Focus on after birth experience rather than birth experience

[dasilva83]

Hi All, I am childcare professional with 15 years of experience and 3 active little ones under my belt. I am writing a blog about the first 5 years of our children's lives and how important it is to make an impact in those early years. Yesterday I have written a blogpost about childbirth and the aftermath, because I found that my midwifes always focused on birthing plan and experience rather than the time after birth. Do you have the same experiences? I think we can plan as much as we want but if nature plays its part, our birthing plan might end up just being a pretty A4 sheet (in my case it was at least only that). However we can anticipate and plan the time and first few weeks after birth. I spent it alone with mu husband and DD. I found this important because less visitors meant I could focus on us rather than being pressured. I could breastfeed wherever I wanted and wear the same PJ for the entire week without my hair washed or even combed:)...I was not Inta ready that is for sure.

So my question? Do you experience the same? not so much emphasise on after birth rather than during birth..
Thank you for any replies, it helps me with my next post and topic

In the nicest possible way, why would your midwife give a toss whether or not you were going to have visitors or brush your hair four days after the birth? They focus on the birth plan because that's the bit that's medical and so their actual job. I thought you meant after birth plan as in 'skin to skin contact in first 30 minutes after delivery', which is fair enough, but helping you plan for the week after the baby's birth really isn't the midwife's job.

Midwives are there to make sure that you have a healthy pregnancy and birth. How often you change your clothes and brush your hair isn't medically relevant. Things like breastfeeding support and baby wellbeing often come from health visitors after the first 10 days.

I did not mean to cause an argument on this it was only a question. I did not exactly meant only brushing my hair. I was more keen to explore how much advice is given about those first few weeks you spend bonding with your baby. As I am coming from a childcare background I know how important it is to ensure that bonding happens correctly and new mothers are supported. It is overwhelming to have your first child and women I met throughout my career sometimes find it a hard to cope initially. Perhaps midwifes are not the best example, I was actually thinking wider, including health visitors and only asked for feedback. I am just keen to know how much preparation is there and advice on how to cope in the first few weeks.

I would want my midwife to concentrate on my birth, that’s what she’s there for - to make sure mum and baby get through labour safely. With dc1 we were pointed to some classes they run at the hospital (possibly by midwives?) that went through nappy changing, safe sleeping positions, feeding etc. I

In Holland they have an amazing system where the state provides help to new mothers at home when they first have a baby - that would be amazing!!!

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kraamzorg

Hi i agree with you! I dont think there is a lot of after birth planning pre birth.
I dont think midwives/hvs should tell you what to do but i def think they should give you advice on dif areas which happen.. such as breastfeeding, hormones and how you feel (emotionally), physical things (bleeding) and how others can help you.

However i also dont feel like it should be heathcare proffessionals place. In an ideal world (imo) we would have more communities and spaces which new women felt fully supported in and places they could go for opinions, advice and even help.

Saying all that, in my experience my midwives werent also that bothered about my birthing plan, or anything really. I had to ask about everything and they would just give me a leaflet about it (what to expect during birth/how to know it was happening, breastfeeding ect)

I agree with you all. Midwifes not best to advise on that. However due to my research I had done prior to writing my blogpost I found in some countries they actually do take care of that too. I think the best would be a large community just as Olivebrach mentioned. My experience with all 3 of my births were very different. My first midwife was very attentive also my health visitor but I felt it was largely due to the fact that I was a new mum. Whereas my subsequent midwifes and health visitors assumed I needed much less help and meant to know it all and still each birth raised new issues and each time I faced with things I have never experienced such as phantom labour which you usually experience with 3 or more children... nobody really informed me

Postnatal care funding is a pittance in the NHS unfortunately compared to other areas.

I think there probably is help available if you seek it out. I had a midwife come the day after we got home and I could have asked her anything or called her if I needed help. She signed me over to the health visitor after a couple of weeks, so again there was someone there to ask if I needed them.
I wanted to be left alone to just cuddle and feed my baby as it turns out.

I don't see the point in birth plans personally. You don't know what you will want or what will need to be done until you're in labour so I feel they're more about calming nerves and feeling like its not so unknown beforehand.

I think most parents are more excited than scared (to the extent they are about labour) about having a newborn so a detailed plan to calm nerves isn't necessary.

The midwives and health visitors are there to advise and reassure as issues come after, but until the baby is here first time parents are unlikely to know what problems they will face or how they will feel about visitors.

I had a midwife visit me at home every day for the first ten days after birth they were brilliant. Then the hv took over and they were also really supportive if I had any questions on feeding, bonding, nappies etc. This was more than I expected and I had just assumed me and my dp would be left to figure things out because every baby/experience is different. I wouldn't have been disappointed if that had been the case but as it was we did get a lot of help.

Out of interest, what is the correct way to bond with your baby??

That is amazing elmo1980, I wonder if it also depends on the area you live in and perhaps whether it is something to do with the ratio of pregnant women/midwife. I certainly did not receive every day home visit for the first ten days. Even though I was at risk of postnatal depression which I had twice.My first two babies were born 4 hours away from London, in a lovely town but not overpopulated and there was definitely much more one to one care I received than with the 3rd, who was born closer to London..in a town where birth rates are high.

