Emetophobia/severe anxiety and having a child... Is it possible?

[StathamsSopranino]

Hello!

I feel a bit of a fraud posting on this board as I’m not actually pregnant... but I figured you guys were probably best placed to help me out on this one and am hoping maybe some of you have been in a similar position?! I probably won’t articulate it very well but I’ll do my best... sorry in advance if it’s a bit long! I’ve put off writing this post for ages so it’ll probably just spill out. [embarrassed]

To cut a very long story short, I suffer with very severe anxiety/panic attacks and emetophobia. I take diazepam as and when needed, and have tried CBT and other therapies over the years with little to no success.

I’m now 32 and married. In the last year my sister and a couple of close friends have all had children and it’s really starting to affect me and made me realise that, if it were possible, I’d like to have a baby of my own. But because of my debilitating mental struggles I have literally no idea how I’d be able to cope and get through the pregnancy - not to mention all the stomach bugs etc that come with having a child. Until people close to me started having babies I’d just (reasonably happily) assumed that I’d never have children and had never even properly entertained the idea as it just seemed so completely impossible and unattainable for me. But now, I’m not so sure...

So, some questions... Is there anyone out there with my issues who’s done it?! Is there anything that stops the nausea during pregnancy? I know you can take antiemetics to stop being physically sick but does that get rid of the nausea too? Is diazepam safe to take during pregnancy? Would I be able to have an elective c section? If your child gets sick, do you usually end up getting it too? How often do children get stomach bugs?

I honestly just have no idea how I’d cope but then it seems so unfair that it’s just me and my own mental state that’s stopping me (assuming there’s no medical factors - I have got suspected PCOS and I definitely don’t take it for granted that I’d just be able to have a baby even if I made the decision to try). But how do I get past that mental barrier? Or is it a case of, as I think you’ll probably say, ‘if you want one enough then you will’? I do worry that I’ll massively regret it later on if I never at least try to have a child of my own... I have no idea what to do and just want to try and arm myself with as many facts as possible I guess to try and help me make an informed decision. I’m just going round in circles at the moment!

If there’s anyone out there with severe emetophobia and/or anxiety who’s pregnant or has already had a baby, I’d love to know how you’ve found things so far and how you were able to actually make that decision to try for a baby and knew it was the right thing for you to do?

Thanks in advance!

Yes, me.

Your post resonated with me as it was how I felt before I was pregnant. I'd lived like it for 20+ years. Some days were so dark that I don't like to think of them.

Personally, I was ok with morning sickness as my phobia is related to bugs/contagious illnesses. I'm lucky enough to be able to work from home, so my Dr signed me off to work from home for the worst three weeks. This made a huge difference to me knowing that I didn't have to be in work. I think they appreciated that I was trying as well.

I did find it difficult to bond with the baby when I was pregnant, but I was fine when the baby was here. I was fine with baby sick as it's just milk. He's had one bug since and I was ok with it, honestly because I had no choice. DH helped me and we got on with it.

The biggest thing I had to think about was that I was not going to let this phobia control my life anymore. Children were always in my and DH's life plan.

I had to have an ELCS for medical reasons, but I was really relieved that o knew I wouldn't have to go into labour. They said that if I went into labour naturally then they would do an EMCS. In your position I would definitely recommend ELCS. It was brilliant. I did feel a little shakey after the operation, but I told them and they did something and it fixed it.

Good luck, I hope it works out for you

I have emetophobia and have just been through pregnancy, my daughter is currently 5 weeks old.

I was lucky to only have minor nausea for a few weeks in the first trimester. I was worried but it never developed and as long as I ate frequently I was ok.

I was concerned about labour and the pain making me sick, but tbh I have so rarely been ill I did think it was unlikely I would be ill. My midwife said they could give anti-emetics if necessary, it was going to be the main point of my birth plan, but I never got to write it as she was 3 weeks early! I didn’t need anything in the end, but avoided diamorphine as that can make you ill (however they give an antiemetic as routine with it) and delivered the placenta naturally (without hormone injection).

