Unhelpful newspaper articles slagging off older mums

[coastalchick]

In the last few days I’ve had several articles pop up on my FB newsfeed criticising women close to/over 40 for having children.

Is anyone else sick of this? It’s oftentimes not a bloody choice - certainly wasn’t for me - I’d been engaged and due to be married at 30 but my then fiancé ran off with someone else and it took me 6 years to meet someone else. I’m now 39 and due with my first but according to the media, I’m selfish for having a baby this late. Sod the fact this baby is wanted more than anything else, my now fiancé will be the most amazing dad, we have a lovely home, stable careers. If I’d had kids with the other one I reckon he’d have been a crap father and would’ve left!

Society seems to expect us to have met the perfect life partner, have strong careers and our own home, all in time togave kids before 30. It’s not realistic. But what boils my blood the most is that the articles are aimed at women - it does take two to make a bloody baby!!!

Totally agree with you! It’s usually the likes of the daily mail. You NEVER hear that men are delaying having kids, not allowing their dp to have kids, or that it might take a while to find a decent man to have kids with! It’s always the selfish career driven women.

I've seen an article about the difficulties of getting pregnant narurally over 35 and how older celebrities propagate the myth of falling pregnant by just looking at a penis.
Nothing slagging off older mothers.
Links to articles?

Don’t know how to post links - poo with technology.

I follow Eva Longoria who I think is around 42. She posted a pic of her bump yesterday and some people were calling her selfish for having a kid at her age. I think bloody good on her!

There was a segment on The Wright Stuff discussing this the other day. They used the term ‘selfish’ as part of their discussion title and while Janet Ellis tried to steer it to the ‘there can be difficulties getting pregnant as an older woman’ point the focus was definitely selfishness.
I don’t see any reason why it is selfish and yes, it bothers me that men aren’t judged the same way.
Having said that, had my DCs at 33 and 35 and never felt judged (maybe that’s because I was being judged for my weight instead...)

They forget that during the war many women didn't marry, got on with the war effort, men were away etc and so babies were delayed. Both my grandparents were around 39/40 when they had their firsts due to the war, and early 40s when they had their second.

As far as I've seen among friends fertility issues and mc can hit you at any age; I most friends started in their last 30s. And for economic reasons eg focussing on trying to afford a house etc.

It really annoys me that it's the women's fault. Dh is in a profession that takes many years to qualify in and then quite a few more to be able to earn anything near a decent wage. All his peers from uni have had children late, over 35 and into 40's.

Given dna of sperm and so fertility also starts to be less reliable with age, and 50% contributes to any anomalies and can absolutely affect mc rates (moderate drinking by men the week before ivf has been shown to increase failure rates and mc), it's intriguing it's the women who get the flack...

It was reading it 'starts with the egg 'that helped me really realise this baby making thing really is a joint effort and yet women carry all the guilt and responsibility.

Is it selfish to have not found mr right? Is it selfish to have decided to build up a decent home and career? Doesn't seem to be for the men...

I must say living in an area where most parents were over 35 when they started out, I don't feel judged.

Infact my sister found it hard being pregnant at 23 when all the other mums were 35-40.

I do find there is more of a stigma about this in GB than in most of Europe where it is very normal to be having your first child in your mid to late 30's

Yeah I agree with all of that. I def don’t feel judged by my peers, it was just id noticed (perhaps because I’m now due to be an older mother) these articles.

I personally think the most important thing is 2 loving parents, whatever the age.

I agree that fertility probs can hit at any age. I also agree that statistically over 35 is more of a problem (and the age of the man contributes) but there are also plenty of older women having healthy pregnancies.

I had a MMC last August at almost 10 weeks - may have been down to a bad egg or sperm (OH is only 34) who knows. But this time round we’ve had Iona done and I’m the lowest possible risk for all trisomies - at 39. So age isn’t always determative

I agree it’s annoying and illogical to accuse older mothers of selfishness.
However, I think it’s important to warn young women that it’s actually very difficult to conceive after 40, and there is an increased risk of miscarriage or abnormalities.
It’s very sad to see women delay childbearing (often for sensible reasons) and then find they’ve missed the boat and never manage to have a child.
Unrealistic expectations are often raised by celebrities apparently getting pregnant late in life, but these are often the result of egg donation, and not the woman’s own genetic child - so really just adoption, albeit prenatal.
I think we should be campaigning for better childcare, more flexibility in the workplace, acceptance by employers that staff need to have children, and awareness by both men and women that there is a biological time limit. Women shouldn’t have to choose between career development and fertility.

I had my first at 21 and my second at 41. Without a doubt my second child has a better, calmer and more child centred childhood than my first. I think I was much more selfish at 21, although I didn't see it at the time. I did my best but it's fair to say it's a much better experience for parents and child at 41 than 21.

Yes I agree with that - focus does need to be on the fact it’s more difficult etc because that, statistically, is true. It’s the blanket criticising which is not acceptable

I agree with which area you live in it can greatly differ.
At my DC’s last school loads of the parents had their kids late teens/early twenties but where I live now in a much more middle class area, there’s lots more older parents.
I had my first at 25 and she’s 12 but most of her friend’s parents round here are 50 or not far from it.
IVF is much more widely discussed now among people I know than a few years ago and people openly admit to having it.

As a woman having children you're going to have to blinker yourself to the media. The media portrays us as faultless angels or evil sluts. No in between I'm afraid, whatever choices you make.

