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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Bad relationship and pregnant

21 replies

targaryen1 · 03/05/2018 13:34

Hi everybody,

Im going through a really tough time right now and would appreciate some advice and guidance. I've been in an abusive relationship for a while now, I'm 20. I'm living away from home and my home city. Im also 7 weeks pregnant. I was going to leave my abusive boyfriend but then found out I was pregnant. I miss my friends and my life so much, but my partner really wants this child and me.
I feel trapped, even though if I wanted to I have the opportunity to get up and go. I just don't know how my life would be if I continued this pregnancy. I feel like I cannot trust my boyfriend either and what would my life be like if I had this baby and we inevitably split up? What is life like for a young single mum?

Can anybody help me as I feel so lonely and I don't know what to do.

OP posts:

YorkshireBee · 03/05/2018 15:00

Hi @targaryen1. So sorry to hear this - it must be really stressful for you. I can understand you wanting to try to stay together for your baby, and for wanting your partner to see his child.
However, I think you should focus on what will be best for your child. The fact you were preparing to leave tells me you recognise your partner is not a good person to have in your life. Having a child doesn't change that - in fact, it makes it even more important you protect yourself and your baby now, and protect your child from him in future. You have admitted he's abusive - for your child's sake, you need to get away from that situation.
I have friends who have left abusive relationships. Although it does mean being a single parent, it is infinitely better than the life you would lead in an abusive relationship. There is lots of support out there for single parents, especially young mums escaping abusive relationships, so seek it out. If you stay where you are, you won't have the support you need and you'll continue to be isolated and kept away from your family and friends.
Very best wishes, I know it's not easy. But I'm sure you'll do the right thing and will be relieved when you've done it.

BlueBug45 · 03/05/2018 15:09

At your booking appointment in a few weeks they will ask you whether you are being abused - you need to tell the truth. They will make your boyfriend leave the room to answer that questions if he comes with you. If possible make it very clear to him that he shouldn't accompany you to the appointment by explaining to him that all midwife appointments are routine for pregnant women and he only needs to accompany you to scans.

In the mean time if you feel you would be happier in your home city then start making enquiries behind his back so you can move back home asap.

Good luck and remember there are people out there who will help you.

rosieposies · 03/05/2018 15:15

Hi @op,

I just wanted to say I was in a similar position at 19, however my boyfriend at the time was not abusive, our relationship was just terribly unhealthy and quite toxic. After a lot of consideration and heart ache I decided to not move forward with the pregnancy, and it was honestly the best decision I think I have ever made.

I am not saying that this is the right decision for you but I just wanted to let you know there are options, and you are still so young with your whole future ahead of you.

Whatever decision you make (and this decision is yours alone to make - your boyfriend has absolutely no say in this, it is your body) it is so important that you get away from this person.

Would your family support you with the baby if you were to go back home?xx

aetw · 03/05/2018 18:09

Please leave this situation now. Tell a dear friend or family member. There are local helplines you can call. I had an abusive father as a child and I can’t tell you what damage this caused. If he abused you he will hurt the child. Do you have family you can talk to? Has he cut you off from them? Please reach out to someone. You can get help from many places now and there are refuges you can go to. Don’t think it will get better, that it’s not that bad, because believe me it won’t change. These men groom and prey on women and they know exactly what to do. You cannot stay for the baby!

aetw · 03/05/2018 18:10

Please call this number when you are safe and on your own. www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk

GottaBeStrong · 03/05/2018 18:19

There is an earlyish appointment where your midwife comes to where you live so when I had that one and my partner was not there, I got asked the question about my home life and if there was any issue abuse-wise. Certainly, I would have been able to tell her if that was an issue and I wanted to discuss it.

whymewhyme · 03/05/2018 18:31

When you get chance, pack your bags and go home to your family and friends. If he's abusive now, it will only get worse with the strain of a new born can sometimes bring. Hope u find away out.

