Hi all,
I’m hoping I can get some feedback on my current situation.
Just some background info; when I was growing up I had an awful relationship with my mother; she was extremely emotionally abusive and strict which was not proportionate to my age; from 12 onwards never letting me out after school (even for dinner round friends or sleepovers at the weekend). From the moment I got home from school, until it was time to go back to school, I was expected to stay in my room. If friends mums called to ask if I could go on birthday events (days out bowling, swimming, ice skating etc) my mum was rude and would tell them no and put the phone down. In fact, it became a sort of running joke amongst my school friends of how rude and scary my mum was. My friend knew I didn’t have a tv and when I was 14 gave me her old one which I hid under my bed, and I came home from school one day to find the TV on top of the bin outside with the wires cut, just sitting there in plain view. I think my mum gave me the silent treatment for a week after that.
I also came home once and she was in my room, reading my diary and she made me sit on my bed and read me excerpts from it whilst I cried and asked her to stop. As I grew a little older (16 ish), friends got abit braver and I remember one knocking on the front door one weekend and mum opened it, they asked if I was in and she slammed the door in their face. I honestly look back at that period of my life and think she bullied me for fun because she was bored. I was a really quiet, shy kid, not naughty in the least (not that I had much of a chance!). I have an older brother and much younger sister and neither were treated the same way.
As I progressed to my late teens, I became very distant to my mum and was hardly around her. I started seeing my now husband at age 24 and around this time my brother had his first serious girlfriend (now wife). Mum completely altered her behaviour when either/both partners were around. Acting like a sweet, almost dappy old woman. However, she still makes little underhand remarks and says little sly comments to me when she can.
For the past 3-4 years I’ve wanted to confront mum about her past behaviour but haven’t.
Anyway, I met with mum and sister this weekend and ended up finally saying how I’ve felt about the situation.
What started the confrontation was mum made some comment about how rude I was (I’d had enough and was just matching her rude comments back to her, as she kept making digs about my pregnancy weight). She said that my brother and sister aren’t ever rude to her and I said well maybe its because of how she treated me in childhood (yes I know that sounds ridiculously childish but that’s the thing; sometimes she brings that out).
I said since I’ve become pregnant I’m really conscious of how bad she parented me and I don’t want to repeat that pattern. I also want to know why she was so cruel and gave her examples. She literally just said “well if that’s how you feel” over and over and kept trying to physically walk away. I was like, hold on I want to have this conversation I need to know why you treated me like that and then she just walked off like a child without saying anything else.
I haven’t heard from her since, despite having our 20 weeks scan on Monday…she knew we were going to find out gender so expected a call and apology (don’t know why) but nothing.
Now I know I will get the silent treatment for a good few months, but I’m sick of it. I’m starting to wonder whether this relationship is worth it and can’t stand how she’s ironically using the same treatment as when I was younger.
On my scan on Monday it found my uterine artery Doppler results were abnormal. The sonographer explained the best thing I can do is not stress out about anything and I’m now going to have further scans to check babies growth at 28 and 36 weeks.
I really don’t want to stoop to my mothers levels and call her as I know she’ll blame this on me “being hormonal” and this issue will never get resolved. I don’t even know if I really care about speaking with her again, but I just feel really guilty and can’t stop thinking about it. I’m angry with my mum 1.) because of how shitty a mother she was when I was younger, but 2.) how she’s now handling this and somehow thinks its acceptable to “punish” me with silent treatment yet again at this stage of my life.
Just wondering if anyone had any experience of dealing with a “difficult” mother during pregnancy or otherwise or has any advice as to how to proceed? I don’t feel I’m in the wrong here but am feeling stressed at the prospect I wont be invited to family BBQs or meals out with family over the summer, and I don’t want my child to not have grandparents….
Thanks,