Im a bad mum-to-be & feel so undeserving

[Cuddles18]

Right now, as I write this, I am laying in a hospital bed trying to keep my sanity together and holding back the tears because I feel like such a bad mum-to-be.

I am in hospital because pregnancy has activated an Inflammatory Bowel Flare and for the past 4 weeks I have been dreadfully ill with this flare and pregnancy sickness and I cant take it anymore. Im fed up of constantly stopping myself from being sick, having random and violent reflux as well as crippling IBD pain and constant trips to the bathroom (i'll spare you the TMI details).

I have been prescribed and taken so much medication from steroids, Mesalazine, Metaclopromide, Cyclizine, Driminate, diazepam and now im having IV steroids, Mesalazine and Metaclopromide and according to an early scan I am around 6 weeks 2 days - 7 weeks 2 days. Im confused too!

Ive been smoking too to cope with the sickness and to prevent a flare and i feel like crap for doing that.

I feel like I don't deserve to be a mother but moreover, I am suffering so much right now with my health that the word 'abortion' came into my head! Gosh, I feel lower than low, feeling like I want to bail out on mine and my husbands much tried for, much prayed for baby!

I just dont want to be sick anymore. I want a life rather than being trapped at home in bed near a bathroom.

My anxiety has hit the roof and i am just a complete mess. I want to cry all the time and usually do when I'm on my own. I just ball my eyes out.

I have been pregnant to full term twice before and never I have felt like this whilst being pregnant so I have no idea whether this will get better.

Id happily accept a bullet to the head right now just to escape this hell.

Has anyone felt the same or similarly? 😭

Wow it's such early days though. I think you need to stop beating yourself up, let your body rest and heal. You wouldn't have been prescribed medication that would harm your baby. You won't always feel this way.

Oh op, that sounds so hard. Try not to beat yourself up. Pregnancy can be so un-fun, especially the first bit. I'm currently lying awake for no particular reason other than the fact that at 33 weeks, I am already aching, broken and basically never comfortable. Your situation is clearly on a whole other level and you have my every sympathy. How long have you been on the medication? Is it long enough to have had the chance to work?

Life can be so shit sometimes. I'm suffering a lot more than I tthought I would.with my first pgncy. No advice or anything helpful to say, just that I feel for you, and you sound lovely and none of this is your fault and in sorry its so shit right now

@Cuddles18 hope you're okay love come back and chat/vent if you want

Op remember your growing a human and your aloud to admit its not all rainbows, for some women it's especially tough. Your doing a fab job and your in the right place, I hope this passes for you hun.

@NameChangedForThisQ Hi there, I'm still in hospital receiving treatment for IBD. Im morbidly afraid of being sick yet people around me are being sick with their diseases, bless them. As if feeling I'm in hell can get worse. It is chaotic, noisy, so loud, full of relatives rather than 2 per bed so no privacy. I just want to have my medication via IV then handed to me in tablet form so i can escape home.

Wow. This anxiety is bad. I monitored my Respiratory rate per minute which is the number of times i breathe in per minute and it would shoot up to 25! 16 is normal. My heart rate was 120, however my blood pressure was fine thankfully. When i would sit up in bed my heart rate and breathing would dramatically increase leading to the monitor to go off.

So i have been focusing on my breathing and trying to relax and not get tense or anxious - easier said than done in this manic environment.

On a brighter note, I have given up smoking and have gone through a whole day so far. I feel too ill to smoke plus my baby needs me right now.

My husband just came to visit after decorating our room at home and he has put a smile on my face

How is everyone else doing?

