Unexpected pregnancy conflicting with all life goals. Please help!!

[Atrus]

Dear community!

I know this topic has come up billions of times already. But I would really appreciate some help and support since I absolutely don't know what to do.

I'm 5 weeks pregnant today. I am only 21 (my partner is 24), we have been together for a year now, have been 100% sure about each other from the beginning and are planning to get married next year. I absolutely love kids and have 4 younger siblings that I am like a mum to.

However, my partner and me are currently living in the UK, which is neither his nor my home country. Since I am really unhappy and quite depressed because I absolutely don't like life in the UK, we agreed on moving to Germany early next year where I was planning to go to university since I haven't studied yet, as I've so far spent 2 years working abroad in the UK. Originally I am from Austria, where my parents still are.

We only found out about the pregnancy two days ago, he is saying he would support every decision, but would like to wait for a couple of weeks for us to have time to think clearly.

I am absolutely miserable. I am now realising how serious this is. Getting this child would mean that I would have issues getting a degree and also that I would have to stay longer in my current job in the UK that I absolutely despise in order to get maternity pay. This job is the cause of my depression. Also, since my partner is not German and does not speak well enough German yet, it might also be hard for him to find a job in Germany at first. But I absolutely cannot stay in the UK, for nothing and nobody.

I think I have already decided for myself to be honest. I think it is better to terminate. I had no chance to enjoy my childhood and my teenage years, because I had to be strong and supportive for my parents, who needed me to help them with my siblings. When I was 19, I "ran away" from my family by going abroad for some time. But even here I couldn't enjoy my youth enough, because I've been working full time all along. I already feel like I'm missing out on so much, and whenever I see any high school or uni students having fun, I already now wish for this time to come back for me to enjoy it fully.

Before we found out, I was planning to start doing part time work. I was really happy with how things were in terms of our relationship and goals before we found out. I want that back. I think my body and mind are not ready, and even though I love my partner more than anything, and it hurts me in my heart to think about getting rid of this part of him inside of me, and I'm sure he would be such a great dad, I don't think I can get this child now.

I finally want to be able to enjoy my youth and I finally want to feel free, and going to uni without any other major concerns is exactly that for me.

I'm sorry, I just wanted to ramble a bit and put my feelings out there since I don't want to tell my family and friends yet. I feel very down and would appreciate your help greatly. Thank you in advance.

I couldn't read and not respond, if only to say that I hear you and feel you on feeling so conflicted. From what you've written it sounds like you do know what you want to do, even in such a difficult situation - 'I think I have already decided for myself to be honest. I think it is better to terminate.'

It may be helpful to you to speak to Marie Stopes or similar for some counseling around your options, but whatever choice you make, it will be the best one you could make for yourself.

Didn't want to read and run.

Sorry to hear you are struggling so much with the news of your pregnancy. I agree with SiolGhoraidh in that going for some counselling may help in looking at all your options and coming to a final decision - talking with a trained professional is probably the best thing to help. Just make sure you include your OH in the process as you will need each other's support.

I think you should act fast and do what's best for you. Don't wait two weeks; it's not fair on you, and don't leave the decision to him. Go to a family planning clinic asap and talk to someone there about your situation.

Thank you so much to each and every one of you for your answers!

After having a long talk about it with my OH yesterday, that turned out to highlight all the reasons I had in my mind already about why it just isn’t a good time at all now, we pretty much decided what to do. Even my parents that have 5 kids in total and absolutely love kids agreed strongly with our reasoning. It helps endlessly much to have people around you that have your back always and support your every decision.

We also have an appointment with a psychologist tomorrow to find out whether we’re really absolutely sure about it or not. In case we still are after that, we have an appointment booked for this Friday for a medical abortion.

It breaks my heart and we cried so much already, but like I mentioned, we both know what the only realistic option is.

The feelings I’m experiencing are nothing but grief, but I know what the right thing to do is, so I’m hoping I will “get over it” even though I know we will never ever forget it and the scars will always be there. I feel so sorry for this little being inside of me, I cried myself to sleep yesterday, telling it how terribly sorry I am over and over again.

I wish this would have never happened, I wish to absolutely nobody to ever be in a situation like this. I don’t know why it happened to us in this very moment, but I can surely say I am entirely sure about my partner and that I have never experienced unconditional love like this for anyone ever before. Going through this situation together has shown that to me even more.

But I also know what it means to raise a child because of my younger siblings and I know how serious it is, so I don’t want our emotions to take over in our decision. We just cannot offer a stable and safe enough environment for a child yet.

I wish you both all the best. If it helps, I had similar feelings after two early miscarriages. It helped me while grieving to think of them as finding their potential elsewhere, since it wasn't to be with me.