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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Maaiage before baby???

26 replies

peaky297 · 15/05/2018 12:08

I am in a loving and committed relationship and am living with my partner in the house he owned prior to us having met. He pays for the mortgage and I pay my half of the bills. We have always spoken about wanting to get married and have children, but we recently discussed having a baby sooner rather than later and I said that I wanted to and he was ecstatic. My only concern is what happens if we break up in the future? As things stand, I have every intention of spending the rest of my life with him and him with me, but I think most couples start out feeling that way with no idea what the future holds ten years down the line. I guess what I’m getting at is whether it is a huge risk to have a child with him when we aren’t married and he owns the house? Should I insist on getting married first? I love him and don’t believe that he would ever want to hurt me, but equally I don’t want to be naive about the whole thing either. Thoughts and advice please ladies!

OP posts:

sofato5miles · 15/05/2018 12:15

Get married

LostInLeics · 15/05/2018 12:16

Definitely insist on getting married first. No question at all. If he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, and have children with you, why on earth wouldn't he want to marry you? Its a much much quicker, cheaper and more straightforward than any other way of ensuring that you and your children are financially protected if he were to die prematurely or if you were, unfortunately, to split up at any point in the future.

JustSeeingHowManyCharactersWeC · 15/05/2018 12:28

If you ask MN, unless you are married before pregnancy he will leave you at the hospital to run off with the midwife and move her into his house before you can say 'push', leaving you destitute and homeless.

In reality, if you think he's likely to leave you don't marry him or have a baby with him.

I married my husband when our eldest was a few years old, who would have thought it possible an unmarried relationship would last through the birth of a child 🙄

booandbumpp · 15/05/2018 12:36

Hello! I'm unmarried and pregnant with no house to my name so I'm basically destitute.
You can't "insist" on marriage. Marriage should be a decision you come to together, it's not an insurance policy for him leaving you. If you're worried that it's a possibility that he could leave you and wouldn't consider your well-being when he did, Should you really have a child with himV

sofato5miles · 15/05/2018 12:38

It's not just that he can leave you. Life and death happens and a blanket refusal to marry at a later date when you are much more vulnerable.

Just because it didn't work out that was for you justseeing does not mean thst it doesn't happen. Forewarned etc

FWIW I only know of three unmarried couples. Two 8n oz, where there are de facto rights and one in the UK where 15 years in, she feels all types of screwed. And not in a good way.

FranticallyPeaceful · 15/05/2018 12:39

I agree with @JustSeeingHowManyCharactersWeC

Thetimehascometo · 15/05/2018 12:39

I guess it all depends on what you want. If you trust him it shouldn’t matter all that much. Personally we wanted the Marriage, house then baby. We married last May, bought our home in the June (that was fun getting all the house stuff through when finalising the wedding) and baby is due in 8 weeks. But we had made the decision that was how we wanted to do it (the order of house and wedding didn’t really matter it was just how it worked out!)

All relationships are built on trust. So it is entirely up to you! Although I would be quite keen to at least get on to the mortgage of the house when the time is right.

gingerbreadbiscuits · 15/05/2018 12:39

Getting married does not make him less likely to run away but you will have more legal/financial protection.

KirstenRaymonde · 15/05/2018 12:42

Get married. Hopefully you won’t ever break up but if you do you have protection you wouldn’t otherwise have. Or if your DP were to die. I’m also really keen to have a baby soon, but we will get married first.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 15/05/2018 12:44

Aside from all the “he might leave you” stuff (which is all very important BtW!) marriage would make him your next of kin should anything serious happen when you give birth meaning if you are unable to consent to lifesaving treatment, he can do it for you. If you aren’t married, your next of kin would be your mother, father or sibling if you have any? I am assuming as you want to have his child you would like him to be the decision maker in the event of life or death decisions being made on your behalf?

niknac1 · 15/05/2018 12:44

I don’t think anyone really thinks their partner would leave them in a mess with children but they do all the time. I had children without being married but am now married and legally you are better off with regards to inheritance of any assets, splitting of any assets which may be more difficult if not impossible if you split. The choice is yours but you definitely have more protection if you split but that can still be problematic. If he doesn’t want to marry you and share assets would you want a lifelong comittment of having children with him. No right or wrong just whatever you decide.

Rufustheyawningreindeer · 15/05/2018 12:45

Get married

Friend of mine and i were in post natal group together...our children are now 19

She wasnt married but they were engaged

They are about to split up....she has no money because she went part time (increased now) and she is not on the deeds

She saw a solicitor and CAB recently and she is (apparently) entitled to nothing if she leaves

Its a shite state of affairs

reetgood · 15/05/2018 12:47

It’s easier to get married, especially in your situation where you’re not on the deeds but paying mortgage. That said, I have a child and am not married to my partner. We own a house as tenants in common. I’m the product of a 25 year cohabitation (they got married after that for financial reasons as they had more assets by that point).

