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Original poster

Would anyone else be annoyed?

53 replies

ForeverHopeful21 · 17/04/2018 12:01

I'm 40 weeks pregnant with my first child and my DH has told me that he's accepted invites to golfing events both in 5 weeks and 6 weeks time (consecutive weekends).
He's taking two weeks paternity when the baby is here so obviously by then I'm hoping I'll be well underway with what I'm doing, but golf days out are loooong and I think I just feel really shocked because personally I can't see past the baby arriving and the last thing on my mind is arranging plans with friends.

Obviously I don't know what to expect as I've never had a baby before, but I just assumed that we'd remain a tight little unit for a couple of months .....is that just a romantic notion? I feel really annoyed that he's already booking days out when baby isn't even here yet. My hormones are everywhere at the moment and I feel unsure whether my feelings are justified?

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Colonelpopcorn · 17/04/2018 15:22

I’d be hacked off. Not because I begrudge dh a day out, baby or no baby. It’s more the lack of consideration for my wants/needs and above all the baby’s needs.
Imagine if you just said ‘oh yeh, btw girls days out in 5 weeks time’.

Didntcomeheretofuckspiders · 17/04/2018 15:24

I don’t think it’s a completely unreasonable request but he definitely should have discussed it with you first. Two weekends in a row might also be a bit much. I suppose it depends how useful he is the rest of the time and if he gives you the opportunity to get out and about.

I really hope DP and I are able to continue to enjoy our hobbies after our first is born as I think we mighht go absolutely mad otherwise 😂

HariboIsMyCrack · 17/04/2018 15:27

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Cornishclio · 17/04/2018 15:49

I think it is unreasonable for your DH to disappear off playing golf just a few weeks after the baby has arrived. If you have a c section you can't drive for 6 weeks after the birth so if he disappears off then that effectively leaves you housebound .

He has his whole life to play golf, why is it so critical that he ignores his family and goes off to spend a day knocking a ball around a golf course? I would be cross. He sounds like he is not prepared for how things will change after baby arrives. Incredibly time consuming and exhausting looking after a newborn especially if you have a difficult birth.

Ohyesiam · 17/04/2018 15:53

My main memory of first baby is that you time is no longer your own. Your dh needs to take that on board. You will need him home at weekends, the workload is massive ( but worth it).

Girlwiththearabstrap · 17/04/2018 16:06

I'd be annoyed at the lack of discussion but probably not that annoyed at the idea that my husband might want to socialise. My husband has a few gigs lined up in the weeks after I'm due with our second. But like PPs I wonder if I'm a bit hardened to the whole baby bubble thing because DH worked offshore when our first was born and I didn't have family help. So I just had to get on with things.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 17/04/2018 16:19

Yes I think I must be in the “bit hardened to it” club. I still don’t think a day out of the house with his friends is awful though. Nor would it be if it was OP doing it.

TwinkleStars15 · 17/04/2018 16:21

I honestly think that some people (both mums and dads) don’t realise how much life changes with a newborn, once your little one is here he is very likely to change his mind! My partner wouldn’t have dreamt of leaving us for the day at the weekend, he didn’t want to spend a minute away from her. Having said that, if you have parents or friends nearby I would ask them to be free because if he does go, parenting a newborn can be lonely and if you’ve been by yourself during the week you will want some company.
Maybe have a nice chat with him about how your feeling, explain that your hormones will be all over the place at 6 weeks post partum and you may really need him to be around. Hope it works out and good luck x

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 17/04/2018 16:25

Having said that, if you have parents or friends nearby I would ask them to be free because if he does go, parenting a newborn can be lonely and if you’ve been by yourself during the week you will want some company.

Or even just make plans to meet them!

BobbyAxelrod · 17/04/2018 16:32

It wouldn't bother me. after DC1 was born DH kept up his hobby (one night and a Saturday morning) from the start and it was fine, I liked that we could both get a few hours to ourselves. DC2 due soon and we're already working out how we can both get our hobby time and I've accepted a leaving do for when baby will be potentially 2 weeks old. I wouldn't be impressed if DH had tried to stop that.

MonicaGellerHyphenBing · 17/04/2018 16:32

Argh, golf is the worst hobby as it lasts sooo bloody long. I have been a golfing widow for many years now so I sympathise.

This situation would probably have bothered me tbh, DD was a very clingy, colicky newborn who cried all day and could never be put down, so by Friday night I was well and truly DONE and just needed someone else to hold her while I wept from exhaustion. I didn't expect DH to be with me all the time but as a mum on maternity leave you don't get a break, it's relentless and the weekends can become a welcome solace.

