How to tell a close friend who is struggling with conceiving that I'm pregnant?

[LottieBeatrice]

I'm 14 weeks pregnant and over the moon. I have a close friend who is desperate to have kids but due to factors beyond her and her partner's control I don't believe they will ever have children. It's heartbreaking for her and she talks a lot to me about it. I won't go too much in to that however as although this is anonymous, it's still a personal matter to them.

My question is... how to I tell her that I'm pregnant? I have to tell her but want to do it in the most sensitive way possible. Can anyone advise the best way in which I should tell? I love her dearly and have a feeling if I go about this the wrong way it could really hurt her...

Mumsnet approves method is a text.

hide really? Is that because she can process it without an audience? I did think telling her face to face might be a little much. I remember how I felt after having miscarriages when my friends got pregnant. So happy for them but also very envious which did hurt a little.

Congratulations!

Whatever you do, do not invite her out for lunch and then tell her midway through your meal so she has to sit there silently dying inside whilst you gush on about how excited you are to finally be a real woman... like my so called best friend/ soul sucking vampire did to me.

Text her so she can react in private and then congratulate you when she’s ready.

This happened to me. My SIL was in hospital having a miscarriage and we hadn't told anyone I was 12 weeks pregnant. I wrote her and her husband an email; it was the right thing to do and the best advice I can give is to write to both of them from you and your partner. It seems to help to involve the dh too. It was actually her husband who replied and we never had any upset.

Sorry I should have said-most importantly do not do it face to face.

@Orangesox thank you.

Oh man I'm so sorry. That sounds awful. I think some people are oblivious to what it feels like. Whilst I've been through it I found it hurt just as much regardless of how they told me so wanted to hear experiences de others.

@Sagegreen thank you. I think I might send a simply WhatsApp message!

There have been loads of threads like this and the overwhelming response from people who are struggling to conceive is to do it by text.

No scan picture attached. You’d think that would be obvious but from the behaviour of some of my friends, it isn’t.

Congratulations.

I’d say email or face to face. As someone in your friends position, facing ICSI and IVF, over text/email is how I would like it done. I recently got told at my birthday meal out, along with the ins and outs of how they hadn’t even tried etc - it really tarnished the day and I had to slap a smile on when I wanted to curl up and cry. Text would give her time to process it alone and talk when she is ready.

personally I would email rather than text as it looks a bit more like a letter.
I would also acknowledge in it that you understand how hard it is and that is why you are letting them know by email, so they can have time to process it before you meet.

I think the idea of sending it from both of you to both of them is good, as it allows the dh to reply

@PurpleDaisies I tried searching for them but could only find ones on how to tell people and surprise them as opposed to telling friends who are struggling. Maybe I searched the wrong terms! I'll not attach a scan photo - noted (don't think I would've anyway however!)

Thanks @Justwaitingforaline - I think the general consensus is via some kind of messaging service!

@steppemum thank you. I think I'm going to avoid mentioning how hard it must be for them. It's a nice idea but it makes it feel a bit like a pity email? Don't want them to think I feel sorry for them...

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3233683-How-to-tell-childless-friend-Im-pregnant

This is probably the most recent one.

I wouldn’t say anything about how hard she’ll find it etc. It makes it worse that your friends can’t even tell you happy news without it upsetting you. Just send something really simple. I don’t think including the dh is a good idea either unless you’re very definitely two couples who are friends. If one of my friends sent a message to me and dh it would seem really odd.

Personally I prefer a call. If she’s a good friend then a call will feel more personal & you can make it short. The worst thing about being infertile is being cast aside, or feeling like that, when friends have kids.

@DuchyDuke this is why I want to tell her first. She's one of my best friends and I've been in the position before where I've heard through the grapevine because my friend never had it in her to tell me. It was really hurtful.

Thanks @PurpleDaisies - I'm not going to include this. She's not close to my DP and nor am I to hers so it would maybe seem a little impersonal. Think I'm just going to give her a quick text on Monday after the bank holiday and see where we go from there!

I was in a similar situation to you. I opted to text.

Obviously it may not be the case with your friend but prepare for your friendship to change. My friend didn’t speak to me throughout my whole pregnancy- which was fine and I didn’t talk about it either. She’s now pregnant though so that changed. It can make things quite awkward and bring out the worst in people.

Good luck and I’m sure it will be fine.

As someone who struggled with infertility and is now pregnant I want to say thank you for being such a good friend. I wish there were more of you in the world.

Sending a text message is the best option. Explain why you're sending a text so that they can feel how the want to feel privately. Explain how much she means to you and end with an open invitation to see one another. Let them make the call. Of course your friend may be upset for their own situation and seeing your bump may be very difficult for them but ultimately if you are good sensitive friends I'm sure they will want to be apart of your life during this amazing time.

Congratulations. I'll be taking some of my own advice in a few weeks too when we start telling people. Xx

Definitely the text or whatsapp option. Also don't be surprised if she keeps her distance while you're pregnant as I always found that hard to watch. It was much better once the baby arrived though.