@Anotherdayanotherdollar, perhaps my choice of words past 9 pm;) is not the best.Forgive me, we are moving house, I am still trying to blog, be productive and my 18 months old is on the go:) I don't believe in one correct way. I think just as we are all different in this world, we find different things soothe and annoy us. When I mentioned correct way I meant more of being in a right mindset and headspace. Having support, but equally don't give into pressure if you wish to just be alone with your baby. I remember the discussions with my husband before the birth of our 1st baby, as he was adamant to move my mother-in-law to our house for a few weeks..to help. As my Mum was already struggling with cancer, I knew my husband just wanted me to get any support..and he was trying to be helpful. His mum even wanted to come into the room while I was in labour. However I had no wish for her to see me in that state..undressed etc. and also did not think she would soothe me and help me to bond with my baby rather than being "helpful" 24/7, wanting to overtake or judge every decision I make as a new mum. And I am very happy I put. my foot down and sad NO to both offers, but it was hard, even for me. Those initially first visits confirmed my decision was correct as she was doing nothing but criticise me. Not to give into that pressure of extended family was hard. I felt I got it covered because of the childcare experience and studies I had previously, I was not worried about nappy changing or bathing..but it must be so hard for new mums who does not have that prior experience. My mum before she got ill had a private nursery and I grow up helping her out after school so I knew all about babies and toddlers, even then I found first few weeks of motherhood beautiful but tough...and for long time I felt I am a bad mum if I say that, but had to accept that it does not make me a bad mum if acknowledge I find something overwhelming to start with.

@Onceuponatimethen, the link you posted is amazing..just read it. I think it would be so good to have something similar
@BubblesAndSquarks exactly what I was writing in my latest blog, so many things can change, my birthing plan was nowhere close to reality once labour kicked in. Although I have met with many women who managed to stick to it;)

I think you raise a good point and I think women would do well to reflect on what they might want after birth and after coming home from the hospital. Unfortunately we are so isolated nowadays, without a helpful partner and or friends and family it can be really difficult... agree that not midwife job strictly but could perhaps direct women to an article or blog post on this topic so that those who wish to can refer to it and plan. Good luck and thanks for doing something to raise awareness of the need for women to value themselves as new mums and be proactive about self care.

And even with helpful partner etc - some concrete ideas of what women want could help clarify the nature of the support which will be needed

Thank you for this interesting thread. I am a first time mum to be so I haven't yet experienced birth or the immediate time after but already I can feel that there is a disconnect forming between 'before' and 'after'.

Birth in many of the books and literature I have been given is often seen as the 'finish line'. Obviously the goal of a healthy pregnancy is to take home a healthy baby but few of the books of leaflets takes you past the moment of leaving hospital and the child care ones pick up the thread a little bit later leaving a gap.

One of my friends described the moment of leaving hospital as a total shock, she had focused so hard on the birth that there had been no space for visualisation or day-dreaming of the future past it. She had little practical understanding of what would be happening to her body and emotions, although she had been given the basics of how to look after the baby.

I work in sport and often when an athlete has a goal that they are working very hard toward and are focused on, even if they succeed and get the result they wanted, there can be a difficult period of adjustment and even grief as life 'pre-goal' was so very different to life after.
Ok, some of you may not like a simplistic analogy between sport and childbirth but this conversation has made me think a little bit harder about the type of emotions that I may experience even after a successful birth, so thank you all for that.

Hi both:) I am so happy to read it helped in a little way even if my aim was to do some research on whether my experience of that gap is an isolated one or more widespread. I totally get what you mean about the focus on the Target scenario and I think you will compare to whatever you have as experience so nothing wrong with that:) here is my full previous blogpost on some of this mentioned www.edinadasilva.com, and with a help of all your opinions I can continue my next post keeping this topic because I think it also links to postnatal depression (I have experienced it twice), I know my reason for feeling low was not necessary isolation or the fact that I did not know what to do, but because it was so overwhelming, the responsibility hit me like a shock. Good luck with your baby, it will be fine. I think you just have to keep in mind that it is ok to feel and say it’s hard. Even if everybody says you should feel joy and magic and you are blessed to have a baby. All true because sadly many people can’t. But it does not make those first few weeks in fact in my case first 6 months any easier:)

and one more thing, before anybody thinks I am doing a free ad here to market my blog:) I did not mention it in previous messages because that was not my aim. I just thought for a new mum like @rideforthehills it is perhaps an interesting read and any writing makes you think of your own emotions prior to birth is useful as you are more prepared. Even if that article is just someone else's opinion.

The sun is out:) Have a lovely day Everyone

😻

I honestly just want to be left alone afterwards. I can’t stand interference when all I want to do is nest with my baby. I don’t need help and if I did I would ask for it

@FranticallyPeaceful totally on the same page with you. I am ok with my partner being around but all I want is to be with my baby and just need calm and peace. I think my body goes through such a shock as i give birth, I feel as if I need to reload and gain energy.