7 months pregnant and alone...

[Saminsachs]

Hello everyone :)

I'll try to keep this as short as possible...

I live abroad with my foreign partner in a big family house, where he has a flat downstairs (he likes his own space) and I live upstairs with our 8 year old daughter and his mum lives downstairs, in the flat next to his.

I fell out with his mum a couple of weeks ago...it was a long time coming. She interferes with every single aspect of mine and my partners lives. I found out that she had been intercepting my mail and she saw that I am entitled to receive a pregnancy grant to help towards baby costs. However, as money is her Number 1 priority in life, she said that I should use that money to either pay off her overdraft (?) or pay for her car tax...

Nothing about her paying me back, but the thing is, she sees herself, her son and I as a 'team' and that all of our finances should be together and every single thing should be shared - there is a (which I hate) open door policy in the house and she is constantly taking my food/shampoo...nothing is sacred.

She's always wanted to do EVERYTHING together - eat every meal, go everywhere - although she has zero interest in her granddaughter and does nothing for her at all.

So we had a falling out as everything became too suffocating for me and I needed my own space, and she went crazy and swore at me and literally threw me out of her flat.

I told my partner about what happened and he couldn't care less. His mother is a goddess to him. She is his number 1 priority, and he is hers. I was so angry and upset and fell out with my partner, as I felt like he didn't support me at all....he will never ever hear a bad word said against his mum, he is so defensive of her.

Now, they are both sticking together...eating together every night, watching series together every night, spending all of their time together when he's not working.

I cook him dinner, then he comes home from work, takes the food downstairs and I don't see him again until the morning (he doesn't sleep up here).

I'm feeling pretty exhausted with the pregnancy and looking after our daughter and he does nothing to help. He doesn't spend any time at all with our daughter and has zero interest in our new baby.

I had a baby scan today, which I told him about a few times, but he hasn't asked how it went, has never asked to see any pictures...

When he has free time, that he could spend with our daughter or me, he'll just watch tv and drink beer, or go out with his friends, or hang out with his mum.

I don't have any family here. And no friends...just some of my daughters school friends mum, who I arrange playdates with...but they're not friends, just people I have a little conversation with every now and again.

So, that's it really...just had to get that out, somewhere

You poor thing.

Look, do you even love him?

Do you have family back home?

Her behaviour is suffocating & you are right not to put up with it, as for your husband he sounds pathetic.

I really feel for you.

Sorry I can't offer any advice. X

Thank you for your reply :)

As to whether or not I love him...I think I'm more scared of just being totally alone. We've been together for ten years and like I said, have a daughter together and a baby on the way - I just want to feel like we're important to him, and have our own space.

I have suggested moving to our own place, to get some distance (his mother is constantly 'there' with her opinions and in and out and wanting every single thing shared), but he won't leave his mum.

I even suggested to his mum, subtly, that maybe we don't want to live in that house forever, and we are still relatively young and maybe want to do something different - go our own way - but she went crazy.

She has always always been like this. And now it seems like she's very happy that she has her son all to herself - I hear them laughing and joking downstairs and like I said, they are each others world.

I have a mum and brothers back home, but I'm not close to them...no reason to go back there. And that would be far too complicated anyway with shared custody.

I've been so upset the last couple of weeks - after our fight I've been crying so much that my eyes look terrible the next day.

I think now though I just have to accept it - he won't change. His mum is his Number 1 priority. And my daughter, and new baby, are mine.

And my daughter gives me so so so much love - I get all the nice things :) And her father and 'grandmother' just aren't a part of her life - or at all important to her - even though they're just downstairs...

I just feel sad about the whole situation, and would LOVE to actually feel like I'm in a relationship. It's so so hot here at the moment and it takes half an hour to walk to school each morning and back, plus baby appointments and shopping and that kind of thing - I'm just exhausted. Well, my definition of exhaustion might change once the baby is here ;)

Her behaviour is unacceptable but lots of women struggles with their partners mother.

What is more concerning to me is that you’ve been together so long, have 1 child with another on the way, yet seem to live separate lives.

Now maybe isn’t the time for big decisions but I think you need to start thinking about what sort of life you want for you and your children.

I'm around the same stage of pregnancy as you.

I can't imagine how difficult physically & emotional it must be for you.

I think the advice from previous poster is good.

You will have 2 children now to think about & considering your circumstances it's not possible to change things now. But think about the future if you can.

