To be or not to be...

[Siany1974]

Hello.
I posted a few weeks ago after the shock discovery that at 43, I am pregnant for the first time even after taking contraception religiously. I told my partner who, as expected, says he doesn’t want another child (he has 2 dd’s at 15 and 11 who live with their mum). He has been thoroughly supportive and I have gone down the route of being booked in tomorrow for a termination consultation because, on paper, there are a thousand reasons not to have this baby. The thought of being pregnant fills me with horror and the thought of having an actual baby leaves me shuddering with fear. But..... the last few weeks since seeing the doc and booking this appointment have allowed me to think.
I don’t feel particularly maternal but more and more I am seeing the possibility, even at my age, of raising a tiny human. And the thought of terminating this pregnancy is feeling more and more wrong.
We can’t afford a baby. He doesn’t want a baby. We’re both over 43. He has 2 other children financially dependent on him. I don’t feel maternal and am not that confident i’ll be a good mother. I left a well paid career for a change of direction but have ended up caring for our permanently disabled dog who needs full time care (and no, he’s nowhere near needing to be pts). I don’t have a big family and neither does he (my mum died years ago and my dad and brother are pretty useless at being good supportive relatives and his folks are quite an old 70 if you know what I mean). There’s significant health risks to a child of an older mother. I’d be 65 when it turns 21... would they resent having such older parents? And the list goes on!
So yeah, tomorrow I am going to the hospital alone to do something that makes absolute sense but that i’m not sure I want to do. My OH and I haven’t spoken about my wobble yet.... I don’t know whether I should talk to him unless i’m clear about my thoughts because I already know what his are.. I think I just needed to vomit out those words to someone and here seems like a better place than speaking to my OH right now so apologies for the waffle!

So last chance saloon to be a dm? If you miss the boat how will you feel?
Everyone has a wobble about having a baby imo.

I had ds at 43 - not my first, and had no problems at all.
If you are having second thoughts it's for a reason.

IMO if you're having doubts that's enough reason not to have a termination. It is a very final thing and something that can be regretted even with all the best reasons in the world to have one (I speak from experience there).

It's a decision that should be made by you and you alone. Of course your DP can have an opinion and you can take that into account, but it's ultimately you that has to go through with it.

There is no right and wrong answer, when I was in a similar position to you I wanted someone to take the reigns from me and make that decision but of course nobody could do it for me.

I'm 44 and pregnant. It's not my first.
I hope this baby won't resent me for being old! I will stay as healthy & fit as I can.

I have two step kids who lived with me throughout their teenage years - and taught me that all kids will always resent you for something at some point! So long as you love them and are emotionally there for them then it should be ok...I doubt they'd want you with them in the night club anyway!

The most important thing is what do YOU want, in your heart of hearts? I dithered about this pregnancy but in my heart of hearts knew I couldn't abort it- which gave me my answer! But I'm not anti abortion in any way. It's your body and totally your choice. Good luck with whatever you choose. Don't feel bullied into your choice by anyone else's views .

Posting on here is a good idea. Considering your OH already has a strong view, I actually think that waiting to talk to him is a good idea, at least until you know what you want to. You could postpone your appointment until you know what you want to do. You could just tell OH that it's been rescheduled (true).

It's such a monumental decision. You don't want to rush it or feel pressured.

The question really is how do you feel and what do you think you might regret more.

I'm in a similar situation, though younger at 35. My partner doesn't think we should have the baby and at first that was my strongly held wish as well. But as time has gone on a bit, I've changed my mind. I guess I should have realized that when I didn't immediately book the termination. I kept putting it off for various reasons. Now I have to somehow tell him that I want to keep it. Money isn't an issue but our relationship has been rocky so I have to be prepared to go it alone and that's the only thing holding me back from making a 100% decision to keep it.

Thanks for all your replies. LIZ, i’m sorry you’re going through this too. I hope you don’t have to go it alone (it’s something I though about too, but I think i’m more worried that a baby will get in the way of our relationship, rather than him leaving me If I decide to terminate).

I feel both completely disconnected from my rational thinking but more in tune with my body than I think i’ve ever been because of the changes it’s going through, and I feel totally conflicted about it all. If I never became pregnant I might have looked back mildly wistfully at my life but with no real regrets. But now I’m in a position I honestly never thought I would be and am scared I will make the wrong decision. Keeping it scares the bejesus out of me and will change our lives forever and I don’t know if that’s a good thing / not keeping it.. will I regret it or be able to get over it?

Not sure I want to postpone my appointment as it’s not doing the deed so to speak. I think going will give me a bit more clarity. 2 weeks ago I was actually hoping I would miscarry, just so that I didn’t have to make the decision...

The doc estimated I was around 8 weeks although neither of us have any idea really, and that was 10 days ago. How long is it feasible for me to wait if i’m not able to make this decision tomorrow?