How should I tell a business colleague who lost a baby about my pregnancy?

[wejammin]

I have a board meeting tomorrow for a charity board that I sit on as a trustee. We meet around every 3 months. I'm 16 weeks pg so at my last meeting I hadn't told anyone, but it is now very obvious (dc3!) so no hiding it.

One of the other trustees lost her baby at around 20 weeks into her first pregnancy, in November last year. We get on well at meetings and we like to natter, but I wouldn't say we were close or friends, we've never met up outside of our charity work, so I don't know her very well.

I would hate my news to upset her any more than I can help it. Can anyone who has been in this situation advise whether it would be better to drop her an email before the meeting tomorrow so she has more time to process it? Or drop the other board members an email so we don't need to discuss it at the meeting (this feels a bit wrong though) or neither? Any advice greatly appreciated.

Personally I would do neither. If it's obvious you're pregnant you won't need to announce it and if anyone asks you can have a one on one conversation about it. Doesn't need to be a big deal and sending an email to everyone minus the colleague is just asking for trouble. You're assuming she is going to handle it badly and she may well do but I think she would feel worse if you drew lots of attention to it.

That is a difficult situation, but lovely that you are being so thoughtful.
I would go for your first option, send her a direct email before the meeting.
Then she has a heads up, but also it acknowledges her loss, and she will appreciate that it's not been forgotten.

Or also what elmo1980 said. That's a valid point that you might not have to say anything if you are showing.
But if you do need to announce the pregnancy, for other work-related reasons, it would think about telling her first.

I’d either say nothing at all or mention it in relation to the fact you’ll be taking time away starting from x month - and you want to keep people in the loop (not sure if you’d need to be replaced during mat leave?). Keep it short, simple and factual but definitely don’t email everyone, that’s a killer for someone in that position (I’ve been there!).

To be honest I imagine it will be noticed and mentioned in which case I’d just tell the group something like ‘i have some news. We are expecting a baby and i’ll Be going on mat leave at some point in x so we’ll need to find a replacement for the meetings etc’.

Hope this assists

Good point from others, you could msg her directly beforehand (probably a bit late now), to acknowledge her loss and advise that you’ll be making your announcement.

Either would be ok I think. If you don’t really know her and if it were me, either would be ok and tbh, being told ahead of time would make me dread the meeting

Thanks everyone.

I won't be taking any time off from the meetings - I've always taken baby with me to meetings for the first 6 months then expressed milk and left baby with DH. I used to be the chair so couldn't not go.

The thing I think is worrying me is the board is all women, and previously have loved the baby/pregnancy chat (I've had 2 babies whilst on the board) I can't see me getting away with a quiet one to one or anyone not bringing it up.

I'm assuming everyone else on the board knows about your colleagues situation as well though? In which case hopefully they will be sympathetic and not go too mad on the baby talk and be as considerate as you are?

I wouldnt message beforehand i dont think. Thats making it a thing when it might not be really.

If it was me i would wait until face to face and let her see and then have a brief discussion about it then leave it there.

Sadly i wouldnt rely on anyone else to be as kind and considerate as yourself. When i returned to work after my son was stillborn i was sent to a meeting where the secretary was on her last day before maternity leave and the meeting seemed to revolve around that.

As someone who lost a baby at 20 weeks I'd have appreciated a heads up,and an email,prior to seeing you definitely x

Another who would appreciate a heads up here.

Infertile so a different situation, but advanced warning is always appreciated here

I would give advanced warning to the lady in question. For her to show up and be confronted with your bump could be really hard, and she might need some time to gather herself, which she won't get if she's in a meeting. If you send her an email beforehand then she can prepare herself to put on a front at the meeting, if she needs to.

I emailed her and it turns out she can't attend tonight last minute, but she said thank you for letting her know and it was thoughtful and she appreciated it, so hopefully it was the right thing to do. Thanks for all your input.

I've had 2 miscarriages and I'd of preferred the heads up especially around the time I was due. (If she was 20 weeks last November she would of been due April)

I'd do what you did for the first two. Having also suffered a devastating miscarriage the worst part was other people presuming to know how I felt and avoiding the topic altogether.