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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

ARGH - why do people want you to be stressed about birth?!

21 replies

Catz · 13/05/2007 17:25

Sorry, a small rant.

I've had a friend over for the weekend (no kids and doesn't want them) and she has spent the whole weekend trying to start conversations about how awful pregnancy and birth are in a 'sympathetic' voice.

I am coming up to 32 weeks and have been absolutely fine and feeling quite calm and positive aboiut the birth. Every time there was a lull in the conversation she would say something along the lines of "You must really be starting to panic now, I'm not sure I could go through all of that pain, when my friend [insert horror story here]" or "I suppose the varicose veins and swelling will be starting soon" etc. I kept cutting her short and telling her I was absolutely fine and quite happy about the whole thing. She left jsut now saying "I really admire you for being so brave, I'm not sure I could be" and looking at me as if I'd been diagnosed with a terminal illness.

I didn't lose my temper with her as I'm sure that would have made her convinced I was just supressing my "fear" but I could have punched her by the end! Nevertheless, it's been very wearing I'm now feeling really undermined and the calm, positive feelings I've had now seem forced as I feel I've had to defend my mental calm all weekend....

Sorry, just wanted to get it off my chest. Do other people get this?

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foxybrown · 13/05/2007 17:31

I think there's more said about hard labours and births, its almost competitive. If someone's telling you about what an awful time they've had, you can't really turn around and say, well actually, mine was really quite fine!

My 3 have all been fine, really good in fact. But I daren't say it out loud! Am looking forward to the next one in 7 weeks, if not a little nervous having had 3 good ones with no complication.

quokka · 13/05/2007 17:34

yes yes yes! Getting preggers and being pregnant and then delivering a baby is normal and can be stress free. Both of my pregnancies were and I gave birth naturally with no complications. Everyone looked at me as if I was mad not to have pain relief but they didn't in the dark ages! Having a baby is what women do and I was so sick of people freaking me out as if the whole concept of labour was wrong (physically) its what we as women are here for.

I think your friend is not normal or is jealous of you. Hope that helps with the frustration, sounds like you have a level head so you will be fine.

lulumama · 13/05/2007 17:34

don;t let it undermine your positivity and calmness.....if she doesn;t even have children, nor does she ever want them , i would take everything she says with a large pinch of salt

i have two DCs, and the only reason i would ever want another, is just to give birth again! i blardy loved it !

Rantum · 13/05/2007 17:42

Tbh - what does your friend know about pg or birth anyway? Pg, labour, birth, babyhood affects different people differently and there is very little point in speculating about how it will be for you, other than remembering that OVERALL you are having a baby and that is a very beautiful thing!

BTW I had a "tough" labour, but what came from it was the most wonderful thing that has happened to me in my life - my beautiful little boy!

fuzzywuzzy · 13/05/2007 17:47

I don't know why, people did it to me too, oooh you're pregnant, well my birth....cue hideous gory stories. The real thing was not half as traumatic as the tales I had to endure.

Mind you people are constantly doing this to me, oooh you have broken toes, well so did I and now my feet are hideously deformed....!!!!

Or when I asked a friend how his injury was doing he whipped his trouser leg up to show me a disgusting oozing wound!!!

Never again I'm not disgussing health with anyone, it is the weather and only the weather I shall be talking about from this point on ...

lissielou · 13/05/2007 17:48

quite often people are frightened by what they dont undestand. i also had a difficult birth but would try for natural delivery again in a heartbeat.

AitchTwoOh · 13/05/2007 17:54

good for you, catz, you keep positive. there was a lovely thread a few months ago asking who would have a baby again tomorrow and hundreds of us posted to say what an amazing, life-changing experience it was.

lulumama · 13/05/2007 17:58

loads of uplifting , positive birth stories here!!!

Dottydot · 13/05/2007 18:12

Catz - I try not to do this, but... I remember really clearly when ds1 was about 6 weeks old, feeling really really angry to all other Mums for not telling me what labour/birth/the first 6 weeks was really like. It was like it was this huge secret that no-one had divulged. I was furious. Maybe she was trying to be supportive - just in case some of it turns out to be not how you'd planned (dp and I both had emergency c sections), so you know you'll be able to talk to her about it??

(just trying to see the other side! ).

Good luck though and it's good you're being positive - every labour and birth is different!

GColdtimer · 13/05/2007 18:15

I didn't get this because most of my friends had had babies but I did get friends discussing their birth stories with a definite "mine was worse than yours" edge to them so I know exactly what you mean. Really hard when you are trying to stay calm and positive about the whole thing. Good luck catz - your friend is just seeing it through her "no desire for children" eyes and doesn't really know anything about it. As Aitch said, it is an amazing, life changing experience. Not easy (and harder for some than others, granted) but amazing.

