Want to be a mother but its complicated....!

[stepmumandmumtobe]

Hello there,

This is my first time here and I have a lot going on in my life at the moment. Don't know where to begin with but here it goes, anyway!

Background.

Married my DH a year ago. DH has two kids prior to our marriage with his Ex. They were never married but were together for 12 years. They hate the sight of each other but now are coming to agreements as its impacting their kids lives.
Now, DH, DSC and I we are 1 great happy family with our ups and downs like any other family. DH and I have been through a lot already in 1 year. DH loosing a job, now on only 2 months contract and I am working full-time. DSC come over every weekend. We have them every weekend.
I am very loving, caring mother and I love kids. Having and building relationship with my DSC wasn't too hard for me. I love them and they love me. I am glad it was all so natural that I was so proud of myself and could see the happiness all over my DH (at that time boyfriend) face.
So, what's the catch? Ok! When I met, my DH he already had vasectomy done (like 5 years ago) and was firm of course of not wanting to have any kids anymore. But after we started dating and we got to know each other and DH saw how much of a doting mother I am, DH felt that it was unfair to me. By that time, I also started to bring the discussion about 'our' baby. DH is a great dad. DH promised that we will have 'only' 1 kid and a dog, that's it. DH will get his surgery reversed and I happily agreed (as at least DH changed his mind and want to have a baby with me). But till this day, whenever I bring the discussion up, I see DH getting agitated and brush me off, saying we are financially tight right now, next year! Yes, we are financially tight but its important. The more we delay, the less chances we have.

I love him and the kids to pieces. I think I have been doing a lot. Its a every day struggle. There are lot of other aspects of my life that I share with my DH that might play in this.
I am happy to answer any questions.
All advise and comments are highly appreciated.

Are you sure he wants more children? It doesn’t sound like it.

It sounds like he just doesn’t want more kids, and depending how strongly you feel about it - it could be a deal breaker for the relationship

I don't think so, I don't know. We have talked a lot about this before we got married. DH has his own set of worries about it though.

1. My DSS is autistic and a handful. DH fears that what if the baby we have will be born with autism.
2. DH and I have 13 years of age gap. So he turned 43 this year and due to our finances we are not planning to have baby anytime in 2 years.
3. Instability- as DH is on contract and have been demotivated lately to find any good work.

So I don't know. I think DH want to provide better to all our kids including our future baby.

Is it possible his current situation with the ex puts him off? Also realistically how long would it take to conceive following reversal. Does he want to be an older Dad?

I think the financial thing might be swaying him just now. My DH lost his highly paid job when DS was just about to turn two. We had planned to TTC just after DS turned 2, but this was shelved due to our situation. It was only when DS was 3.5 and DH got a decent job again that DH felt ready to TTC again and I’m now pg with DC3.

I floated the idea of TTC while DH was unemployed, then again when he was employed in quite a low pay job, but DH said no and actually said he wasn’t sure if we’d ever have another child. This was very difficult for me. But looking back I’m glad we waited to be in a reasonable financial situation. A pregnancy during that time would have put a great deal of pressure on us in an already difficult and stressful situation. I don’t know about your situation, but we thought we may have to sell our house and downsize, which was heartbreaking. Before losing his job and as soon as we were stable again DH was keen for a third child.

I might be reading your situation totally incorrectly due to my own experience, but I know how strongly not being able to provide effected DH, and how my biological clock and broodiness wouldn’t quit despite the difficulties another child would have created at that time. Good luck.

I really think it's the financial situation putting him off, which is understandable. If he currently only has a 2 month contract, it's unlikely he feels secure enough to commit to a baby right now.

I think you just need to talk to him and ask. That's the only way you'll know.

Yes, our finances have to do a lot with it. DH kids are 10 (girl) and 12 (boy with autism) are soon going to be Teenagers. DH does feel less confident about being an old dad but is excited for both of us as he knows how important it is for me. I can't imagine my life without being a mother, I am stepmother but I don't think I am at wrong here wanting to have a child of my own.
I want DH to understand that the reversal is very time-sensitive. The longer we wait the lesser the chances will be to have a baby naturally. The surgery is costing us almost 7 grand and if we don't do it within 8 months of time then the chances drop to 53% whereas we are at 91%. This is why I really want him to get the reversal done by the end of this year. But DH just brushes me off. Even I want to save money for the surgery but DH brings other sensitive and more important issues to attention and makes me feel guilty that I am want to spend money on something which is not relevant at the moment.
I feel torn between my DH, my DSC and myself. I have really compromised a lot. I just want one happy family with my DH DSC and my baby.

My husband has two kids who lived with us full time since they were 5 & 9 (eldest now at uni)
Eldest has adhd and ASD but I only realised (and got him diagnosed ) when he was 18.
Their mum had them every third weekend. It was sometimes fraught as she could be unreliable.
DH was keen for us to have children too. Indeed we had 5 then he had the snip.
A year later he regretted it- he had the reversal last October and I was pregnant by January, - and I'm 44!
Obviously for us, the vasectomy was very recent, but the percentages won't suddenly change like you describe! My husband went to mr swinn near Gatwick. He has successes with 20+ years vasectomies.
Good luck but try not to stress too much. You are still young.
Oh and my eldest son has ASd. So yes there may be increased risks genetically. But I have two further sons who seem fine.

Thank you all for your advise and opinions. DH and I have been talking about it a lot lately. And his real concern is his instability with the job. DH wants do everything to keep us all happy. I did tell him that its not only his job to do that. I am always there to do my bit and make sure all of us (including my DSC) live happily.
@kitty1013 thank you for bringing more hope and confidence in me towards DH's vasectomy reversal. I have been just stressing way too over on it.
Would like to know more about it though!

Thank you everyone again!