I've just found out in pregnant and I'm really overwhelmed

[E11ieB]

I found out I was pregnant on Monday and since then, I've experienced every emotion possible. I only took a test on the off chance because of how unwell id been feeling, i had a period as normal so didn't think I'd get a positive result, turns out I was wrong. Im between 6-8 weeks. Me and my partner have discussed children and have both agreed we'd want a child, but now the reality is here, I don't know if I'm ready. Is anyone ever really "ready?"
I'm absolutely terrified and I'm considering every option at the moment. I really don't know what to do.

The week before finding out I was pregnant, a member of my family had some devastating news - she cannot have children - we're really close and I feel incredibly guilty that I've fallen pregnant without trying and she's been trying for years to no success.
I'm struggling with the guilt I feel for falling pregnant, how can I ever tell her? How can I ever look her in the eyes and say "i didn't plan this, it just happened" I feel so selfish. She won't be able to handle the news and I don't want to risk losing her, but I don't know if I'm ready for how I'll feel if I was to terminate this pregnancy.

My emotions are completely all over the place, I don't know if I'm ready for a child, but I don't know if I'm ready for the other outcome..

Can anyone offer me a little guidance or advice or simply a conversation as I haven't spoken to anyone about this and I feel I need to.

Thank you

Hi hun hope you are ok it's still early and you do have options but do not rush into making a decision you may regret. Also I understand how heartbreaking it would be for your relative but you can't base your decision on that. Start taking folic acid if you haven't already and have a few weeks with your partner and see how you feel xx

Thank you so much for your reply.
Currently, no one around me knows as I'm still really struggling to come to terms with it. I know my partner will be thrilled, but at the moment I'm not and I don't want to ruin the moment for him with how I feel so have kept it to myself.
I know I shouldn't base any decision on my family member, I'm trying to push it aside but it's difficult. I feel like I'm about to lose a massive part of my life because I know they won't be able to deal with my news.
I feel as if I need a few days away from home and everyone around me for me to process the news and then make a rational decision. I just feel very selfish.

I don't think anyone ever feels completely ready to have children just to reassure you, I was trying for over 2 years having told I had a 10% chance and I was initially over the moon to find out I was pregnant ( miracle) , but even so I then felt v scared! now Im quite content and happy but its a big deal and emotionally you have to process it, don't feel bad about that.

On your family members news, as someone who was told they might never be able to have kids and who had friends get pregnant non stop throughout the last 2 years I have to say the worst thing you can do is distance yourself from the person who is struggling / can't have kids. I think my friends thought, we dont want to upset her so we'll stay at arms length. But that actually felt quite isolating and particularly with one of my best friends I love her little boy, and I enjoyed hanging out with him and playing with him despite my struggles. Yes it hurts when people are getting pregnant left right and centre and you think that might not ever happen for you but it also hurts being treated differently.

Definitely tell your family member but just do it gently, I was happy for all my friends, the only one I struggled with was the one who kept saying she was so excited because it's never guaranteed any of us can have kids and she thought she might struggle ( having no reason to believe so) but good news she didnt and boom she's pregnant!

Wait for a little for her own news to sink in and then tell her gently over a cup of tea that you're pregnant, Id leave out the " it just happened" part to be honest. You don't need to justify or make excuses for why or how you're pregnant it kinda makes it worse if Im honest. You're best off just telling her one on one gently, she'll know its hard for you too.

Hope this helps

You don't need to tell anyone aside from your partner until at least twelve weeks anyway, so don't stress about it yet. If you want the baby, just go for it. Your relative may find it hard but she will come round eventually. My aunt had a stillbirth a month before I was born but managed to maintain a relationship with my mum after distancing herself for a few months initially. There is no perfect way to tell your partner, just be honest with him. Trying to keep all your emotions bottled up so that they don't affect anyone else is not healthy.

It is early and you do have options, but you sound like you want to keep the pregnancy right now.

You really need to separate your family members awful news, from your feelings about what you want to do. Yes it will be hard for her, but there are many ways you can make it easier, for example texting her the news on a Friday evening so she's with her dp, not at work and has time to process it.