Original poster

Catz · 13/05/2007 18:26

Thanks for the replies everyone (and esp for that link lulumama - that looks great). It's great to hear people being positive about their experiences.

I know it's not necessarily easy and things can go wrong and I'm reading about what might happen so I can make informed choices or at least have an idea of what is happening if problems arise. If l end up having an emergency c/s or similar then that'll be a shame but TBH I'm glad that I'm living in a country and a time when I have that safety net. It just seems to me that being frightened and in a panic is one of the things that is most likely to cause problems in the first place. Given that hundreds of thousands of women give birth in this country (many for the 2nd + time) it must be perfectly possible - being stressed is only going to make me miserable for 2 months, associate the baby with fear and cause problems later!

This sounds awful but deep down I think this friend would be quite pleased if things didn't go too smoothly (I'm not saying that she'd want anything to be seriously wrong) because she could then wade in to be the 'support' (some chance) enjoy the drama and have a great story to tell the next poor woman...

Thanks for all the positive replies!

OP posts:

KristinaM · 13/05/2007 18:36

i winder if your friend really does want to have kids but is too scared? And she wanst you to reassure her..oh no, its not that bad etc etc

lyrabelacqua · 13/05/2007 18:37

I had this when pg with my first. My friend seemed much too eager to ring me and tell me of some latest birth horror story she'd heard . After a while I told her off, that I did know that birth was going to be painful but that her extreme examples didn't apply to everyone and to stop telling me about them. i told her it was like telling someone who was scared of flying about how she'd heard about some plane crashing with no survivors. I think that analogy made her realise how tactless she was being. maybe you could try something similar if she does it again.
hth

Magnolia36 · 13/05/2007 18:37

Hello Catz, I have experienced something similar - but with women who have already had their babies, and who seem to have really enjoyed going through every detail of their birth horror stories. I am a new mum in July - and to be honest, if I hear one more horror story I'll scream!!! I actually got to a point where I was starting to get really scared and anxious. I have now had a chance to visit the hospital maternity ward and meet the midwives in the hospital and I feel soooo much better! I mean I know that not everyone has a good experience and yes, its going to be painful - but I'd still rather go into the experience positive and NOT anxious...

toadstool · 13/05/2007 18:38

Catz, I have childless women friends who seem to relish every horror story (and often embellish them) because (I think) it justifies their choice. Your friend is entitled to her fear of childbirth, but it's not the whole story. I find a bland smile and cloth ears are useful on such occasions.

lyrabelacqua · 13/05/2007 18:42

btw Catz, i had two births which seemed terrible at the time but I'd still got through it again. So it can't be that bad can it?
there's absolutely no need to feel scared at all in the run-up to the birth, just excitement that you're going to meet your baby at last.

AitchTwoOh · 13/05/2007 18:45

all i would say is that the vast majority of my friends have had good experiences and the ones who had more frightening times all ended off with perfect babies. the docs really, really know what they're doing in my experience.
just pipe up if you think that something's awry, you'll have good instincts. did you see that 'free birthing' thread the other day? it was fascinating. also make sure that dh knows to cause a huge fuss if you pipe up and they don't immediately jump to help you...

Moorhen · 13/05/2007 18:46

I'm 31 weeks today and I've actually taken to putting my fingers in my ears and saying I CAN'T HEAR YOU when people try to tell me grisly birth stories. And sometimes they STILL KEEP TALKING! Why?

GColdtimer · 13/05/2007 18:47

And make the most of the next 8 weeks rather doing lovely things rather than spend them fretting. It doesn't sound like you will though. Good luck to magnolia too, I was saying I could do it all again within an hour and I didn't have the shortest of labours so it couldn't have been that bad!

ScottishMummy · 13/05/2007 19:13

hi catz hello other MNeters too- yes dont some people love to share florid luridly described grunt-push-and-all scary awful stories of birth. some things are best left not shared imo u can get to hear too much

i also worked with a woman who when i was up the nelly duff described all abominable horrors of her many births..and she wondered why i avoided her

anyway my point is, birth is the process the real deal is the baby and ur wonderful relationship don't fret too much, stay calm

good luck

aquasea · 15/05/2007 12:26

Oh God yes!! I am 38 weeks and I have had this loads from friends who haven't had kids. Really helpful comments such as "I couldn't do it", "Are you terrified?", "Rather you than me", "You're so brave" as well as all the obligatory horror stories and comments on my bump along the lines of "my god that's so enormous how the hell are you going to get that out?"
I try to let it wash over me and ignore it. Very annoying though!

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