Husbands toxic family claiming our baby

[aetw]

I have done so much work to protect myself from my own awful family. I now find myself in a situation where my husband has an equally toxic family. Over the last two years I have had three miscarriages and one ectopic pregnancy. This one point was great inconvenience to my sister-in-law, when I forgot her daughters birthday after being in hospital for the week before. When I express my hurt and disappointment at her behaviour she turned around and made into me manipulating my husband into pulling him away from her family. She is proper nuts, even her mother says that. She ruined our wedding, she stared a smear campaign within the family.
My husband’s mother and father are divorced for many years now, and there is a lot of aninmosity throughout the family about my father-in-law. He is narcissistic to the point that it is laughable. He is cruel and manipulative towards my husband (and his other children) , unfortunately because my husband is a soft and kind person he takes it. My husband borrowed some of money from him a couple years ago for a business venture, he now finds him self in the position that he can’t pay him back immediately but does intends to make small contributions as and when he can afford it . This is being held over him in the way in which my father-in-law feels that he can behave in any way he fancies because of this and demands for money or a regular occurrence on the phone.

When my husband told him that I was pregnant he asked my husband how long I was planning to work for, so that he can make sure that he was going to get his money back.
However this week they have both changed tactics,, both of the family members seem to be playing different tactics, it feels very much like they want a piece of the baby.
I don’t want these toxic people anywhere near my baby, my husband doesn’t really either but he doesn’t know how to say no. We have long conversations about how he can put down boundaries. But it feels like you so easily manipulated into doing what they want him to do.
I’m so keen to protect my unborn child, but what can I do to save my baby from these awful people? I don’t feel I can tell my husband not to see his own family. After all it is his choice? Help!

Sorry loads of typos but I hope you get what I mean.

Ooft - support incoming.

1 - YOU are the mum.

2 - If they are toxic to you then they are toxic to your baby.

3 - Tell partner straight it's the baby who wins each time so sort it or he leaves/you leave.

4 - avoid those toxic assholes.

Ask him if he will be happy when they treat his child the way they treat him?

@positivilyperf I have asked him that before and he says “no way, I can’t have them treat our baby like this!”
Maybe I’m just being inpatient and want it all resolved overnight. I’m just so scared for my babies sake.

Take control of the situation. You and your husband need to set clear boundaries with his family. Honesty is the best policy I'm afraid! Letting people know where you stand with them is the better way forward because it diminishes expectation. If you're all nice to them when they're taking the piss, they will expect things are normal and when the baby's born to do as they please. Set the boundaries from now..

That’s promising, OP. Ask him how he intends to protect his child. How is he going to prevent them saying that one nasty thing that will stay with your child? Once the hypothetical comment is made, it will too late. How does he envision protecting him while the child is I n their company? If he thinks about it enough, then he may decide to keep the child away from them.

How much money do you owe them? Pay them back so they won’t be able to have so much of a hold over you. Once the debt has been paid off you can break free.

Time for your H to step up.

Hmmm. This is a thread for the Relationships section really, I suggest you get it moved there where lots of wise posters should see it and reply.

You are right to want to protect your baby (and yourself) from your husband’s toxic family. I suggest you read “Toxic In-Laws” and get a copy of “Toxic Parents” for your husband. It’s very important that you talk this through with him before the baby arrives. Dealing with a toxic family is hard enough if you’re on the same page as your partner, but if you’re not it can create big problems in the relationship, which is the last thing you need with a newborn.

Maedoula and Positivity I do need to take control I know, I think I just need to start being firmer. I have been leaving him to work it all out. The last few time I haven’t been very willing to engage in both idiots games. They sussed it and when nuclear. They are both complete control freaks.
@heydolly it doesn’t really matter how much we owe them, they would find something else to hold over them. It’s a large sum and would take years to payback. He’s recently disinherited all his children including my husband. He is leaving all his money to his new wife’s grand children. Lovely!