MIL staying after birth

[GreenMeerkat]

Currently pregnant with #3. My MIL lives abroad and has invited herself to stay with us when baby is born (like straight away). I'm having a planned section so will know the date in advance and she is planning on booking flights for that time. She announced this when she was here for the weekend just as she was leaving and I was a little stunned and didn't know what to say. She is very welcome to come and see her grandchild of course, and I would never deny her that, but she's expecting to stay with us. Am I being selfish by not wanting her to stay when I've just had a major operation and have a newborn to look after? It's nothing personal, I wouldn't want my own mum there 24/7 either. I'm just a bit stunned she invited herself and I don't know how to tactfully tell her that I'd rather she didn't stay with us, or should I leave that for DH to do?

I don't know how to tactfully tell her either but just to say I wouldn't be happy about that at all! Don't blame you!

Will she want full guest treatment or will she get stuck in and help out? Look after the other 2 kids etc?

Tell your DH to make sure she makes other arrangements.

His Mum his job.

Your husband needs to have a word.

@Aw12345 she would help out with the kids, do the washing up etc. She wouldn't expect to be treated as a hotel guest. She was here just after DC2 was born and was really helpful with DC1 but I just found it difficult her being there, invasive if that makes sense? She left the day after I came home from hospital so wasn't so bad but she's planning on staying for a few days and I just don't want her there, as awful as that sounds!

I think your DH needs to just be blunt and say "We're really looking forward to you meeting the baby, but you won't be able to stay with us. I'll send you details of a few places round here where you can book a room".

I don’t think that sounds awful say you don’t want her there. I think that’s s totally valid feeling. I wouldn’t want that either and I think it’s fine to say... “I’m really pleased that you would like to be with us after the birth, but because I’m having a c-section I’m a bit worried about having extra pressure of guests. Please could you make some alternative arrangements for accommodation or perhaps arrange the trip for a few weeks after the birth?”
I think it’s fine to say that. She’s probably imagining that you will need help and that she is offering a service but I understand totally. I wouldn’t want that.

You don't have to tell what the exact date do you? Keep it vague for now, tell dh to speak to her and say he will let her know when is best to visit.

Similar situation here (in laws abroad) but it’s our first and their first grandkid. We’re yet to have the chat but I’ll be requesting a minimum of 2 weeks after the birth and then they’ll have to stay in a local hotel. Lovely lovely people but I just want to be with our little family initially (plus our house is tiny and the thought of waiting for the one loo post birth fills me with dread). I had planned to try and get them over a few months before for me and MIL to go shopping and for them to be at the baby shower so that they feel more involved and then of course a few weeks after birth. Good luck! Agree it’s something for your hubby to broach initially 👍

I know what you mean, it's nice she wants to help out but (for example) I always feel like I need to be up and dressed when MIL staying, but when it's just me and DH I can lounge around in PJs.

DH needs to have a word if you're not happy with her being there, you're the one who is having a major surgery and then having to nurse a newborn baby.

My MIL did the same last week. I said no thank you, it’s important we have some alone bonding time during the first weeks.

My friend had this with her MIL. Friend ended up telling MIL a different date for c section. DC was born a week earlier by "EMCS" to account for the difference in dates.

Her MIL is a massive PITA though. Anyone reasonable should be open to a discussion of "sorry, that doesn't work for us" and an AirBnB/Hotel at a time more convenient.

It's a tricky one. My MIL came to stay for a week when my son was about 2 weeks old. She wasn't helpful or in anyway practical but we knew that of her and didn't expect it. He's now 3 and she's still not helpful Whalen she comes to stay. If she's likely to help out then maybe it's a good thing but like you, I'm never fully relaxed when someone stays. You sort of feel like you should be "hosting". I'd hate to tell my family or in laws that they should stay in a hotel however

See that's the thing, I'd feel awful telling her she can't stay and that she'd have to stay in a hotel, but I can't have her stay with us directly after the birth. She's not a PITA and would be helpful so I do seem so ungrateful but I wouldn't feel comfortable with her being here and we don't have a huge house so will feel so crowded with 3DC and the masses of baby stuff as well. I spoke to my DH this evening and he totally understands and says he will speak to her but I will still feel terrible and she will know I'll have said I don't want her here 😕

Can't your DH ask her to come and stay but not immediately? Seems harsh making her stay in a hotel.