constantly filled with fear and anxiety over parenthood.

[user1474981691]

I am expecting my first child and experiencing completely debilitating fear and panic. I have Aspergers but lead a normal life through doing things I can cope with, i.e. 'lone hobbies', peace and quiet, solitary couples holidays. I find noise, big groups and company really quite stressful.

I'm now so worried that I've made a huge mistake and will regret having children. I thought about it long and hard and decided I could be a good mother but the closer it gets the more I realise how little time I will have to myself. I'm sure I will manage 'one on one' but as my child gets older it will have friends and play dates and I don't want to stop him or her having this company.

All of my friends / family / colleagues are being really supportive by putting me in touch with other local mums. However, they don't understand that the thought of meeting new people fills me with fear. I don't want to join 'parenting' groups or meet regularly for coffee mornings as I find it painfully difficult. Even the thought of doing NCT brings me close to tears as I want to just spend time with my partner and child and not feel compelled to be sociable.

Does anyone else have these issues or fears, and how do you manage them without appearing to be the rude 'outsider'? Its not that I don't like to spend time with people, I would love to make good friends with local mums, I just can't manage groups of more than 3 or 4 without it being exceptionally difficult.

Hi OP. I am expecting my first, and whilst I don't suffer from aspergers, I can absolutely sympathise. My sister has aspergers and had many of the same fears that you had. She was very excited to be a mum, but terrified of school runs, going to nurseries, the loud noises that come with a baby (I shan't continue - sure you get it!). When baby arrived, she took it in her stride. There were times she had to phone me because she was overwhelmed and I've had to drive round to see her and offer her a bit of support, but for the most part, she's doing great. She has a couple of mum friends (she's extremely picky about the company she keeps but these two are enough for her) and they seem to have a close relationship. She met them at the nursery on an introductory day. She has a very supportive partner and they work through it all together.

I know it's easy for me to say, but you won't have this baby and then suddenly be expected to be meeting people, going to hundreds of classes, socialising with mum friends. It all happens gradually and really quite organically. I have a feeling, if you are anything like my sister - that it will all happen as it is supposed to, and you will work it out as you go along.

All the best OP

Dear ArabellaBlue,

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond, and for being so encouraging. I'm sure you are right, it is all just very daunting at the moment. I'm determined not to let my anxiety negatively affect my child, but at the same time I need to make sure I don't lose sight of who I am, nor push myself beyond my limitations. As we know, millions of women manage motherhood!

Best wishes, x

I’ve managed so far with zero input from NCT, baby or toddler groups, coffee mornings or anything of that ilk. They’re for parents not babies anyway and frankly I’d rather look at the walls than make chit chat with people I dont know. You can be as social or antisocial as suits - I’m at the antisocial end. Babies dont need anything but parental love and attention.

Ds goes to nursery (I work) and enjoys it. He’s a sociable little soul so there will I’m sure be play dates in the future. I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.

Two key things you will need to address. Firstly the anxiety - that just gets worse with no sleep so get some help for it NOW before the baby arrives. Secondly the hardest thing for me about parenting apart from the sleep deprivation was the lack of time alone. People kept offering to do stuff which was well meant but I didn’t want to go out to baby group or any of that shit, or have a ‘night out with the girls’ - I wanted to be alone. So work that out with your partner - he should be giving you a block of a few hours a few times a week so you can do something to restore yourself.

It is Ok, and it can work. Self care is key, baby groups are optional.

Thank you anatidae, this made me smile!

You are right of course. He or she will be at nursery as I’ll need to go back to work which will be great for their socialising.

X