First pregnancy and OCD

[Buttercup53]

This is a cross post with the antenatal depression board but I thought it would be ok to post here too? Sorry if not.

This is my first pregnancy, not entirely unplanned but I became pregnant significantly faster than I thought I would. Was sure that it would take at least a few months to get pregnant, but it happened straight away.

I’m about 8 weeks now, known since 5. I guess by other people’s standards so far my symptoms have been okay - really nauseaus but it goes on and off, and I’m absolutely shattered. Had abdominal pain for the first week which lead me to have an early scan and everything is fine.

I’m just finding this really hard. I hate being tired all the time. I have severe health phobia which is linked with my OCD, and I wake up every morning dreading that I’m going to be sick. Each minute drags by - the last 3 weeks feel like they’ve lasted 3 years. All I can think about is the dread of getting sick. I have considered not having kids at all because of the phobia, I thought therapy had gotten me to a place where I could cope with it now, but obviously not. I don’t want to leave the house, and when I do I become so exhausted I have to come home. I don’t know how to cope with work - I work somewhere very demanding, if you’re not at 110% then you just can’t keep up. My employers have been really understanding so far, but I can’t keep taking the mick with time off and flexible hours for the next 30-odd weeks.

I’m not sure what I’m looking for here. I just feel down, and scared of my OCD getting bad again. My thoughts flip between ‘I’m going to be sick’ to ‘I’m terrified of giving birth’ to just feeling nothing at all. Not happy, not excited. Just nothing. My DH has been amazing, doing everything for me, but I can tell my negativity is bringing him down, he’s so excited.

It’s like I want someone to say to me ‘on X date, you will feel fine’, but I know no one can do that. I guess what I’m asking is if anyone else has struggled mentally so early on; maybe if someone else who has OCD has experienced pregnancy and can tell me what they did to stay positive.

I don't have OCD but I do have health anxiety and I spent most of the first 12 weeks worrying about everything and couldn't really get excited until I'd seen baby was OK at the 12 week scan. I was lucky that I had only very mild nausea which was cured by eating - I also passionately hate being sick so I sympathise with you on that.

I can't promise that things will get better after 12 weeks. Most of my worries have been centred around 'is baby ok' and now that I can feel her moving quite a bit (21 weeks) that is helping me to a) worry less and b) be more excited. I also found that behaving "normally" for a pregnant person helped, e.g. buying maternity clothes and a sleep pillow (I needed this from about 10 weeks for lower back pain).

Regarding giving birth, I was also terrified and refused to even think about it until I was about 18 weeks but have started researching it recently and am beginning to feel more positive about the whole thing. For what it's worth, you have the right to have an elective caesarean if the process of natural birth is something you know you can't deal with when the time gets nearer.

I hope you find something that helps you feel better. The hormones really don't help if you are prone to anxiety xxx

Thank you for your really thoughtful response. I assumed I would be worried about the baby, but all I can think about is how I feel. That makes me feel so selfish but I’m trying to remind myself that my thoughts can’t cause something bad to happen.

I’ve heard sickness can start to get better around 12 weeks - 4 weeks feels like a lifetime to go, but I need a date to work towards, even if it’s not for certain. I think with the birth fear, I know so little about it, and have only really read horror stories pre-pregnancy, so in a few weeks I think it would be a good idea for me to do more balanced reading. I think with my MH history I have a very good case for an elective c-section which could be the route I go down.

Thanks again, really appreciate your reply.

We were exactly the same as you - started trying expecting it to take a while, got pregnant first go, and then took some time to get our heads round it. I’ve suffered with pure OCD and irrational thoughts since childhood and pregnancy has not been kind to my MH at all.

I won’t say my thoughts as I know it can be triggering for others reading, and there are a few of us on this board with OCD. Have a search if you feel up to it, some much wiser ladies than me! Mine was so bad in the first 8 weeks or so I considered termination. My baby is so wanted and so loved but that’s how bad I was. I was convinced I’d done things to hurt my baby and I shouldn’t be allowed to have her.

I’m now almost 30 weeks and while I’m so happy and excited my irrational thoughts still make themselves known - but they don’t control my thoughts like they did in the early weeks. I think maybe because now I have more practical stuff to think about!

I spoke to my midwife and didn’t get much joy - honestly I think I’m my area they are so stretched that you have to hit crisis point to get any help, and even then only if you’re lucky. I’ve been helping myself using CBT techniques I learned years ago and by reading the advice of ladies who’ve been through it before. I also honestly think once that hormonal fug calmed down it became easier too.

I think the hormones are definately playing a major part, I’m finding myself much quicker to tears than I ever have before, I’m not normally a crier. Of course I know that other people with OCD will have kids, but it’s so nice to see a reply from someone who is. I’m hoping that even if the midwife can’t provide services, actually starting appointments might help as it’ll give me some feeling of control, and milestones to work towards. Thank you for replying.