Baby sick is fine, it’s just milk and really doesn’t phase my daughter. I am definitely more distraught when she brings up a lot (and it often comes out her nose 😱) but as I can’t catch anything from it and it doesn’t smell like sick, that’s fine.

As for stomach bugs, I’ll cross that bridge later on, and although I’m dreading it, there is part of me that hopes exposure will help my phobia to some extent.

I recommend discussing your concerns with your GP. If you’re trying to get pregnant you’d need to know what drugs you can and can’t take (as you could be pregnant for a few weeks before you know), and they’ll be able to discuss methods for coping with morning sickness etc. Wishing you all the best.

I have 2 dc’s, was really worried about morning sickness, I was only sick once with dd2 and I didn’t have time to get anxious (was really sudden and then I was fine after a few minutes), I got through birth and using gas and air without being sick. Pregnancy was the easy bit.

I have struggled when the dc’s have had bugs, all kids are going to get them, it’s not something you can avoid. My gp is great and does give me anti sickness meds if I need them. I have probably picked up 3 bugs over the past 14 years. My dc’s tend to pick something up once a year but it’s gtting easier now they are older and they get ill less often. I am a single mum so when they are ill I have no choice but to deal with it (even though I shake and cry whilst doing it).

The phobia no longer takes over my life (for a while it did) and I no longer think about it everyday.

I'm emetophobic and have an 8 year old.
I had no morning sickness or sickness in labour thankfully.
He's had a few sick bugs but I haven't caught any! I've managed to deal with him being sick fine. I think when it's your child it's different

Wow, thank you SO so much to all of you for replying. You’ve given me so much food for thought... and to hear from people who are in my situation who have actually managed to do this is so encouraging. It makes me believe that maybe I could actually do it myself! And it’s really nice to hear that for some of you it’s actually helped you in some ways in overcoming the emetophobia. And I couldn’t agree more - I am so done with letting it take over my life and rob me of so many things.

I think I could maybe battle through the ‘morning’ sickness as long as it wasn’t an ‘all day, every day’ thing for weeks/months on end, which I know is a distinct possibility. But I’m also very much more concerned about contagious bugs and catching things. So maybe psychologically knowing it’s not a bug and is just a temporary thing that will lead to something good eventually would help me. Unless it turned into hyperemesis!!! God knows what I’d do if that happened.

I think my real battle would definitely come when I’m dealing with a sick child who will naturally want me to look him/her and I’ll just be desperate to get out of there and leave my husband to it. But I know I can’t do that so that’s something I really need to think about and how I’d handle it when the time came. I also agree with what some of you have sad - I’m actually ok with baby sick too. My 6 month old niece has thrown up on me a couple of times and whilst it’s not exactly pleasant, I haven’t freaked out and I’ve been ok with it. Again, I think because I know it’s not contagious...

Thanks again for all the replies so far, you’ve really helped me and given me some hope that I could do this!

I got to a stage in the first trimester where I didn't actually mind being sick because it happened quickly and stopped the nausea for a bit! Didn't have hyperemesis though. How good is your immune system generally? I've taught primary school for years and as yet not contracted a vomiting bug, but I know colleagues who get taken down a couple of times a year, so I think some of it must be too so with your immune system. In addition to hand and food hygiene, of course.

Drugs don't necessarily stop vomiting in pregnancy. I was physically sick up to 30 times a day when pg with ds1. Nothing worked and I spent most of the pregnancy on an overnight iv.

The thing I would look to get help with would be the panic attacks and anxiety. Are these linked to emetophobia? My dcs are 8&6 and I have possible anxiety which is getting worse as I get older (linked to work stress I think, I find myself struggling sometimes). I make sure I exercise a lot tokeep on top of my mental health andget enough sleep but I don’t always have the time or energy.

