I really want another baby but is it right?

[Messyhouse5]

I thought I was pregnant last month and at first I was shocked but then I became really excited. But I wasn't. Since then its all I have been thinking about. I have been feeling broody last year but was trying my best to ignore it.

I already have three gorgeous children, two in secondary and one in primary school. My partner said awhile back that three is enough and four is greedy and we need to just focus on them. I feel I do focus on them but I have more love in me for one more! It's almost like I know they are there just waiting for me (sound like I am mad now! ;) )

I am also 40, many of my friends started at 40 so I don't feel I am too old. I am in good health and fit. The thought of not having anymore fills me with such sadness.

I long to hold a baby and breastfeed again, I love being pregnant and all the stages. Having three I see how individual they are and that is what is so precious.

I also know I am so lucky to already have three and should be grateful... my husband recently made a few comments about another one but then quickly said it won't happen.

But we do not use contraception and instead use the rhythm method which has worked for us for 15 years and our children were all planned. I did say to him if he def does not want anymore he needs to get the snip. I told him there is a big X on the calendar so he is aware of my ovulation time. So can't blame me!

This month we have had sex but he withdrew before on my ovulation date so of course I know there is a chance I could be pregnant. But it seems its not as easy to fall pregnant without actively trying as you think...

I am hoping I am and if I am not then I am going to have to think about talking about it to him.

I know our families would be shocked as we got many negative comments with our third pregnancy. We both work and manage fine!

Am I being greedy? I tried getting dogs to put my broodiness at bay, we have two dogs now ;)

Will this broodiness ever go away?

I say this as someone who was happy to stop at two but was ecstatic with a surprise 3rd baby.
I think if I was in your position with three healthy ( hopefully happy) children then I wouldn't want to risk it.

DC 3 was born with serious complications a 6 month hospital stay, surgery, feeding issues, breathing issues lots of other health problems. Being a bit older with this one it knocked me out and now two years on even though things have calmed ( a bit ) down I feel sooooooo much older than I should.

At one point I felt like I was being punished for being a bit greedy and having a third ( not rational I know ) and with what the baby went through, it left me feeling very guilty.

Although I love my third dearly, I sometimes wish or think I should have been more careful and tried harder to stick to two, which is hard to admit but I will not lie to you and say it's been easy or worth it all, it's still sometimes balanced the opposite way.

I think you should consider what could go wrong and the impact it could have on you and your current family.

If you want to go ahead then I wish you the best.

I don't hear any strong reasons in your post not to - it sounds like a deep longing so why not discuss your feelings honestly with your husband and see what happens next?

He's a bit of a douche if he doesn't want any more children but won't use contraception.

There will be loads of posters who will tell you how they have 8 children between 40 and 50 full term, healthy and Mensa members from the cradle, BUT the fact is that maternal age is correlated with increased risk of some disabilities and/or birth complications. There is also some evidence that the chances of having a child with autism may be correlated to both maternal and paternal age.

Think about how you will cope if you have a child who has additional needs, because not all of them can be diagnosed antenatally. Do you have adequate support for that, flexibility in your jobs for hospital and/or doctor appointments, money to outsource some tasks to make life easier?

Of course there are no guarantees in life and our children can fall ill at any time, but being 40+ does come with additional increase in some risks.

We already have a child with autism and they are wonderful, luckily its not a disability for them. They are very high functioning so since diagnosis we have been more able to support them with their challenges.

But yes you are right there are risks that come with age and so they are very important reasons to consider.

Our rhythm method has worked really well and I am so regular I make a note when I am due and it nearly always happens so usually avoid a whole week either side so it has worked well, i think 15 years is pretty good going.

Its interesting just to hear from others and see what the majority think.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
x

I have a son with high-functioning autism. He is very much not wonderful a good amount of the time. It's a spectrum and very individual. We would not be able to cope with another child who had additional support needs so he, our third, was our last and we decided to quit whilst we were ahead and DH had a vasectomy.

I understand and it sounds like you did what was right for you.

Our rhythm method has worked really well and I am so regular

At 40+ it's likely to become less reliable, because as you move towards perimenopause your cycle will very likely start to become more irregular.

I don't think it's a great idea to continue relying on a method which is known not to work well as you get older when you want another baby but your husband doesn't. Too much opportunity for a genuine "oops" that your husband doesn't believe. I hope the two of you can get on the same page one way or the other though.

Do you want a child? Babies are babies for the blink of an eye. If you can’t honestly say you want the lifetime that follows I would say no. Sometimes I’m a bit wistful about a 3rd baby but know deep down I couldn’t handle 3 children 😄

Of course I would love another little person not just a baby to join our family, as I said I love all the stages and how different they all are.

I think if we decide not to then my partner should get the snip because like you said I am heading towards or maybe less fertile now and my periods will not be so predictable, at present they are 29 days and have been since my late teens. But I don't think I ovulate every month any more like I use to.

From the few people who have posted here I am reading you mainly don't think its a good idea. This is a small slice of what most people think.

To be honest most people who know me are surprised I did not have a 4th sooner.

But there have been a big gap now...

Ah I don't know. I wish this broodiness would stop.

I brought the snip conversation up last night and he didn't seem too eager so feeling he maybe feeling a little like me.

Just wish days would hurry so I know.

It's absolutely your choice - if you have that longing then it could be the right thing for you! There is a lot of negativity here on age and contraception but ultimately that's not really relevant and it's down to how much you want another one - you sound like you'd be going into it with open eyes and ready to provide a great home :)

I have 4 children and dh was booked in for a vasectomy last week but we postponed as I wasn’t 100% about it (despite being all for it for the past 6-12 months).
This has got me thinking about having a 5th baby - but I worry I’m being greedy. We are very blessed with 4 healthy children (1 suspected ASD), surely we can’t be as lucky a 5th time.

Thank you Ashleaka :)

They would come into a home filled with love I know that for sure...

I've had a really hard weekend, experienced seeing lots of lovely babies and a couple of babies not being treated so kindly... one was a young teenager looking after a small baby screaming crying in the pram and just ignoring the baby while he was playing a game. I tried to start a conversation and commented on how upset the baby was, and he just huffed. The baby was literally screaming and I felt sick and was just about to say something else when the mother came and pushed the pram without even looking in. It broke my heart. I never would ignore a baby crying like that, poor little thing!

I can feel my period brewing and my mood getting lower... i feel so down about it and feel I can't bring it up.

Ethellsmum, I'm one of five and loved it!