aetw · 03/05/2018 20:23

Honestly I agree with @whymewhyme I hope you are getting these messages and that you act now. Please don’t wait. Xxx

ruthieruthuk · 03/05/2018 21:13

Hi, do you know why BF is abusive? Has something happened in his past to cause this? Have u talked to him about his behaviour? A baby in the element could cause him stress, and abuse could get a lot worse and potentially get worse or turn to violence.. If he is prepared to change then could you help him through it, it sounds like he could do with some support to correct this, counselling maybe? Maybe u could see how things go if he is prepared to see doc about this otherwise if he won't help himself then maybe it is time to jump ship

aetw · 03/05/2018 21:25

@ruthieruthuk it doesn’t matter why he’s abusive. It doesn’t matter if he said he’s willing to change. It’s one thing having this poor girl op going through this let alone having a child in the mix who is very much in danger. Abuse comes in many different ways.
Comments like this can leave s woman left feeling like in someway they have caused the situation, can cure a damaged person or in someway that is it their responsibility. It isnt!
She isn’t safe, she’s pregnant. It’s not the time to start helping him. She needs help not him.

Oct18mummy · 04/05/2018 06:14

Don’t stay in a miserable relationship, please seek solace with your family and friends who can support you.

I had same thing at 18 and am so happy my daughter didn’t have to grow up around his bad behaviours which are not normal.

Good luck x

aetw · 06/05/2018 04:54

@targaryen1 I have been worried about you and wondering how you Are getting on? I hope you are ok?hugs to you. Xx

Claire90ftm · 10/05/2018 17:13

I've seen a few people mention getting asked about abuse at their midwife appointment. I am 20 weeks pregnant and was never asked. Not that I'm in an abusive relationship, but I wonder why I wasn't asked.

Iswallowtoothpaste · 10/05/2018 17:37

Life as a young single mum would be so much better than it is now with an abusive partner.

Of course, if being a single mum isn’t what you want then there are other options available to you.

Cosmoa · 10/05/2018 18:22

@Claire90ftm was your partner with you at all appointments? If not then they may assume you would tell them.

I went with my partner and the midwife took me out of the room to weigh and measure me and pulled me aside into a private room to ask. Just wondering if they only ask if you're with someone that's all!

Original poster

targaryen1 · 12/05/2018 11:35

Hi everybody, I'm so sorry for the late reply and seeing that people really care has done me the world of good. I'm so thankful for everybody's replies. He has been a lot better recently. I still just cant she this feeling that the pregnancy isn't right. Im so young and i wouldnt want to continue with it on my own, but yet that's the only reason I'm staying with him? I just feel like this child deserves more than me and what i can offer :(

OP posts:

ferntwist · 12/05/2018 20:26

You are the best person in the whole world to look after and love your baby. Never doubt that. You are going to be a Momma and your baby deserves you.
Don’t stay in the relationship if he’s abusive. Go back to your home town and family, if that’s an option?

RandomMess · 12/05/2018 20:32

Please move back "home" I would also get counselling and decide whether you wish to continue with the pregnancy

peachesarenom · 12/05/2018 21:38

Abuse gets worse in pregnancy prolly cos you're more vulnerable then. Get out! Home is safe, keep yourself safe. It will wear you down.

Namechange128 · 12/05/2018 21:50

Get out, whatever course you choose.

Even if you don't, make a call to Marie Stopes - they offer unbiased, extremely confidential and free counselling about pregnancy choices, over the phone or in person. They call from unlisted numbers and use code words, in a worst case scenario you would absolutely be able to have a medical termination without him ever knowing it was not a miscarriage.

If you want to have a baby, you can make it work as a young single mum, many women on here have done this and can give you great advice. If you don't, you don't have to be pregnant.

Hope you can get the support you need.

Rose2887 · 13/05/2018 08:48

You can do this, you need support from your friends and family!!! Try ring the midwife and explain the situation.
Sending lots of love 💗 xx

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