Just found out I'm going to be a dad - feeling anxious.

[Pantana90]

Hello all, I only found out yesterday that I'm going to be a dad for the first time. I'm 28 and my girlfriend is 32. We've been together for two happy years. I'll be totally honest and say that I really don't know if I'm ready to be a dad - or if I want a baby at this stage of my life. My girlfriend knows this. But it's happening and I will of course face it like a man.

One thing has bothered me, though. I thought the other day 'yeah maybe I do want this' but when we found out - after the initial excitement - I started getting terrible anxiety. I do have a history of mild anxiety (a constant worrier) and I barely slept a wink last night.

I think it stems from all my doubts that I've had throughout my life. For example, I do things like doubt if I love my girlfriend, if I love her enough, doubt if I'd love my baby because I had doubts with loving my gf, doubt nearly every facet of major parts of my life.
I know this is 'just' anxiety, but it bothers me immensely. My girlfriend is absolutely wonderful and these doubts I speak of have only popped up at certain points. I do love her, and feel like I do a lot more than I doubt it, if that makes sense. I feel great 95% of the time with her, it's only when certain bad thoughts like this pop up that I became agitated. I've never felt happier in a relationship than I do now.

Can anyone offer any advice? My anxiety causes restless nights and I don't want that to start again (I doubted my love for an ex-girlfriend five years ago, got so wound up about it and didn't sleep for ages). Can anyone relate to this? Everything I have told you, I've told my girlfriend. I try to be 100% honest with her always. We talk things out but I just want to be able to relax and not become restless at night - I know I'll be fine otherwise. Thank you.

Look mate, from a man to a man, you're going to have to get your big boy trousers on and deal with this.

being a good dad is way harder then you've been led to believe, being a good partner is also way harder then you've been led to believe.

Embrace this situation, make it yours and it will be the making of you as a human being, otherwise, you can spend the rest of your life worrying and waste it utterly....

Of course it's going to be worrying being a father for the first time but you can do it! There are lots of good books and websites to help you cope and maybe it's an idea to go to support groups and see a counsellor to deal with the issue. Sadly unless she has an abortion which I doubt she will by the sound of it you will have to be a dad and the child deserves one to stick around. Its not all bad there are some good moments too!

Yes I will never abandon my gf and child. I couldn't cope with the shame. It's a time to man up, step up and I know I'm capable. I just don't want to let the anxiety punish me. :)

From a woman's perspective -

I'm sure your GF is absolutely bricking it as well. I almost cried when I saw those two lines. Not happy tears, scared ones. Even though we were trying.

It's a massive change, and you're right to feel anxious. I think that's perfectly normal. However, it sounds like your anxiety sometimes gets on top of you, so I think that maybe you need to talk to someone about that?

I'm glad you're speaking openly with your GF, that will definitely help the two of you get through this.

As I say, look at counselling for the anxiety and congratulations on the pregnancy. Don't let your anxiety ruin this special time for you :)

It won't if you get help. Anxiety is a horrible thing but there are many ways to stop it ruining your live, you just need to see what works for you. Talk to people like friends and family who have had kids and hopefully they can help you get through this

I suffer from anxiety too. I heard a radio ad yesterday based on a guy just like you (an anxious guy about to be a dad) who had some sessions with something called ieso (might not be spelt right) that had helped.

Preparing to be a parent IS huge, and so is dealing with anxiety. Ignore comments such as "man up". It's clear you do love your partner but that doesn't make it less daunting. When your baby comes you WILL love them too.

Do be there for your partner but also whilst doing so look after your own mental health too so you can be the best partner and dad when the baby arrives.

We r the opposite. My OH was over the moon he's going to be a dad. He's caused arguements at the start through panic that the house etc won't be "ready" in time. Now he is parenting random children and building kennels for the dogs, decorating etc.

I on the other hand am crapping myself. Terrified I'll have issues at birth, if I'll love DC, if I'll still love OH after going through the pain of labour, if I'll be a good mum etc

I think it's normal to have a "panic" stage. Just try to take it one step at a time so u aren't overwhelmed

Anxiety is awful. I feel for you. But your doubts are.. concerning.
For me, I know 10000% for certain that I love my other half. I also knew 10000% that I wanted our baby.

A baby is a huge life change. You're walking into a big commitment here.

And well, I'd just.. think long and hard about whether you're ready for fatherhood.

Sounds like you have ‘catastrophic thinking’ OP, it’s really common but it may well get worse when baby arrives, so it might be worth thinking about getting some CBT to try and tackle it now? In terms of becoming a Dad, a really great book for this stage is Mark Harris’s ‘Men, Love, & Birth’, which night help you deal with any anxieties around the birth. Good luck, and congratulations!

