How do you decide to expand family from 2 to 3 children..

[StripyMouse]

We have two lovely girls - one 3 years and the other 1 in Nov. Both DH and I have more than one siblilng and have always thought we would have a large family. Problem is that we know we would need to move house first and buy a larger car if we made the jump from two to three. Our house is small anyway so would want to move in a bit but could be very hard to stay in same area - just when DD1 is so settled in pre school and looking forward to school next year with all her buddies. We are so torn about it and even though we wouldn?t consider it for anotehr year or so, we have found ourselves constantly talking about it.
For those with three, how did you make the leap? Was it harder than the leap from 1 to 2 or easier? I am mide thirties so time is not desperately against us and so will give it a couple of years, but need to get it straight in my head - are my pregnancy days over or will I go on and have another? Maybe it is linked with the feeling of a passing age in my life and feeling older and less "fertile" if "that is that". But then another bit of me says not to mess with what is so good - my girls get on so well and are perfectly healthy and happy. Am I tempting fate by going for a third?
If anyone has any relevant thoughts on this hypothetical brain twaddle i would be grateful

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I'm one of four and always said I wanted four - DH one of two and wanted two. We had ds first then dd1 - perfect, boy and girl, both healthy (said everyone) and I think DH would have been happy to stop at that point. But two never felt "enough" for me IYSWIM, our family didn't feel complete. There's 23 months between ds and dd1 and they get on very well, so if I was going to have a third, I wanted a similar gap again. So we gave ourselves a 6 months "window of opportunity" where if it happened, it happened and if not, well, it wasn't meant to be. Got pregnant and had dd2 and as soon as I saw her, I knew that was it, our family was now complete!

It sounds as if you would be moving anyway, so that wouldn't be a reason not to. Children are much more adaptable than we give them credit for - if your dd1 had to change pre-school or school, it wouldn't be the end of the world (and I bet the arrival of a real life baby in the house would help!)

I found 2 to 3 quite easy - I was used to dividing my time (which was the thing I'd found hardest going from 1 to 2) and I'd forgotten that newborns can sleep quite a lot of the time!

Go with your heart, forget practicalities

We're about to take the plunge with no 3, I think - dh almost convinced it's a good idea. We don't have any good reasons for having a third - house too small, car too small, not enough money, 2 perfectly happy and healthy kids already - but it still feels like the right thing to do. To me at least! So we'll probably just go ahead and do it and sort everything else out as we go along.

I once read someone saying on here that if you're spending so much time thinking about having another it's probably inevitable you'll end up doing it, so you might as well get on with it. That pretty much sums up my approach to it all. Also, I figure that if we don't we'll probably end up regretting it later on.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that it sounds as though you really want to do it, so do! I know the endless discussion between me and dh, the will we? / won't we? is exhausting and inconclusive.

There were a couple of other threads about this very recently which might help you.

here's one

here's the other

I took the leap by stopping contraception and leaving it to fate. It had taken approx 8 months to get pregnant first 2 times. Fell pregnant when DS2 was 7 months old!
Anyway, same with number 4 but waited a bit longer. Knew I wanted more (DH not so sure). Didn't plan any further than that. Got pregnant then changed house and car etc.

We didn't decide at all - our 3rd dd took matters into her own hands (don't know how, as we were very careful about contraception!) I was absolutely poleaxed when I found out I was pregnant and then spent my whole pregnancy worrying about all the things you're worrying about now. We moved house when I was 7.5 months, to a smaller house that needed completely gutting, but our old, lovely house had a teeny, tiny garden that was OK for 2 little girls, but would have been hopeless for 3. We bought a 7-seater (which was cheap because it had done 150K, but we've still got it 3 years later as we can't afford to change it even tho' it's on its last legs!) So, in other words, lots of making do, and we felt, in so many ways, that we were going backwards rather than forwards...

BUT - all the worry and anxiety and depression vanished with the arrival of dd3, who is a total delight in every way. The family felt immediately complete, in a way it hadn't with only 2. We are still living in a house that is too small (lovely garden though...) and managing with a car that bits fall off, while lots of our friends have bigger houses, nicer cars, more holidays and a better standard of living. There's no point in worrying about it - it sounds so trite, but dd3 is worth any material loss a thousand times over. I think if you secretly yearn for another then you should definitely listen to your instincts. FWIW, I'm not remotely broody anymore - can cuddle friends' newborns without the slightest twang - and I'm sure I would suffer badly if hadn't had a 3rd. Do still worry about university fees, driving lessons, weddings (a big problem for those of us with girls!!), but essentially believe they have gained more from having 2 sisters than they could by being bought a car for their 17th birthdays. And anyway, have sort of learned that things always turn out OK.

Sorry to ramble on in a rather self-indulgent way, but this is something I feel a bit evangelical about, having been so completely devastated to discover no. 3 was on its way. She really is one of the best things to happen to our family (along with dds 1&2 of course!!)

There you are, you see. I bored everyone on that second thread too

Beautifully said 3princesses

3princesses - your post so brought tears to my eyes - well said.

