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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Am I an awful person or it this normal?

20 replies

Mynameisnotimportant · 21/05/2007 14:37

I am a semi-regular but namechanged as I feel so awful about this.
Background: I have a DC who is under 18 months and am 20 weeks pg with no. 2.
Both have very much been planned and are very wanted but I just can't seem to muster much enthusiasm for this pregnancy.
I went for my scan earlier and I thought that woudl make it more 'real' and help me to bond more with the baby but it made no difference, I feel kicks and see the baby on screen but my reaction is just, 'oh, a baby'

I was hoping to find out the sex so I could name the baby but of course it was in the wrong position (typical!)
I just feel like it's not real, I don't really think I am convinced there is going to be a baby in another 20 weeks and have nothing ready for it, I haven't bought anything for it either as I have all my current DC's stuff.
With my 1st pregnancy I was over the moon and it was all I could think about, but not so this time.
I feel guilty as well as I know some people will think I am a heartless bitch for feeling like this, I do want this baby, and I know how lucky I am, I just can't seem to find the enthusiasm.

Please tell me I am normal. Sorry for ramble.

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tinymum · 21/05/2007 14:38

Awwwww. Do you think you might be depressed? That can make you feel 'detached'.

Original poster

Mynameisnotimportant · 21/05/2007 14:40

I have been depressed in teh past, it was ages ago and was a reaction to something I witnessed. It doesn't feel quite the same as then as I only feel detached from the pregnancy, I feel totally different about my toddler.

But it could be I suppose. Can you get pre natal depression?!

OP posts:

tinymum · 21/05/2007 14:42

Yup. I had it and I felt like you describe actually.

LadyOfTheFlowers · 21/05/2007 14:43

you sound pretty normal to me dear!
with ds1, the pregnancy was all i could think about.
i was always reading and could talk poor dh's ear off about what was happeneing to the baby each week and what the baby looked like, what it could hear etc etc!
there are 14m between my two and when i realised i was pregnant with ds2 i was just as happy when i did the test as i had been the first time, but then life just carried on as normal.
dh treated me as normal whereas before he had made a bit of a fuss over me. no one else is really as interested in your second pregnancy either, and even though it sounds awful, i think its a case of 'been here, done this before' kind of thing.
it is always different each time obviously, but you pretty much know what to expect iyswim?
plus, during the second pregnancy you have a child to look after aswell. you dont have time to think much about it and take time for yourself. i know i didnt anyway. as i said, as far as dh was concerned i was just pregnant 'again'! lol
dont beat yourself up over the way you feel, if you are a heartless bitch over feeling then this way, then so am i and we can start a clique!

chin up!

Original poster

Mynameisnotimportant · 21/05/2007 14:48

Ladyoftheflowers, did it get better once your ds2 was born?
I had a problem with bonding with my current child after the birth as it was a CS I felt 'forced' into and it took a good day or so before I bonded. I am shitting myself about the birth this time so don't knwo whether that could be it.

tinymum, I really hope I am not depressed again, what happened, did you take AD's?
(feel free to tell me to bugger off if you don't want to tell me)

OP posts:

tinymum · 21/05/2007 14:49

Yes I took Citalopram. Really didn't want to, but then I started getting panic attacks and just couldnt function. The tablets helped no end and I was fine after the baby was born.

Mumpbump · 21/05/2007 14:50

Ds is 15months old and I am 21 weeks pg. This time around, there is no novelty and it has only been since the baby started moving that I've felt that there really is a baby in there (despite scans at 8 and 12 weeks). Think what you're feeling is totally normal and probably more to do with being pg and running around with a toddler. I also cr*p myself fairly regularly about how I will cope with being at home with the two of them...

Original poster

Mynameisnotimportant · 21/05/2007 14:57

I had panic attacks last time, and I am getting the 'I just want to sit on my arse all day' thing I had last time, but then I think, well, I am pregnant and I'm knackered so isn't that normal?!

Am feeling somewhat reassured by your comments though, thanks.

OP posts:

skidaddle · 21/05/2007 14:58

tinymum, I wouldn't worry unless you feel depressed generally. I am 11 wks pg with no.2 and the excitement is nothing like it was first time round. Went for the first scan on Friday and it was such an anticlimax I actually burst into tears afterwards!! And I ma most definitely not depressed.