Sounds like he may get a hell of a wakeup call when the reality of life with a newborn hits Shock

AssassinatedBeauty · 17/04/2018 16:39

@BobbyAxelrod, if you don't mind me asking, would you have been happy with your DH deciding to book an activity for two full weekend days like this, without consulting with you at all as to whether that would be ok?

twistedpink · 17/04/2018 16:46

This really wouldn't annoy me, maybe as I was brought up in a military family and my dad didn't even get to see me for the first few months. But everyone's opinions will be different, I'd welcome My partner to do something he enjoyed if I was coping looking after my baby.

ellsharks · 17/04/2018 16:48

Personally, I wouldn't be annoyed, I guess its perspective. I am due 24th November, and have already planned a day out at Winter Wonderland with the Girls in December to celebrate. However, I know my sister would be fuming.

BobbyAxelrod · 17/04/2018 16:55

Lack of discussion would be annoying as it's not how we've ever worked but timing wouldn't have been a problem. It is common courtesy to let the other partner know so I can understand why it would be annoying just to have something sprung on you.

DH also had a "work Xmas night out" which was a two day event to Dublin when DC was a few weeks old and he didn't get paternity leave so I appreciate I'm maybe coming at this from a different angle to others

The other important aspect for me is that I've also been able to keep up hobbies/socialising so if the OPs DH wasn't prepared to help facilitate that then I'd say he was being unfair.

MonicaGellerHyphenBing · 17/04/2018 17:01

@ellsharks that's very optimistic! Is it your first baby and are you planning on breastfeeding?

MrsBartlettforthewin · 17/04/2018 17:25

The golfing in its self wouldn't bother me. The lack of discussion would.

Honey456 · 17/04/2018 17:53

I don’t think I’d mind this-
Although he should have discussed it with you.

I have made plans with friends for hen dos/ days out which will be around 5 weeks after the baby is born. Not sure if this is wishful thinking!

LeighaJ · 17/04/2018 20:01

I think because they don't carry the babies, that men are less prepared emotionally for how big of a change it is once the baby is born. While everything felt like it changed for many women in pregnancy, life for their partner isn't that different.

My point is that he may see the error in that decision only after your baby is born.

Original poster
ForeverHopeful21 · 19/04/2018 13:46

Just because OP wants to stay in and baby gaze doesn’t mean he has to!

I don't expect my DH to stay in and 'baby gaze', I expect him to support me if I need it. We'll be first time parents so I'm unsure of what to expect. As I'm already overdue, my baby could be as little as 3 weeks old when DH goes on these golf days which are sometimes as long as 8 hours. This would be after working Mon-Fri of which a couple of nights are usually spent away. My issue isn't him having hobbies or wanting to see friends, my issue was him arranging plans on consecutive weekends before baby is even here. Thanks for the helpful comments though Hmm

OP posts:
ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 19/04/2018 14:22

I would wait to see if you need the support before deciding he is unreasonable. If you need support on those days and he still goes then yes, he’s a knob but you could very easily not need any support at all in which case he doesn’t need to miss a day of his hobby. Wait and see what happens. I’m assuming he is a decent person and will cancel his plans if you need him to?

Oysterbabe · 19/04/2018 14:56

This honestly wouldn't bother me. Another day that can be spend cuddling the baby and watching what I want on Netflix.

Not all babies are hard so maybe wait and see how you're getting on. Looking after my son isn't a 2 person job, as long as he's fed and put somewhere cosy to nap, he's happy as Larry. My daughter screamed for her first 4 months. I used to give her straight to DH and go to the shop just for a break from it the second he got home.

KalaLaka · 19/04/2018 18:49

Things won't change a lot after your first child
I would disagree! Things won't change a lot after your second or third, maybe, but the massive lifestyle change is undeniable with the first. Especially sleep!

To pp saying that OP can also get a break: not necessarily. She may get a 1.5 hour window between feeds, during which she needs to wash, eat or sleep.

Ekphrasis · 19/04/2018 19:17

My Dh wouldn't do it he wouldn't dare but mainly as I'm likely to be having a c section at 41 weeks if I haven't had baby naturally (vbac). He had to take 3 weeks off when I had my emcs and then my mum came up for a few days as I didn't recover very well at all. So life was very restrictive for me for 3-4 weeks post birth, and as said no driving for 6 weeks (though I know a couple of mums who healed better.)

NerNerNerNerBATMAN · 19/04/2018 19:23

I wouldn't be happy about this, and we both lead active lives outside the home. The difference is that we discuss our plans with each other before confirming, taking into account the balance of time out of the home for each other and the needs of the family first.

I'd never dream of booking one weekend out of the family home without prior discussion with DH, never mind two consecutive ones! Works both ways too.