I am 33 weeks pregnant with ds3 who is a much wanted baby to complete our family. The morning we had ds2, dh said he couldn't imagine not doing it again so we went for it. We both feel that 3 is the right number for us. And yes - I agree about the tempting fate bit which is something we have worried about constantly but we are great believers in fate and what will be will be.

To put an end to my waffle - in my experience if you feel your family is incomplete then go for it. Yes - money, time, etc will be tight for a time but somehow you will cope. Otherwise - will you always wonder 'what if'.

Best of luck with your decision.

Oh i am the same StripyMouse!!
I often think if you did wait to have enough money etc, then you would NEVER have kids.
I have 2 DS's, and there are six Years between them. I never wanted another for a long time after DS1.
But near enough straight away after DS2 i wnated more. DH was horrified!! It has taken him 2 Years to come around to the idea, and now he has agreed, i am not sure..typical!
But reading your post 3princesses, it really makes me think.
(almost wish i hadn't read it now!)

Stickynote - completely agree! I found the transition from 1-2 a lot harder than 0-1. We are currently planning on no 3 - I am one of three and want my kids to have more than one sibling....

Congratulations and good luck, eyelash. When I held dd3 in the hour or so after she was born I remember thinking 'We're all here now, we can get on with the good times...'
It was a feeling that we'd all been sort of hanging around, but now we could all move forward together. Do I sound bonkers?

I do relate to that as both me and dh are the third of 3 and we are missing US - ie. that which comes third!!!! Still two m/c's and a nasty bout of pre-eclampsia later, I still haven't given up on the idea. Better crack on though, 39 in two weeks time!!!!

I am desperate for a third but my dh is totally against the idea. His reasons for saying no (money, space, time etc) make much more sense than mine (because I really want another one and feel the family isn't complete without it) but I can't make this go away. I know if I don't have another child I will really regret it and probably blame dh in a few years time. We're not under pressure in terms of fertility - I get pregnant quite easily - but I have had quite bad problems with pregnancies so far. I developed placental insufficency and IUGR with both dd1 and dd2 which were significantly worse with my second. I have been told that my chances of this happening a 3rd time go from one in thousands to 50-50 given that I've had it in two successive pregnancies. I've been advised not to leave it too long as age may make it worse. I feel under pressure to get pregnant soon and can't seem to get my dh to understand this. Don't know what to do. So, stripymouse, I'd say if you want to and your dh is with you, go for it.

Hi StripyMouse, I'm in the exact same position as you except that I'm a bit older I started one of the other threads that Sari linked. From the previous threads, it seems that the universal opinion as mentioned below, especially poignantly by 3Ps I might add, that it makes no rational or financial sense to have a 3rd child. You just need to do what feels right for you and go with your gut.

My story is a bit like 3Ps - we only planned 2. I had a ghastly pregnancy with ds (no2) and was warned by my kidley specialist to avoid any more pregnancies. My mirena coil fell out and I got pregnant in March of last year, and dd2 was born in November, induced 3 weeks early because of the ghastly kidney stones I suffered from all through the pregnancy, and which are still clearing from my system.

Dh and I have never felt so out of our depth. We were not expecting it in any way. I had been told mirena was more effective than being sterilised. I was terrified I would lose the use of my left kidney. My urologist recommnded we consider a termination (but this was never an option for us) and I ended up on some very very strong painkillers which I still have to take quite often.

But dd2 is amazing. We would not be without her. She is the best natures baby I have ever come across and so easy to look after. Maybe it was only us, but going from 2 to 3 has been a doddle, even with my illness and PND. Our car has done fine (fact : you can get 3 children in the back of an Astra!). We have doubled up the girls in the bigger bedroom and and given ds the smaller one to himself, so everyone is happy with that. We are a happy 5 person family, can't now imagine it any other way. And we DIDN'T plan it this way. But 3 kids, though tiring (mine are 4.5, 2.5 and 8 months) is great!

Any firm decisions yet, almost40?

Hi 3Ps, You have greatly affected my life decision, as I originally was thinking that I should not try to have a 3rd if I wasn't prepared for the significant possibility that I would have another girl. Thanks in part to you, I have this lovely picture in my head of me and 3 daughters, all growing together and enjoying life. So I'm no longer driven by the desire to have a boy. The only firm decision I've made however is not to have a 3rd now, although I would like to try in a year or so. But between now and then, I'm sure many things could change. I'll certainly turn to Mumsnet again when the time comes . . . Thanks for asking.

Ah, lovey, that's so nice! Nothing beats the sight of a line of pink washing. xxx

thank you so much for all who have posted so far. Been so busy today only just had a chance to catch up. I think 3 princesses has summed it up beautifully. It is a heart rather than a head thing and I guess that I don?t feel our family is totally complete yet. DH was getting our DD2 into the car and said "come on middle daughter!" to her - and then gave me a cheeky look and said just wishful thinking...
I think we will give it a couple of years to get organised and then start trying. Unfortunately extending present home is out of question so will have to move first.