Feeling a bit low

[Didntcomeheretofuckspiders]

As the title says, I’ve been feeling a bit flat and miserable recently. Last night in bed I started sobbing for no apparent reason and I’ve been having some negative intrusive thoughts. I’m 20 weeks pregnant and due to get married in the summer and I truly am happy and excited about these things but I feel like this background ‘meh’ feeling I have is taking the shine off of what should be a lovely time in my life. I was really unwell with hyperemesis to start with and I could rationalise why I felt miserable! Going from being really active, training for a marathon etc. to bed bound with nausea and vomiting, I could understand why I felt bad! I’ve improved a lot now so I am able to be a bit more active and keep myself busy but my mood doesn’t actually seem to be getting better. I have a history of anxiety and depression and I can recognise those thoughts and feelings in myself again and I’m giving myself a really hard time for not being more happy and excited. I don’t really know what to do with these feelings. I’m a midwife and I know that I would encourage women in my care to see the GP and would make referrals to support services and for things like counselling but in my area (I’m booked where I work but live in a different catchment area) the services seem to be really thin on the ground and I’m reluctant/embarrassed to talk to colleagues. I don’t want to take medication or anything, I just want to chat to someone and meet some other mums maybe? Most of my (non work) friends are nowhere near the having babies stage so I do feel quite lost. I’ve got as far as looking at the PANDAS website but can’t bring myself to request more information about my nearest support group because it feels like admitting I have a problem. I’m being ridiculous aren’t I?

Yes but completely understandably! HG totally fucks you over and drains all the life out of you until your a shallow husk of a human being bitter experience. Why on earth wouldn't you be depressed?

It's absolutely ok to have a problem and to do something about it. Part of the problem with depression though is that it sends you down all sorts of mental rabbit holes. It's really hard to acknowledge that you're unwell and that you need to seek help.

I think it can be a bit harder when your a health care professional yourself as you know how to navigate a very complex system, and also struggle to move from HCP to patient.

I should imagine that being a midwife and having HG/a bit of pre natal depression is quite the challenge

It's good that you live in a different area to your work as this can be a barrier itself on seeking help. Have you spoken to your GP? I was referred to my local IAPT service who have been great.