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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

16 week tiredness with no help from DP

23 replies

Bentlie · 20/05/2018 20:36

Just hit the 16 week mark and suddenly feel like the tiredness I had in first trimester has returned. I thought the second tri was meant to be easier but I only had 3 weeks of respite. Normal? Who knows.

Really struggling. My DP is lovely. He tries to help around the house. He told me he'd cleaned the bathroom the other day so to make sure the seat had dried before I sat on it... it was a good effort but not by any standards clean (missed the whole floor, toothpaste in the sink etc). I had to re-clean. I love that he makes an effort but he's just so useless at housework that he may as well just not do it at all.

I'm now working 50 hours a week, cleaning every night (I do one room a day as that works for me), cooking (we cook separately a lot as our shifts are funny hours), trying to fit the gym in, all other bits and bobs and somehow finding time for sleep. He's one of these blokes who's happy to leave his ironing for a week and washing up overnight. I'm a 'let's just do it now' type of girl.

My question... how do I help DP become better at helping out? (I know, I'm making him sound like a 5 year old... apologies), and is it normal to feel this shit again at 16 weeks?

Help! I'm falling apart

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Original poster

Bentlie · 20/05/2018 20:37

Sorry, title is a bit misleading. I do get help... the help I do get however just isn't particularly, well, helpful! It's sweet and nice that he tried but he may as well not!

OP posts:

Bluebirdsky · 20/05/2018 20:42

I think there is a compromise needed here to be honest, you can talk to him and explain what constitutes a clean bathroom etc. in your view But you may also need to lower your expectations slightly and accept that everything might not be your standard of clean all of the time.

CherrySure · 20/05/2018 20:45

@Bluebirdsky definitely up for compromise. However I would just like to clarify that when I say the bathroom was not clean, there was hair in the bath, he didn't think he needed to clean the toilet, paste in the sink and the floor apparently cleans itself! He just wiped the mirror and the edges of the bath and sprayed a bit of air freshener. I'm not a clean freak by any standard but can't see how you can be so clueless about cleaning in your 30s!

Original poster

Bentlie · 20/05/2018 20:47

Sorry! Name changed as was about to comment on a thread which would require fairly personal details and didn't want to give myself away. Doughnut forgot to change back! Good job commented on this first

OP posts:

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 20/05/2018 20:49

He's clueless because you've been doing it for him, and you keep doing it.

If he does it badly, tell him to do it again, don't do it for him.

And I hope you aren't doing his ironing.

Original poster

Bentlie · 20/05/2018 20:52

@UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea never do his ironing. He gets through far too much due to his job, gym etc.

You're right, I've been doing it for him. I just know that if I stop the house will look like utter shit. I'm worried about when baby comes and what we will do then. I'm just having a panic and mentally trying to work out if we can afford a cleaver...

OP posts:

MadelineJapan · 20/05/2018 20:53

In addition to the above, could you make cooking easier for yourself? Like make a big pot of chilli or something you just need to reheat, or batch cook and defrost stuff. Even microwave jacket potatoes!

I remember the 16 week slump well obviously have words with DH. But I think be kind to yourself. Stop trying to fit it all in, and do the bare minimum to get through. I promise it does get better. My energy picked up again around 20-34 weeks.

Original poster

Bentlie · 20/05/2018 20:58

@MadelineJapan I have never found it hard running a house before. Never! Now I am just overwhelmed and feel a bit pathetic because it's just me, DP and sometimes DSD. I'm considering a cleaner once a month just to keep everything under control

OP posts:

Havetothink · 20/05/2018 20:58

Just appreciate what he tries to do, if you criticise he may not feel like helping at all. If you want something specific done ask if he could do it as you're not feeling up to it, but be specific and don't list too many jobs at once. Maybe just ask if he could clean the bathroom floor and don't expect perfection if it's a job he's not used to doing, it's all good practice in the long run ☺

MadelineJapan · 20/05/2018 21:11

Bentlie I was exactly the same. It's infuriating when you want your body to be capable of doing things, but it just won't cooperate! I found keeping up with the house and work really frustrating, the point of tears, because I couldn't manage to even keep up with the washing. You really aren't alone.

MadelineJapan · 20/05/2018 21:15

Oh, also OP, have you mentioned to your midwife how tired you are? Have you had your iron levels checked recently?