OP, try not to monitor your own respiratory rate- it tends to go up when you pay attention to it. Mindfulness/breathing exercises are helpful though- have a look on SoundCloud or the Insight Timer app for meditation type things. Might help tune out the chaos on the ward.
Sorry you're having a rough time. Try not to be hard on yourself (easier said than done, I know :) )

Well done on the smoking you absolute superstar!! I gave up myself in this pregnancy it was bloody hard. Good on you OP

@Littleblueteacup Thank you! I will look those sites up... i've been using youtube for meditation. I ended up drawing my privacy curtains at about 4pm just for some escape. The Staff Nurse was very supportive of me having some time out as she was initially worried that I was so quiet! Nope...just overwhelmed. Ill try and ignore my Resps/m but with being tachy the alarms are always sounding and very distracting.
Right soundcloud when my phone is fully charged and I can put my headphones on!

@NameChangedForThisQ Oh my it is HARD! It makes you realise just how addictive it is no matter what you read about mind over matter! Either way, the chemical composition of our brain has changed and adapted somewhat to occupy the chemicals and Nicotine. I had only smoked for 3 years but 3 years too long.

Thank you for the encouragement! You go girl too! And a super duper well bloody done for giving up! We are doing soooo well

I am being discharged today! Inflammation stable with medication and finally a referral for long term treatment rather than GP's in my past just prescribing steroids. Yayyy!

Also, no more smoking and smoking cessation is going really well!

My HG has been stabilised with Metaclopromide and Zofran (Ondanestron). So far so good!

I am just grateful for feeling a lot better. Not completely normal but I'm so thankful to just feel better than I was.

I am also very grateful for all the non judgmental Mumsnet users for their unwavering support, love and understanding. Thank you for being there when I had a melt down.

Love and light to you all xxxxxxxx

Congratulations on getting home! And good luck quitting smoking. Hope you get well taken care of at home.

@Modestandatinybitsexy Thank you!

You are fiiiiine! Give yourself a break and try to focus your energy on getting better. Babies arrive in a million different circumstances and right now you are doing all you can and it’s more than enough.

It’s easy to think there’s only one type of pregnancy that’s ‘right’ your baby is snug as a bug and leeching of you. All the misery is on your plate, not the baby’s.

Oh lovely, HG is just evil and along with your other complications you are having such s tough time.

Please don’t beat yourself up about your sad thoughts. I vividly remember praying for our first HG pregnancy to end, things were just so incredibly awful. And like you, this was a desperately longed for baby. But you absolutely will get through this and it will all get better.

I’m glad to hear you are on some good medication. Are you in touch with the Pregnancy Sickness Support line? They are incredibly helpful and can advise you and give you a peer supporter who can text you and be there when you need to offload. They have really helped me. Try to just focus on one hour at a time; listen to nice music or mediatations, or try to get into a box set if you can face a screen. Anything that passes that time. I’m now 13 weeks into our third HG pregnancy and at points this stage felt a lifetime away.

I go to bits when pregnant with sickness and IBS.

So far this pregnancy I've had to take:

Venlafaxine (depression)
Ondansetron (sickness)
Omeprazole (sickness and reflux)
Clexane (blood thinner)
Valium (anxiety)
Co-codamol (migraines)
Piriton (allergies)

37 weeks and baby is FINE. Scans all perfect.

Yay for home!

If you have to go back (I hope you don't), take noise cancelling headphones and a decent supportive V pillow, plus a tablet or laptop with your programmes of choice. That way you can get into your own zone.

By getting treatment shows you are a great Mum to be. Your health is just as important as your baby's. Quitting smoking is fantastic especially given all you're dealing with. Glad your home and doing better. Just remember, pregnancy is only temporary!

You poor thing :-( sounds so awful :-(

I didn't have it as bad as you but was hospitalised with the HG... was horrific. You have my sympathies. I didn't think I would mentally survive the pregnancy in all honestly, for a solid week all I did was vomit, cry and sleep. Literally constantly crying.

I'm 30 weeks now, it eased up about 8 weeks ago and I feel on the home stretch.

You will get there, you'll be a fab mum and you'll be very proud of yourself for coming through this horrendous ordeal!!

All you lovely ladies are absolutely AMAZING!

THANK YOU