Advice on settling a 5yr olds anxiety on new baby

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My partner has a 5-year-old boy, who we told about the pregnancy a month ago at 12 weeks. At first, he dismissed it almost, but since has become quite jealous and asks me a lot of anxious questions about whether we will still love him.

Does anyone have experience with this? Obviously, I am not his mum, and although we have a lovely relationship, I get the impression he's worried he's going to lose all his dads attention, which in a sense, he will. At the minute I feel the jealousy is towards me but can only imagine it will change to the baby once it's born.

I've been told to not say to him "you will still get all of daddies attention" as a way of making him feel better, as it won't be true. I'm a little out of sorts because my partner's way of dealing with it is "he will learn when the babies here"... but having anxiety myself I can see it will eat away at him!

Any advice is welcomed!

Has his mother being saying things like that to him?

One of the only reasons I can think that a child that age would be anxious about a new sibling is because an adult would be saying things like that to them.

In your case make a big deal of the fact that he will be an older brother, his sibling will love him and frequently will want to play or be with him at exclusion of you (plural). This all actually true if you see siblings who get on interact.

Oh bless him. I have no first hand experience, but I would suggest involving him as much as possible so he can see you're all part of one family. E.g. take him shopping and let him choose something he thinks the baby would like, while also allowing him to choose something for himself so it's fair.

Are there any other sibling pairs he knows that get on well that you could compare it to? E.g. cousins, friends, or even Peppa and George!
Good luck OP, he will come around in time

He has recently had a sibling from his mother, so I think he thought his escape was alone time with his dad and I but now we're having one too 🙈. I do believe I am a good judge of character and his mother is lovely so I would like to think she hasn't said anything like that... 😕🤞🏻

I tend to agree with @BlueBug45. I have a 6 year old who when we told him started saying similar things. It transpired that it was coming from his Dad. He was putting ideas into his head that he would have never formulated himself.

Best advice I have for supporting him through this is to encourage him to be involved. Tell him he's going to be a great help when the baby is here etc. Ask him if he'd like to choose a comforter for the baby (my son loved doing this and is sleeping with the comforter so that it smells of him when he gives it to the baby). There's a great book called 'What's inside your tummy mummy' which helps explain everything in an age appropriate way and my son still finds it exciting reading it now (baby's due date is soon). He will also get bored of it all, if you're 12 weeks now it's a long time until baby is here so whilst we spent a good few weeks discussing it at the beginning we didn't really talk about it again until about 30 weeks when we started getting things ready.

It may also be a nice idea to get him a present from the baby. Something which will help occupy him when you and his Dad are distracted. We're planning to buy an Amazon Kids Fire so he can play games etc, but I appreciate that depends on budget.

Finally, what is the contact arrangement? If it is alternate weekends with you then there's no reason that dad can't have some special 121 times with his son and spend more time with the baby when his son isn't around. It may help the transition more.

Just read your reply about mum, sounds like these are concerns based on his experience. However, it's a little easier for Dad to step a way a bit more!

We're literally at the end of this, DD is 6 in Sept & i'm due a baby in three days. My DP isn't her bio dad, so we have had a lot of anxiety & stress about the new baby. She kept asking if we would still love her, if we would still have time for her - we do a lot at the weekends with her bike, going the park etc & she thought we couldn't do that.

Honestly i think we winged it. We tried to keep things as normal as possible for her but letting her be involved in baby prep; she chose his first outfit, she helped choose bedding, she came to a private scan so she could see him if she wanted. We haven't pushed her tho, everything has been her choice. And i made a big fuss of the buggy we chose, showing her how good it was & that it meant baby could come with us when she rode her bike.

We have little activity bits ready for her for his arrival, things she can do independently as well as things i can do one handed so that the baby doesn't dominate. She's obsessed with her own babies so have bought her a baby bath to mirror when i wash her brother; if she wants to help then she can.