ShackUp · 20/05/2018 22:38

OP this is meant kindly: this is unsustainable and once your baby is here, you will have to ditch most of the buzzing around, at least for a while. You are setting yourself up for a stressful time with your newborn, especially if you plan to breastfeed (this requires many hours just sitting/lying getting the hang of it).

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and I hope your DH does his fair share

Millypad · 21/05/2018 09:15

We have similar problems in our house, my hubby is desperate to help but doesn’t see things the way I do and is also a teacher and works crazy hours. Consequently the sink is full of last night’s pans and the bathroom... we’ll not mention that. I try really hard to do it but am also at sixteen weeks and my energy fails as soon as I get the dettol out! We’ve drawn up a list (together) with things that need doing daily, weekly, monthly etc and stuck it on the door. As mentioned previously it doesn’t always work (!) but it’s a lot better than it was before the list!

aaarrrggghhhh · 21/05/2018 09:22

haven't read the thread because i find these so disheartening...but why on earth is he "helping" you to keep the home in which you both live clean? Why on earth is it your sole responsibility.

And if he can't clean out toothpaste from a sink? Come on. He's taking the piss.

aaarrrggghhhh · 21/05/2018 09:25

"it's sweet and nice that he tried"

how hard is wiping as a human activity? The skill required to wipe and clean a bathroom is very VERY low.

How is it sweet and nice that he is failing to successfully do an incredibly unskilled job which means that his exhausted pregnant wife has to?

The thing is for him to take equal responsibility for doing unpleasant unskilled task.

Blaablaablaa · 21/05/2018 09:48

You need to stop saying that he is helping you. He isn't helping you he's taking care of the responsibilities that come with being an adult. You need to get this sorted before the baby comes or it will just get worse.

I also don't buy the whole it's sweet that he tried. No, it's ridiculous he can't even clean a bathroom properly.

Mousefunky · 21/05/2018 10:15

My DP isn’t the best at cleaning either. This is something you knew about him before TTC, I’m assuming it’s nothing new and he is trying to help you out- it’s just not to your standards. I feel for him a bit, he isn’t being a lazy lout refusing to help.

Can you reduce your work hours at all? 50 hours is A LOT. Cooking wise, try to batch cook on your day off and freeze.

aaarrrggghhhh · 21/05/2018 10:28

"I feel for him a bit, he isn’t being a lazy lout refusing to help."

Again - how hard is it clean a bathroom? Not at all. It is an incredibly simple task.

Housework is a very simple thing to do. He is choosing not to do it.

heateallthebuns · 21/05/2018 10:55

Maybe write him a checklist for cleaning each room. Then he won't have any excuses. But having said that 50 hours is a lot, as others have said you're going to have to adjust. It's a big change having a baby and if you're trying to do everything you will make yourself very stressed. If you can afford it a cleaner is a great idea to take the pressure off a bit.

aaarrrggghhhh · 21/05/2018 11:03

Maybe write him a checklist for cleaning each room

I do appreciate that this is practical real world advice - but again I have to query why a woman has to give a man a checklist for how to clean a room? I'm a woman and I certainly never went to Room Cleaning lessons and was never given a checklist. Unless he has a disability, this is well within the normal range of capability.

OP - Stop straitjacketing yourself by believing that cleaning is an innate womanly task and tell him to man the f@*k up and wipe a service and push a vacuum back and forth.

BlueBug45 · 21/05/2018 11:16

OP if your OH is clueless as already suggested give him a checklist and tell him if he's not sure how to do anything look on YouTube, as there are many tips of how to do everything on there. (I've told younger male relations and other half this as it means I don't have to show them how to do anything, and they can use an acceptable hygienic method.)

As well as that if he can cook basic stuff - however badly then tell him he's going to have to do the shopping, cooking and cleaning up afterwards. Also tell him he's going to have to clean the kitchen weekly and point out to him not cleaning the stove top, grill pan and oven this regularly is a fire risk.

Aw12345 · 21/05/2018 16:22

Similar with my DH... He tries but bless him it's not what I would call up to standard! Tbh I've felt so flipping awful/knackered throughout whole pregnancy that I don't care so I think you're doing well!!

MadelineJapan · 23/05/2018 10:23

How're you getting on OP?

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