Yep me! Slight nausea during first trimester but more like the feeling you get when you've been in the car too long. Sea bands and not getting too hungry helped a lot. Son is now 10 months old and although he's only brought up milk it's been ok! I actually feel a little better about it. Lots of help available and it's fast tracked if you are pregnant/post natal for a year after.

I could have written this post two years ago.

I have had emetephobia my entire life - from the age of around 7/8. It was so bad at one stage I considered suicide as I never went out of the house and couldn't work. CBT helped with that and slowly I reinserted myself back into life but always avoided anything or anyone who said they felt unwell.

I fell pregnant and now have a lovely 18 month old DS. I felt nauseous during pregnancy but was never sick - and because I knew the nausea was pregnancy related I was okay with it.

My fear is lack of control - when it'll happen, why it'll happen. Unfortunately having children means you just cannot control that and I am learning this the hard way. The first year was fine as others have said, baby sick is entirely different to sick sick and I had absolutely no problems with it (my son brought up milk a lot). I had an elective c section for medical reasons, and my recovery was fine with no sickness.

The real test has been in the past six months. I needed to go back to work so my son is in nursery 3 times a week. I always said I'd never do the nursery thing because of the propensity to bugs and illnesses. And yes, he's had several illnesses including two stomach bugs. One time I was all alone in the house and had no choice but to get on with it - weirdly I went into mother mode and it didn't phase me, I just wanted him to be okay. The second time I panicked and although I sat with him covered in sick (both him and me) I dealt with it fine, it was the after effects of not knowing when/if it was going to happen again.

I really struggle with not being able to control it. My emetephobia is routed in OCD and intrusive thoughts and I've spent the past two weeks (he was sick 3 weeks ago) literally looking for every sign. I've been so anxious I've physically made myself sick. I find when I drop him off at nursery I'm always looking for the sicky child and ask too many questions about how the other babies are. But I have to work, and I think that should be a big consideration for you - will you be a SAHM or working? If working, are you going down the nursery route? If so, they will be more likely to catch bugs than if you were at home or your child is staying with a family member.

However, eventually they all go to school - and they'll pick bugs there too. I just have to keep saying to myself that nothing bad will happen, if I catch it it will go. It's easier said than done. Is your DH supportive? Is there any therapies you've not had you could explore? I am looking to do hypnotherapy soon as I can see the impact it's having on everyone and I'm so conscious of not bringing my child up to have the same issues I have.

Basically though - I totally get it. I'd never want without my son, but having him has totally reignited my phobia I thought was relatively dormant.

I can’t tell you how comforting it is to read all your replies - although I’m sorry that you’ve also been affected by this stupid phobia.

To answer a few questions (sorry if I miss any!): I’ve had emet my whole life and my anxiety was always very specifically related to that. But then 6 years ago I started to have more generalised anxiety about, well, pretty much everything. I also have a fear of fainting and that’s another thing that worries me as I know it can be common to faint/feel faint when pregnant. At the moment I don’t work because of my mental health... I have been in work on and off for the last 6 years but last September I had a big relapse and I’m just now feeling able again and have started applying for part time jobs. If I were to have a child I’m 90% sure I’d want to be a SAHM if it were possible.

My husband is bloody amazing and couldn’t be more supportive. I’m very lucky there! When I try to push him on the issue of whether he wants a child he always says he doesn’t mind either way... but I’m pretty sure he says that because he doesn’t want to put any pressure on me. Since our niece was born I think he’s definitely changed a bit and he absolutely loves her - he’ll makes the odd comment like ‘when are we going to make one of those?’. Then later he backtracks and says he was only joking. If I turned round tomorrow and said I think we should try for a baby, I have no doubt he’d be fully on board with it!