It's taken a while - we have had some horrific behaviour from her but now she cannot wait to meet him

Oooh just thought of something else off the back of @mustbemad17 post... my son has a couple of the new born nappies and has really enjoyed practising putting them on his teddies. He's now decided that we can take the dirty one off and clean the baby, but he'll put the clean nappy on! I'm sure that'll be short lived, but it all contributes to him feeling involved.

Yeah, we have him every other weekend but only started this way beginning of the year. So... since then every other weekend has been jam-packed with fun and in a way, has been all about him. My partner's parents aren't together so they would want to come over "just to see him" all the time, and I think he's got used to when he's at Dads, he's the centre of attention from all aspects.

We are going to have a 4D scan and bring him, I do want him to come shopping and get him to pick some outfits. Going to get him some "big brother" bits closer to time etc. I like the nappy and teddy idea, that's funny, picturing Pikachu in a nappy haha. But he will love that.

Last weekend I kind of let my partner do all the reassuring but on the Sunday going home, he aimed all his questions at me. So this weekend I'm going to have a little talk with him an make special effort with him, as we looked back and I think he needs it from me too. When my partner picks him up, his first question (if im not there) is where am I? When will I be home?.

I just want to do the right thing but its hard when you don't know what that is. He does suffer from anxiety also, which was picked up recently.

My nearly 5 year old has just become a big brother and going against the grain I would actually suggest not taking him to go shopping for baby clothes etc.

It’s a long time til the baby is here and kids can get fed up of hearing about the baby for the pregnancy. My son could not care less about baby clothes or scans etc. Don’t get me wrong he is very good with his brother but on the most part babies are boring and goodness knows how many times my son was asked if he was looking forward to being a big brother. There are not many boys who really care what their baby sibling wears or care about nappy changes. Maybe it’s just my son

We just kept everything very laidback during my pregnancy and even now with a 3 month old try and keep things as consistent with the 4 year old as we can. I also make sure I give him as much as one on one time. We don’t put pressure on him to do things with the baby or get us things and it seems to be working well.

It definitely needs to come from both of you, DP has made sure that he reassures DD as well. I think you can become the enemy otherwise.

It could be different for girls, my DD has really enjoyed being involved BUT it has been on her terms. She loves telling everyone she is going to be a big sister...we just get the anxiety at home as she feels safe enough to express it. We found out really early & as i had a belly had to tell her so she's had a long 9 months bless her

@esmeeMerlin I feel he would get very bored of it too haha... when we told him about the baby he said: "ive already got one of those at home". I think he's far more interested in almost everything else - which is fine!

My natural reaction is to keep things normal at home when he is there, when baby arrives I guess it is a case of taking each weekend as it comes.

@mustbemad17 yeah definitely - I went with what my DP thought was best last week and he had the conversation without me, but I have been saying all week that I want to have that conversation with him this weekend. I want to remain his best friend and I'm so scared of ruining that with putting a foot wrong, that I may be over analysing everything. I haven't ever made a "special" or "exaggerated" effort with him, we are just naturally close.

I spent the entire 9 months freaking out with DD tbh, overthinking everything. Were we doing too much, not enough, was she feeling pushed out. She would go to school telling everyone how excited she was, then would sound off at my mum about how cross she was with it all. It was hard work!
But now we are almost at the other side it has been worth it, she is constantly asking when he is coming. Just hope it stays that way 🙈

Exactly, he already has a sibling at mums, he does not need or probably want to spend the next 7 months hearing about a baby at dad’s when he already knows about babies at mums.

That’s why I would reassure him, and try to keep it all very laidback during your pregnancy. Go on what he wants. If he wants to talk about, do things about the baby great, if not that’s completely fine.

If the mum is nice, maybe nearer the time ask her if there is anything she has done to help him adjust?

I would also look at some activities he can do when you and your partner are busy with the baby. I always get the Lego out when the baby is demanding attention.