I think it's like ladyoftheflowers says, you have so much more to think about and do that you can't become all-consumed with it like you can first time round. The upside is that the time will probably fly by and you will be less anxious about every little twinge.
Hope you feel better

3isthemagicnumber · 21/05/2007 15:00

Hi just to add my twopenneth... i felt exactly the same in my 2nd pregnancy. I had so enjoyed the first that i was looking forward to being pregnant again almost more than having another baby-forgive me!! however on reflection it was the 'princess' thing i enjoyed most- eveybody;partner, friends parents made me feel so special that that was what i wanted to recreate i feel.. i am certainly not the princess type in 'normal' life. Also 2nd pregnancy, 1st child has to come first, you cannot even begin to imagine how you could have another because you know what to expect so conversly it seems unreal. All i can say is that once ds2 was born i was overwhelmed with emotion for him- maybe because i had 9mths worth to dish out because i never felt connected who knows but all this ramble is trying to say is
dont worry
you are normal
you will bond
xx

WanderingWanderer · 21/05/2007 15:04

oh my goodness i could have written your post completely. i feel EXACTLY the same - I am 10 weeks pg with no2 and have a DS aged 12 months. I work almost full time, and the time I am not working is devoted to my little boy - it feels like this second pregnancy has not even hit the radar, for me or for anyone else around me! Beyond thinking about reshuffling bedrooms around I have not even begun to plan anything. I just feel tired all the time, and can't quite get my head around the fact I am having a baby by Christmas. With us and eveyone else on this thread feeling the same I think we are TOTALLY normal . Please let's all keep in touch - perhaps we need a second time mums support group to be set up to inspire and enthuse us all!!! Good luck x

foxinsocks · 21/05/2007 15:06

I felt a bit like that - mine were also close together (14-15 months apart) and I think that contributes to the way you are feeling because you're not getting a break from your first child yet.

Could you go out and check out all the lovely newborn clothes?

foxybrown · 21/05/2007 15:08

You have just "been there and done it" don't forget. Second time around doesn't have the same novelty value that's for sure.

You could talk to your MW or HV about AND (Ante-natal depression). But I think the underwhelming feeling is quite normal.

I felt like I was the worst person in the world for having another baby just 14 months after the first. And he was planned.

Try not to be too hard on yourself.

Chirpygirl · 21/05/2007 16:35

Wow, thanks guys.

Am outing myself as I really thought I was the worst mother ever for feeling distinctly underwhelmed (you're right, that's exactly how it feels!).

At least I can relax a bit more knowing that I am not alone and none of you seemd to have problems once the babies were here....so you have really made me feel a whole lot better!
I can't really afford new baby clothes and am going to use mostly hand me downs as that is what DD is in, but I think I may start a little box or something for the new baby with presents just for it/he/she!

BTW having read through your posts it seems like it is a smaller gap (ie under 2 years) between kids that makes people feel like this, probably the overwhelming knackeredness and stress of having an ankle biter running around...interesting!

God bless MN

fettleandminifettle · 21/05/2007 18:35

Hi Chirpy

Just wanted to say that I have exactly the same feelings as you at the moment. Currently 21 weeks, with a 3 year old DD already. Can't imagine loving another child as much as I love DD and almost feel that this little one will interfere with our special relationship - but I think that it is entirely normal. Your life changes beyond all recognition when you have baby number one and it changes yet again, probably even more with baby number two, but this time everyone expects you to take it in your stride!!

I'm sure all will be ok, as soon as I look this little in the eye and realise he's totally dependent on me for everything - in fact even imagining that and feeling him move now, makes me have tears in my eyes!!

take care
xxx

Mumpbump · 22/05/2007 13:26

Fettle - we have ds sleeping in our room again at the moment. It was only meant to be for a week or two whilst I was painting the woodwork in his room, but neither dh nor I want to banish him back to his own room and I think a lot of it is 'cos we're so aware we're counting down our time with just him... It's making me feel sad now, just thinking about it... Sniff!

Fillyjonk · 22/05/2007 15:24

oh god no utterly normal IMO. tb utterly utterly honest i have problems bonding with them before I actually see them. Late pregnancy/ when they are born its COMPLETLY different.

Fillyjonk · 22/05/2007 15:26

and yes, it is hard to imagine loving no #2 as much as no #1 and it DOES change that special relationship. Bascially you have to get used to person #1 you love best in the whole world having malicious intent and not utterly loving person no #2 you love best in the world. And even, my god, HITTING each other. But you do. And I do think the sibling relationship is fabulous, I am so glad I have a small age gap between mine, tbh.

Kathyis6incheshigh · 22/05/2007 15:32

Hey unimportantlynamedMNer.

I was just the same as you in my second pregnancy and, to tell the truth, for several months after the birth.
It took me ages to bond with ds - I jumped at the chance for anyone else to take him for a while, and when anyone said nice things about him I didn't understand it!

Now he is 5 months I simply adore him. As does his big sister.
I spend hours every day now going gooey at his little nose and his little feet and his little ears.... It will come, honestly.

hippmummy · 22/05/2007 15:33

I had this too and felt so guilty. DS1 was a surprise, but I was so excited about everything to do with being pregnant.
DS2 was planned (DS1 was 18 mths), and I expected to feel the same so it was a huge shock that I couldn't muster the same enthusiasm for months into the pregnancy.
Part of the unease is the feeling that you've just got your family into the swing of things, your baby is now a toddler and things are going smoothly and now it's all about to change again.
I reckon as you start to get to 30+ weeks the reality will set in - especially when you start to think about birthplan and packing your bag. Then you will get really excited

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