You need to think about what you want. What does your gut say? How's the sickness too? Morning sickness is awful.

Hi there, just popping in to drop offer a virtual hug

Depending on how close you are with your partner, I would really consider telling him and explaining how you're feeling. It might help you to see some other angles and perspectives and it might just be the support you desperately need right now.

I completely empathise regarding your relative. I have a very close friend who is unable to have children, and I do tread carefully around her in so much as I chose to break the news via email last time as I knew she needed time to cry and express her own feelings before talking to me. I also assured her that if she needed 'time off' that was totally ok and I would understand. I think the key is just giving them room to process the news and not trying to make them feel OK with it to make you feel better (though not for a moment saying you would.). She was utterly heartbroken, but also incredibly happy for me. She is now godmother to my first child. The guilt can be so intense, and she will likely be hurt, but it won't be personal to you or to your situation. Those are her feelings and she has a right to them, so while it's wonderful that you're thinking of her (and rightly so) try hard not to let that affect your own decision and thoughts about having a baby. She will feel pain whenever she sees a pregnant lady/baby, so you potentially avoiding her because of it won't shelter her from it.

Best of luck and I hope you get some processing time for yourself too xx

I could have written this post. My husband and I weren't trying either and although we had spoken about wanting children "one day" I never really knew when that may be. I wasn't happy at all when I found out I was pregnant, I was really overwhelmed and in denial I think for a while. I am now 18 weeks pregnant and part of me still doesn't believe it, but I am coming to terms with it (slowly) and am slowly getting more excited as time goes on. It's my belief that everything happens for a reason, and if you have a stable relationship, home, etc. then you're in a great position to have and raise a baby. :)

I am absolutely sure you won't lose your family member - her news is devastating but I'm sure she will be thrilled for you! I understand what you mean about feeling guilty when it just happened out of the blue for you when many other people spend years of their lives trying and failing to have children, but it's not your fault.

Also just to add, as you are obviously concerned about how your family member will feel/react, how do you think they would feel knowing that you were pregnant but decided to terminate - when they would give anything to carry that baby? Your decision shouldn't be based at all on this family member but it's another angle to look at it from. She would say you have been utterly blessed x

When I found out I was pregnant (planned) in January I was over joyed! Fast forward a two weeks later and I experienced every emotion from anxiety, panic, fear and terror. Even though it was planned I suddenly had fears about how I’d cope, would I be a good mother, would it have a negative effect on our marriage etc. I did at one point consider a termination but ultimately I couldn’t go down that road. I’m now 16 weeks and once my hormones had settled down I felt less panicked and more excited about it.
I don’t think there’s anything bad about how you’re feeling. I also had a friend who couldn’t conceive and had been through IVF so I felt so selfish questioning if I wanted the baby but it’s not about anyone else. This is about you and what you feel is right. Don’t beat yourself up more for the way you feel. Any thing you feel is ok and normal.

You’ll be ok. Just focus on what you want. Hormones play a huge part in how you’re feeling, give yourself time to process this big news x

Thank you so much to everyone that replied! Reading all your comments and words of advise certainly helped and I felt much less isolated and alone!
Over the weekend, I told my partner and although he's scared and nervous, he's overjoyed and can't wait to meet his child
As for myself, I feel like a weight has been lifted now he knows and I'm not hiding it anymore. I've been incredibly tearful but slowly, as each day passes, I'm feeling myself become excited. I have all the worries and concerns anyone would have and reading all your comments has made me realise it's completely normal and I am not a bad person.
As for my family member, I'm going to wait until the time is right and tell her, I will completely understand if her reaction isn't one I'd hope for, but she'll need time and I'm okay with that.
I feel as if I'm in a much better head space than what I was the other day and my initial panic has faded and I know that everything will be ok, I have to trust myself and my partner and let this part of our lives be all that we wanted it to!

That's great @E11ieB glad you're feeling better and youre other half was excited. You're worries are totally natural and it will get easier and hopefully you will find yourself getting a bit excited over time