It is possible to cohabit and have children, but you should be aware you have less legal and financial protection. Whilst I’m fairly ambivalent re marriage, in your situation I can see it would make sense.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 15/05/2018 12:52

Btw you can get married very cheaply without a fuss and then have a big ceremony/party if that’s your thing further down the line if money is the issue preventing marriage.

Flexoset · 15/05/2018 12:53

Get married. More legal and financial protection.

And to turn it around... Why NOT get married first? Kids are a massive commitment. Why have them with somebody you're not happy to marry (or who isn't happy to marry you?)

Racecardriver · 15/05/2018 12:53

Having children in purpose without being married first is a terrible idea especially if you are the lower earning party. All kinds of things can happen in a relationship. Marriage is there to protect your interests, without it you will not be entitled to much from him. Ask yourself, will you be able to support yourself and your children with little to no finacial support. If the answer is no then you would be an idiot not to marry first. Ultimately it is so easy. Just go down to the registry and sign. Why wouldn't you do it?

DrWhy · 15/05/2018 12:55

You can pretty much sort out the same legal protections as marriage with wills, next of kin documents and other legal stuff although if his house is worth a lot you’d be hit more with inheritance tax if you aren’t married I think. However this is a lot of hassle and cost, more so than a registry office marriage (although admittedly less than the big white wedding!).
I had pretty much equal assets to my partner and we both work full time, neither of us would have particularly lost out financially if we’d split having bought a house together and had a child without getting married but personally I wanted to be married and have some time as a married couple before we had children - it seemed like the next step of commitment to me, other people feel differently.

YerAuntFanny · 15/05/2018 12:57

Well... We were together 13 years before getting married, kids were 9 and 18 months on the day. We had/have absolutely no chance of getting on the property ladder so that wasn't a consideration for us.

However, we met at 14 and had seen our parents go through some pretty destructive divorces so marriage wasn't ever really a consideration until we were much older and realised the implication it could have on the children if one of us was to pass away.

It's security for them more than us tbh, neither of us is/was interested in marriage beyond the security but i think we both would've done it first if we started again. I realise this sounds very cold, we do love each other but the actual paper means nothing to either of us and nothing has changed since then!

BigPinkBall · 15/05/2018 13:05

You can pretty much sort out the same legal protections as marriage with wills, next of kin documents and other legal stuff

This is only true if one of you dies, and even then it’s not the same legal protections, it’s simil but more awkward and often humiliating for an adult partner that has to get a child’s permission to organise a funeral etc.

But if he decides to change his will or the tenancy on the property there’s nothing you can do.

If you love each other and want to have children then just get married rather than faffing around drawing up legal documents that can be ripped up on a whim.

If he won’t marry you then that gives you some valuable information about him to base you childbearing decisions on.

FASH84 · 15/05/2018 15:43

It's personal choice but given that it's his house you'd have more legal rights married. We got married first but not because I think he'll run away! We chose to do it while we could have the wedding we wanted and afford it, I just didn't see that happening after DC especially as I'm the higher earner and maternity policy where I work isn't great (we will lose 15k when I take nine months mat leave later this year)

Original poster

peaky297 · 16/05/2018 10:01

By way of an update I had a chat with my DP last night and was completely honest about my feelings and concerns with having a baby before marriage. Much to my relief, he completely understood! He said that I was being sensible, that he knows that there is no malicious intent behind it and that he is still very excited about our future together. Communication really is the best thing sometimes. Thanks for all the advice ladies, it helped give me the confidence to know that I should bring it up! Now it is just a case of waiting for the big question so that I can say the big YES! :)

OP posts:

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 16/05/2018 10:12

Don’t wait for the question! If you want to get married, you ask him!

MeadowHay · 16/05/2018 10:15

Aw congrats Peaky, sounds lovely .

Sunshinegirl82 · 16/05/2018 10:56

Sounds like a good result OP!

As an aside, this attitude of "MN will have you thinking your DP will run off the minute you've given birth and I had kids and wasn't married and it worked out ok for me" is really frustrating. It's that attitude that makes women think they are being unreasonable for bringing these things up and talking about marriage as a practical, legal commitment rather than as a romantic irrelevance.

If you are an unmarried sahp living in someone else's house you are spectacularly vulnerable financially. It's not grabby or desperate or weird to want the protection of marriage in place before having children if that is your reality. We need far more education and discussion about this because the reality is that people still drift into these situations and only realise how vulnerable they are when the shit hits the fan.

Flexoset · 16/05/2018 14:32

Fab update Peaky

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