Help me to care about this again?

[April229]

I am 38 weekend pregnant and from start to end I have had shit antenatal care. I have no brith plan, no one has talked to me about options. My GP practice has been terrible. I have consultant care which consists of a different consultant each time telling me different things.

I want an elective c section, which I thought I would be able decide. Each consultant visit requires me to go through AGAIN why I want one while they patronisingly give me information I already have from the research I have already done and then the appointment is over for us to discuss next time..... with you guessed it a different consultant where I have to start all over again without being listened too.

I feel completely marginalised in my own pregnancy like it’s nothing to do with me. I will be giving birth shortly, feel completely unprepared for a labour that I don’t even want. Not one person has asked me what delivery I want like it’s nothing to do with me. It’s pretty much the first time in any setting that I have been treated so much like I’m a) no one b) totally stupid and uninformed. I am neither.

I cried in the appointment today and agreed to a Vbac because I just don’t have the energy to go through the whole fucking discussion again. Now I just don’t want to do any of this any more - I was so excited when I first got pregnant now I’m just sat in a car park crying.

Classic example today: last consultant appointment we agreed that I would have a scan and if the baby was big we could look at a c section. Great. Had scan, baby massive. Turn up to appointment today. Explain the size of baby to male consultant who started smirking and patronisingly explained the size doesn’t actually matter to the extent to tearing.... its the angle of the baby’s head apparently. Right.

Like I’m a prick for even thinking it was a size thing when that’s what a qualified O&G consultant told me 2.5 weeks ago. So what was the point of the appointment - took 2 .5 hours including wait time of my day, cost me half a day off and £40 in childcare, and what was the point?

I know it’s ungrateful and awful to read for those trying to get pregnant and I’m sorry but I’m so done with all this now.

I’ve never found week 38 an enjoyable experience, and that’s without the shit day you’ve had today.

Could someone come with you to advocate. Myself, if I’m tired (which you’re bound to be) I’ll just agree with anything just to make a meeting end. Maybe if your partner could come with you, they could push the point home that you want a Caesarian?

Hope you feel more positive tomorrow. I’m sure it feels ages away, but you really are in the final stretch. Ring them on Monday and arrange another appointment. And don’t take no for an answer.

Thank you :)

I do feel better today an advocate is a good idea. I have a midwife appointment on Monday to try again.

Remember this is a funny time hormones are raging and we are never emotionally repaired. I re tiled the bathroom in the last 2 weeks and fought for a natural birth god knows why!

You have the right to elcs no matter what the circs. Take an advocate and put your foot down xx

Good luck at the midwife tomorrow @April229 .

I think you’re going to have to speak to a consultant about a section but the midwife will be able to point you in the right direction.

I feel awful for you. See what the NIHCE recommendation is for your situation. Google it. And start really making a fuss. Butt in politely and explain you've been through that several times and say you see somebody different every time and you feel no one is listening to you. Get that MW on your side on Monday. And could you choose a different hospital? I know someone who did that at 38 weeks because she didn't like the attitude of the medics. However, we're in a rural area and she had to take about three buses to the new one. Good luck OP.

As far as I’m aware, they are obliged to consent to a c section if it’s your wish, it it’s the case that the consultant doesn’t agree they are duty bound to refer you to another one who will agree. I might be wrong on that so please others feel free to correct me.

Re: you specifically. I really think you need to try and decide exactly what you want away from the consultants- which it sounded like you had - and then go with that in your mind. It’s easy to be persuaded and follow someone else’s idea when you feel nervous, vulnerable and stressed which it sounds like you are feeling each time you go. We had an incident with my first where I almost agreed to be induced there and then because I “might have diabetes” no test - they just thought it - I was scared and said ok. But I was so grateful that my husband was with me and stepped in and said no, he explained to them (and me) that based on all the conversations we’d had so far he knew that it wasn’t what I wanted and that I was just defecting to someone else’s decission because I was scared. He insisted they check if I actually had diabetes and it turns out I didn’t! There I was agreeing to be induced at 37 weeks! I’m just telling that story as an example of how it’s easy to get pushed around and have your mind changed when you are vulnerable. So, back to you I agree with getting an advocate to go with you, have a long talk with them and explain it all and your decission. Let them be the one that without emotion and stress can just relay the facts and stand strong on your behalf. It’s hard to stick up for yourself sometimes. I wish you the best of luck. Let us know what you decide. Xxxx

Btw, shame on your consultant at he last appointment for allowing you to make a decission like that when you were clearly upset and distressed. Surely as a professional they should have thought “ok this lady is not thinking straight” but no, apparently saw an opportunity to get their way. When you feel up to it (in many months time) I’d be inclined to complain about them!! It’s so horrid feeling like you haven’t been listened to but please, focus on what a bad reflection it is on those professionals and don’t beat yourself up about it. Xx

Thank you all so much for your replies and support, you’ve all really helped.

There’s been a U turn - I spoke to my Mw she sent me back to the hospital saw someone different and I’m booked in for a c section next Tuesday. I’m so relived.

I think I will complain though (once all of this is done) I really don’t think it’s right that I have had to work so flipping hard to get to think point - again and again explains what I want to someone not listening. Why does it need to be so hard!

So glad you hear you got what you wanted and are feeling happier. Good luck with it all next week! Eek how exciting! X

Thank you eek :)

I’m really excited now it’s been horrible not really knowing the labour plan so I can prepare mentally for what I have to do. Now I can put that to rest I can focus on getting some little baby clothes ready :)

Nice work!
Glad you're feeling better.

April... please come back a tell us all about it if you ever get 5 post birth! Lol. I’ve got my sights on an ELCS so would be interested to hear your experience. Good luck. Xx

Thanks eeek I will do. If you are thinking of doing the same I found these two articles invaluable to quote is discussions with consultants and reading the NICE guidance which makes provision for a woman to choose the delivery she wants.

www.newscientist.com/article/mg23130813-000-uk-doctors-may-starting-warning-women-of-childbirth-risks/

theconversation.com/vaginal-birth-comes-with-risks-too-so-should-it-really-be-the-default-option-62855

Thanks April, I’ll take a look at those. X

Hello!

So just as an update I had the elective c section yesterday- recovering really well today with a gorgeous new DD. All went to plan and I’m totally happy with the choice I made, would do it this way again in a heart beat.

Congratulations on the safe arrival of DD

I'm pleased to hear you had the delivery you wanted despite all the difficulties on the way.

You were a massive help dugee - I have shared the article you shared with me with many others x

I'm glad you've found those links useful - knowledge really is power with childbirth.

Have you named your DD yet? I hope you have a swift recovery and a lovely time now she's here

Congratulations!!
Told you it would all feel less shit eventually!! Xx

Amazingly swift recovery, quicker than my first :)

It’s turned out brilliantly.