, husband is being physically proactive, emotionally open and more affectionate with me. It helps a lot.

Much love and light for sticking with me

You don't sound grim and depressing. Things are hard. It's inspiring that you can put one foot in front of another. Glad things are a little better with your husband. I hope you have a peaceful night, and some contented times tomorrow.

Wish I could help. You have been through so much and still are going through it

Ah I was gonna recommend the hospital i was under as I had fantastic care. You sound so lovely. Keep going x

Hi ladies, I am sorry I didnt reply yesterday; morning sickness decided to multiply by a million yesterday and my hand was in a lot of pain because of three bumps.

This morning I noticed the three bumps in my hand and arm had moved! They are quite painful! And instantly knew they were blood clots as a Cannula injury doesn't migrate around the body!

I am now being treated for Blood Clots from a Cannula that was placed in that area over 5 weeks ago!

So lets add DVT to the list!

Fingers crossed so tightly that the blood clots continue to move away from my heart. Just another worry.

On a more positive note, the doctor prescribed me Stemitil (the best anti emetic I have ever had in my 32 years of life) but after giving me a lecture on taking too many tablets - which, by the way are prescribed by Consultants and Doctors! (Not me!) but hey, i nodded and took it on the chin knowing i take all my medication so that I don't literally end up on deaths door like back at the beginning of May!

Thank you all for your words of support and guidance whilst i mentally navigate these rapid, rough waters

Just asked husband to walk out of the house. Complicated and too much crap i have endured from his immature 41 year old compulsive lying, constantly physically hurting me and saying sorry like its ok- man child. I have just about had enough.

I think I'm the problem. Picking dicks and man children. Its too much on my shoulders right now. He can live in his car just like hes made me homeless and forced me to stay in several Women's refuges over the last year.

GOD, i am so stupid. So so so so stupid.

Sounds like you've just made a great decision. Take care of yourself, and focus on you and your baby.