I'm a stay at home mother but I have a great relationship, when your youngest is old enough & if you want, I would make sure I have a career to provide for myself & children.

Your husband is just ridiculous. He'll come running back to you if anything happens to his mother.

I just wish you all the best, I'm expecting my second also & i just can't imagine how hard it will be for you, my heart goes out to you.

Her behaviour does sound difficult but I think the bigger problem is your partner tbh. He lives separately? How much time do you spend together as a family without his mother? How much does he do with your dd? He doesn't seem that interested in the current pregnancy and he would rather spend time with his mother than you. This is horrible. No wonder you are feeling alone. Pregnancy is hard enough without having to cope with a shit partner as well. I would seriously look into getting away from than strange family dynamic for your own sanity.

I also live abroad and my partner is foreign, I’m 6 months pregnant. I know some cultures are very much for their mums but that is no excuse you do not deserve to be treated like this I can’t imagine how you must be feeling, I know you said your family is in the U.K. but do you have any British friends where you live I find they can be the best support when you live away from your family. I have girls who are married like me to a foreigner and it helps that we can confide and compare relationships.

I wouldn’t rush into any big decisions while your pregnant but you really need to put yourself and babies first.

Thank you for the advice.

In answer to the questions. ..

He doesn't spend any time with our DD,he's either working,out with his friends,drinking,playing computer games,watching tv or with his mum.

If I suggest doing something together just the three of us/two of us if our DD is asleep or at a friends,he will automatically invite his mum.

He's out now getting drunk with his friends...he could've come home early for a change,but I'm starting to realise that my daughter and I are way,way down on his priority list

No I don't have any British friends. ..I live in a little village and nobody here speaks English, although I speak the language here ok (not perfectly!)

Stay as strong as you can for your children & then don't feel bad when it all gets on top of you.

Try not to entertain your husband at all, let him see you can cope without him or at least give him that impression.

Best of luck.

Thank you everyone.

He didn't come home last night :/

Gotta start finding my own way apart from him I think

This sounds awful - I'm so sorry. I think you need to think about moving back to UK to be near friends and family.

Leave him! Please! For you and your childrens sake. He doesn't give a crap about you (I am sorry to say that so bluntly but this post has made me upset and angry) he needs to get away from his mum, I can't believe a man would be like that with his mother over his own wife, what the hell? He has a responsibility to you and your children. He can't call himself a husband or a father. In my eyes you are already a single parent, he doesn't help and the whole money situation is rediculous. If you came back to the UK you would have your own money, be able to bring your OWN children up as you wish to. I wouldn't give him or his mother the privilege of seeing my children or even being part of their lives... I mean yes, he is their father and she the grandmother but to me they are only labels, they clearly aren't living up to their status. If it were me, I would be gone without a word and have him never find us again. You hardly see him anyway and neither does your daughter. He has no right to treat you like this. Let him have his mummy and stay with her, let him realise what he's lost. He is foolish.

I think you’ve been so very accepting of his, what seems to me to be, a very intense relationship with his Mum and you’ve put up with it for so long!
It sounds a totally strange set up to me and very complex. I think you’re right. You need to start making your own way in life for you and your children’s sake. This situation will just grind you down totally in the end. While you have the strength and positivity I’d start making plans for you and your children to get out of what sounds like a pit of misery if you can.

Thank you for your advice.

I find it really sad that he's not interested in our daughter, new baby, or me, but...it's his loss. It could be so nice. I've tried really hard, given him every opportunity. I make sure that our daughter goes downstairs to say goodnight to him, and says goodbye to him before I take her to school in the mornings. And encourage him to play with her (which he'll do for five minutes, before he either gets bored and wanders off, or he somehow manages to upset her and it all ends in tears).

I think that I just have to take a huge step back now, for my own sake. It's heartbreaking, but we're just never going to be of importance to him. And to be honest, I think I manage quite well without him. He just causes stress and upset. The most important thing in my life is my daughter, and my baby, and I have to take care of myself, because I'm really all they have.

It's just incredibly lonely and exhausting...but I'm rewarded with a wonderful daughter and a new baby on the way.

Gotta start rebuilding my life!

Sounds awful OP. I would move home. I know you said it would be complicated with shared custody but I don't think he would want custody anyway. He never sees your daughter anyway so it won't be a change for her. It would probably be better for both of you to not be constantly let down by him. I'd have rather had no father at all than the one that showed no interest in me, made empty promises and let me down. We're now NC.