A concern yes, but they manifest throughout my entire life. Not this one time, I know I can get through the anxiety. I've worked myself into a panic and it's something I can and will get through.

thank you InMemoryOfSleep - ‘catastrophic thinking’ would fit my train of thought quite well, actually. When I'm in full flow (ie. feeling great, confident, I am perfect).

This ‘catastrophic thinking’ knocks my confidence for six. Maybe help could be an option, but I'm already feeling a little bit better. Thing is, I KNOW I can do this, I just want everything to be ok.

Don't think about having to "man up" or get your "big boy trousers on". Those are unhelpful masculine stereotypes that will just put pressure on you.

No one (sensible) approaches parenting without feeling anxious at some point. Women don't know what they're doing either, everyone muddles through and does their best at that point in time.

It's not hard to be a good parent. Try to be kind in how you interact with your child, but not a pushover. Be consistent but not rigid and inflexible. Be warm and joyful, but don't be worried about showing sadness or even anger if it's appropriate. Talk things through in advance with your partner and have a unified approach. If you make a mistake, acknowledge it, apologise and move on.

If you find the anxiety is too much and it's causing you lack of sleep and distress, then seek counselling or similar now. Better to get ahead with addressing it, rather than wait till the baby is here.

@Pantana90 it’s great that you’re feeling a bit better, and you sound confident that you can do this (you can!) but maybe think about getting some help now anyway - the last thing you’ll want if you start to struggle again is to be trying to arrange some CBT, and if you’re going through the NHS the waiting list is LONG. So maybe think about popping to your GP to see if they’ll refer you now. Having a baby is literally the most anxiety inducing thing I’ve ever experienced, and although it’s absolutely wonderful, you need to be firing on all cylinders to cope with it (and to be able to support your GF if and when she needs it).

there are 2 things going on here-

1. You are going to be a father
2. You suffer with anxiety

The news about the baby is just the peg that your anxiety has found to hang itself on. Being a parent is hard, but look around you- most of us do it and many of us love it, even if at times it can be boring, tiring, frustrating etc...try to forget that your anxiety is currently focussed on the baby. Get some help for the anxiety itself. Ask your GP for CBT, and in the meantime find some online resources. If you are in the UK there's a scheme called 'books on prescription' which is run by public libraries. They have a set of specially chosen books (ie they're not woo nonsense) to help people cope with a range of conditions, including anxiety. Go and get one of those (just ask the librarian for the 'books on prescription' list.

Assassinated has nailed it 👍 also definitely worth getting booked onto some decent antenatal classes (such as NCT) so you can ask lots of questions and help to knock some of your anxious thinking on the head.

When I was younger, you used to be worried about stuff. Now it's called anxiety.

IMO, it's enabling.

I never said "man up"

@A4710Rider I sincerely hope you never have to struggle with anxiety. It is a whole lot more than 'being worried about stuff ' but quite frankly with your caveman attitude I wouldn't expect you to understand. Why don't you leave the thread now and let the OP get some proper advice.
OP I understand where you are coming from and agree with a PP that the baby is the peg to hang your anxiety on. I would encourage you to seek out some support, your GP would be a good first step. Once the baby is here you won't have a minute to deal with your own feelings to begin with so best to try and approach it sooner rather than later.

First of all, congratulations

Secondly, anxiety is overwhelming. I’ve lived with it all my life but with fairly mild medication and CBT I’m coping now.
Like you I catastrophise, I get panicky and especially when our kids were small I was constantly in fight-or-flight mode, adrenaline going and couldn’t switch off.

Can you ask your GP for some advice? They could help you to manage your anxiety and concerns, and also arrange counselling if needed (it’s a long waiting list).

And being a first time parent is scary, because you don’t know what to expect, what is coming, how you’ll manage, all that stuff. But you’ll get there, and there will be good days and bad days and shit days and on top of the world days.

You don't understand, A471

'how will I support my partner in labour? I'll be no help at all....I know, I'll talk to other dads and find out what it was like. Or we can go to some classes. I've never done anything like that before....but then, I started a new job last year, never done anything like that before....that worked out OK....So, I'll ring Dave tonight, they had a baby 6 months ago, that'll be a start'

That is worrying about stuff.

Anxiety is-

Oh my god, what have I done. I'll be useless. Just like when I tried to learn to do X, I was useless at that too. But this is so much more important- if I'm useless at this, it will be awful for the baby, it will grow up to hate me. And I'll be letting GF down as well. She might leave me. In fact, it might be better if she left me now. And what is something's wrong with the baby. My sperm are probably damaged because of (stupid reason) and the baby will be affected etc etc

Your thoughts of "do I love my girlfriend" sound like OCD style intrusive thoughts. Give it a Google if you've never heard of it. My husband suffers with OCD and has these thoughts, he also has generalised anxiety disorder.

I'm sure you are ready, and your mind is just playing mean tricks on you. Whether you decide youre ready or not will fade into insignificance when your baby is born, because you'll know you're ready then.