married, pregnant and ..lonely

[Viola82]

Hi ladies, first post on mumsnet so forgive me it’s in the wrong section. I’m 8th week pregnant with my first child. Both me and hubby very happy as we’ve been trying for a while. We’re together for over 6y now, married for 2, both have great jobs and beautiful house. I’d say we’re a normal loving couple, we have ups and down but we love each other very much. It took us a while to ‘align’ emotionally as I’m the emotional, outspoken European and he’s reserved Englishman. Now. I’m pregnant and feeling ..so lonely. My world turned when I found out I’m carrying life under my heart. My husband is happy, but his life didn’t changed at. He often forgets I’m pregnant asking if I’d like glass of wine, or suggests taking sleeping pill when I struggle at night.
He’s not really interested in tests, supplements, birth options ect. He doesn’t talk to the bump, is not more loving & caring. I feel so lonely. I can’t share any of my excitement/fears with my best friend who he used to be. When I try he just brushes this a side as ‘all will be ok’ and ‘this is the most natural thing’. I feel so disappointed in him and so lonely. Is this normal? Are your husbands better or I’m expecting too much? Or perhaps it’s another cultural differences?

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. My husband is generally very good and very sensitive to my feelings.Indeed sometimes it is me who forgets that I can't have a second coffee!

However, no matter how hard he tries he will never be able to experience it the same as I am and this has lead to some frustration on my part. I am the one giving up work for a year after the birth so I have had to think everything through. I am making real efforts to save money and make sure everything is prepared. He is trying but not as hard as me. For instance I haven't bought myself anything apart from pregnancy clothes since I found out I was pregnant. Last week he paid over £100 to go to a concert and another £200 to go on a boys weekend. This is money that could have gone to the baby fund and not on his leisure. I just wouldn't think either of these are necessary outings at the moment.

He also takes no interest in the birth etc and just says 'do what you like' or when I'm worried about something says 'It will all be OK'. Neither of these help me to make e decisions or acknowledge why I might be worried. Some of this is my fault as I have done too much and I should have MADE him take more responsibility but some of it is just him being a thoughtless idiot.

My advice would be accept that he won't experience this the same as you and then try to identify what behaviour you should rightly be pissed off at.

8 weeks?

So you’ve know for 3 maximum.

Relax.

Yeh at 8 weeks even I was forgetting I was pregnant! At 16 I still find it freaky. I agree thst early pregnancy can be quite isolating if you're not telling anyone but I found the best way was just to keep busy and throw myself into work etc! X

I think it took my husband a good few weeks to get used to the idea and excited- even though it was planned it all seemed a bit surreal. He’s always been very sensible rather than emotional and it’s only recently (29 weeks) that he’s got into researching, reading books, sorting out antenatal class etc.

Once you have your scans things might start to seem a bit more real for him? I’m sure he is excited! Could you book an early scan? Or go and have a look at baby things/ start making shopping lists together?

Do you have any family/ friends who you can talk about the pregnancy with? I didn’t do the whole 12 week rule thing- would have felt lonely too if I had!

Relax you’re 8 weeks, why would he be talking to the bump already? And birth options are way off. Have you even seen a midwife yet? It’s very real for you but currently it’s less real for him and this should change when you have your scan.

I mean this really, really kindly but I think you need to slow down a little. Lots of people take a while to adjust to being pregnant and that is with all the hormones etc. At 8 weeks you are very very early - talking to the bump (you can't even have a bump yet surely?) and things like that are a way off for most couples. I'm not saying that you are unreasonable to want that but he isn't being unreasonable not to do that. My husband is more reserved than i am, he doesn't google how big the baby is or anything but he cares for me very much and looks after me and I know he is excite din his won way. If he isn't caring about you then that is not good, but if he just isn't visibly excited or is forgetting you are pregnant from me to time i think hat's pretty normal. 40 weeks is a long old time - allow thing to develop a bit.

Oh bless you. I'm sure once your bump is showing he will show a lot more interest. He may even be feeling a little overwhelmed and not know what's expected of him. Both of you will gradually find your 'new' roles as prospective parents. Good luck.

There's no bump to talk to yet.

You can still have a glass of wine every now and then

Even the midwives won't ask you about your birthplan for another 16-20 weeks.

Relax, and enjoy the fact that you still fit into all your clothes!

My husband didn't really click with the whole idea until the first scan. In fact he said "that's a baby" in a surprised tone, the lady who did the scan turned and said yer what where you expecting?

It'll become real soon enough with scans bump and kicks. Just remember you're body is full of hormones that will make you feel all over the place too.

I think you hit the nail on the head really OP because nothing has changed for them yet and there is nothing physically going on for them it takes a lot longer for them to get involved and excited, my DH was exactly the same.
You are still in very early pregnancy and you just need to give him some time.
I found coming on here and joining the board for other women due the same month as me very helpful.

I think it is really difficult for them to understand. My OH is lovely but definitely struggles to quantify what is going to happen. We've had our 12 week scan, and I think he was pretty much expecting to see cells dividing rather than a baby(!) and I think that helped a bit.

It definitely seems to be a slower process for him emotionally, and nice to see from similar experiences that this is quite normal!

I’m sorry you’re feeling lonely OP. Pregnancy can be an emotional time. I was really worried as my DH didn’t seem to really “get it” at all when I was pregnant. He’s normally a massive planner but left it all to me, and certainly wasn’t about to talk to my bump. I had nausea throughout and weird food aversions and I think he thought I was being a bit of a drama queen at times.

But as soon as he met DD that was it, love at first sight, and suddenly he’s organising nappy subscriptions and having opinions on swaddling. He’s a really hands on dad, and parenting has brought us even closer together. Now I’m expecting #2 it’s completely different and he’s really excited about the scan tomorrow (in a stiff upper lipped Englishman kind of way).

I had several friends who were pg at the same time though and it was great to swap endless chats on how rough we were feeling, compare stretch marks etc. Do you have friends/family you can share your excitement with while your DH is getting his head around things? There’s lots of people on here in ante-natal clubs or if you prefer meeting people IRL can join classes etc locally - I enjoyed pregnancy yoga.

I think a lot of men are like that at first tbh.

Also talking to the baby is more a later term pregnancy thing.