Selfish why? I had my youngest at 40. No issues taking care of him and if I live out my expected natural lifespan he should be over 40 himself when I die. Possibly more as many people in my family have lived well into their 90s. This seems to me a view from times past, when life expectancy was lower... 40 is the new 30 they say, 😉and having young children is making me want to take better care of myself.
Nobody should judge other mums, least of all based on age, life is hard enough without tearing each other down. X

I'm 50 with a 5 year old so I feel qualified to comment on being an older mother and from my perspective it's far from ideal. Putting aside the issues of getting pregnant, which remarkable I didn't have, it's the fact that as you age things get more difficult and I'm worried about never seeing her reach adulthood, get married or have children if she chooses to do so. I'm now menopausal so the idea of being a calmer older mum is well gone, my fluctuating hormones have seen to that. I love all my children dearly but wish that my 'surprise' baby had been a surprise in my thirties not forties.

Just block or ignore.
Men don't get criticised as much but it's definitely better to have a child with a younger man. Old sperm is not as good.
I think in the real world nobody cares whether you are 25 or 45.
It's just the media yet again.

Health for me is the main concern I have a friends with older parents who had to become carers in there teens and early twenties for there parents. My dad was 41 when he had me and I didn’t feel any different to anybody else but now he’s older and I do worry about him

I don't agree with criticising women for having kids at or close to 40 at all, my grandparents had my mum at 40, my mum had my sister at 39 and another rele had her first child at 46 a few years ago! Not sure why my grandparents had my mum so late my aunty is 10 years older, my sister was a happy accident and my rele struggled with infertility for 20 years! I don't always think women have babies later on by choice sometimes it just happens that way.

What I do agree with though is being realistic as a few others have pointed out, it is statistically harder to get pregnant over 40 and the chances of abnormalities and complications increases. I think it'd be silly to try and promote having kids at this age. My mum admits it was much more difficult physically being pregnant at nearly 40 than in her 20s, she had a terrible birth which my sister very nearly died during, she attributes part of that to her age. While I don't think it's selfish, I think you have to realise 40 isn't the optimum age biologically to have kids.

Yes, I’ve noticed these articles. Surprisingly they have appeared in the guardian as well as the women hating daily mail.

There are so many things that annoy me about these articles. First of all the inaccurate statistics. A 35-39 year old woman is 90% as likely to get pregnant within 12 months of trying as a younger women. This is a smaller chance but it is hardly the cliff edge that is made out. Plus the risk of downs is 1 in 100. Whilst this much higher than younger women, there is a 99% chance your baby won’t have downs. So whilst stupid not to acknowledge that fertility dies decline and risks increase we need to actually look and interrogate the numbers as these reveal a much more balanced picture.

Second of all, these articles don’t recognise the reasons women (and men) might delay. I live in London and the cost of living is so prohibitive that I can only just afford my first kid at 36. This isn’t because I have been throwing my money away on luxury holidays and brunch but because I need to spend so much on housing and when the child is born will need to pay the same amount again on childcare. I have ‘done all the right things’ I have tried degrees, I’m in a senior position at work as is my husband but we at only just scraping by. We are fortunate to have our own place but it is small and we will grow out of it very quickly when the baby comes.

For other women, some might not meet the right person until later. Some may split from a partner in their late 20s. Some may have partners who want to delay parenting themselves (but we obviously can’t blame men for any of this). Some may also have fertility issues and take years to get pregnant only to succeed in their mid 30s. Fertility issues can happen at any age. They are exacerbated by age as you don’t have as long to try.

The saddest thing about these articles for me is that they are written by women. We need to support each other not judge and throw allegations around. Old or young a mother is a mother and we should respect and support each others choices around parenthood, births, babies etc. The sisterhood needs to come together not fracture apart.

To be fair younger women get slated for having children too.

The abundance of those articles were the reason DH and I had a baby at 29! I was honestly terrified of the thought of TTC after 35 as it seemed impossible without IVF if you took those articles seriously. Reality is we absolutely could have waited! I'm one of the youngest mums in my friend group and at baby classes in my area, most are 35 and over (mainly professionals). Fertility issues appear to happen at any age, scaremongering articles surely don't benefit society.

I love being a mum and wouldn't change things for the world. But I don't think scaremongering articles about the dangers of being an older mother are useful. We were lucky in that we had a good set up for having a baby, but there really wasn't the fertility rush I had thought.

Oh it's ridiculous isn't it. How on earth is having a baby at 40+ selfish!?!? How on earth!?

The only thing I can think of is the child will be dependent on you for, let's say, 25 years. So you'll be 65 when the child is all grown up. How is that selfish?? I just don't understand!?

Are they trying to say that your health deteriorates as you get older so might die before the child has become dependent? A lovely young, 20 year-old mum might get hit by a bus. Selfish indeed!!

I'm bloody furious.

Sorry for the rant.

I just ignore. Dh and I have been together since we were 22, I'm currently pregnant at 40 although not with my first. No fertility issues just personal choice. We have a big house by the sea, average 3 holidays a year plus multiple weekends up to PiL's holiday cottage and plenty of disposable income for activities, treats and extras.

My maternal Grandmother had her last at 41 (her first at 21) and she's still here spending time with him 55 years later. Her MiL had her last at 46, her sister had her last at 44 and one of her daughter in laws had one at 42.

My paternal Grandmother has just lost her son (my DF) who she had at 22 and she's absolutely devastated.

@sirlee66 as someone with older parents health does deteriorate my dad is 71 and slowly going blind from glaucoma I’m 30 and pregnant with my first child I worry my dad won’t be able to see his grandchild. So it does cause extra stress on the child not always but when my dad was 60 he was is the best health. I wouldn’t change my dad for the world he is young at heart but I wish he was 10 years younger. I’m sorry if this upsets people but it’s the truth