My immune system is pretty damn good! I’ve had maybe 2 stomach bugs in my lifetime... the last one over 10 years ago. But I do a lot of things that most people would consider ‘not normal behaviour’ to try and ensure that’s the case. It’s pretty exhausting! I have actually tried hypnotherapy twice already - although that was for the more generalised anxiety rather than specifically emetophobia. I didn’t find it overly helpful, but I know of others who it’s worked miracles for so definitely worth a try! You have to go in with a completely open mind and be open to the idea of it actually working. I think I was too cynical and didn’t give it a fair chance to be honest! Other than that I’ve tried various medications, CBT several times, counselling and all kinds of self help books and meditation type things. I’ve also been suicidal and have agrophobic tendencies... I was really bad a few years ago and went around 6 months without leaving my village but I’m now able to get myself out and about a bit more - but I’m still pretty limited with where I’ll go and what I’ll do. I have a definite ‘safety zone’ of around an hour from home that I don’t like to leave. I worry about bringing a child into all this... I’d hate for them to pick up on my anxieties and end up with their own issues as a result, which I think would be a distinct possibility.

Lack of control is exactly right! That’s the worst thing. I know I can control what I (and to an extent, my poor husband) do to avoid catching bugs etc, but you really cant control what a child does - especially in environments that are filled with germs and other sick kids. That’s what scares me the most!

When I’m feeling ok, I think ‘yeah I reckon I could do this’, but then the instant I feel sick in any way I think ‘nope, no way I could handle it!’ and panic massively. I can’t imagine having to deal with that nauseous feeling for so long whilst attempting to carry on living - if I feel remotely sick the world stops completely until I feel better.

I can so easily relate to pretty much everything all of you have said... and yet, you’ve all done it despite having these thoughts! So maybe I can too. I can’t tell you how much I admire you all for managing to overcome those demons and ‘feel the fear and do it anyway’.

You sound just like me OP My phobia and ensuing anxiety/OCD left me unable to work for a lot of my 20's so I totally get it.

I'd say if you are feeling unsure at the moment, don't do it. Maybe set yourself a goal of six months of regularly being inside your safe zone and without a relapse and consider again. When I had my DS I'd gone many many years without it being a huge issue (mainly through avoidance, but still was a while for me) so I definitely felt ready. In some ways the fact you have this level of awareness is a good thing as you know what it is you are dealing with - I was very naive and didn't think it would come back so was doubly shocked when it did.

I'd also have a chat with your GP and/or mental health team (if you still liaise with them) as they will be able to offer you perinatal mental health support which will be invaluable as pregnancy and childbirth can be a very anxious time. Don't worry about being on SSRIs during pregnancy - don't do what I did and be scared into coming off them as I had a huge relapse midway through pregnancy and then found out I could have taken them all along.

Honestly though - for things like phobias and anxiety - I don't know if there is ever a right time. I was certain I'd never have children because of my mental health and now I have and he's amazing.

Are there any other questions that burn in your mind? I'll try and answer any I can x

Thank you so much! Although you might regret saying that...

I think you’re absolutely right! Now is definitely not the right time, I do need to be a lot more stable for a decent amount of time before I can seriously consider it. But if I’m able to get myself back on track and feel reasonably ‘ok’ I think it could be doable. Reading these responses has been so helpful and has made me feel much more confident about it all!

I’ll definitely have a chat with my GP too I think and see what my options are with everything, just so I know exactly what I’d be getting in to. And perinatal mental health support is something I hadn’t even thought about so thank you for making me aware that this is a thing! I’d definitely want/need to get myself some of that...

I can’t tell you how helpful you’ve been!

I'm emetophobic and on my second pregnancy with hyperemesis gravidarum. It hit me like a train the first time around, and the pregnancy, I won't lie, was very difficult for me. I eventually found some medication (ondansetron) that worked for me and that allowed me to be a bit more normal. It tested me to the very limit of my capabilities but I got through and DS arrived safely. The sickness disappeared within 24 hours of delivery.

I promised myself I would never go through it again but got incredibly broody last year and decided that ultimately it was worth going through all over again! I did get HG again but I have more knowledge of what works for it and what doesn't. I have good days and bad days. And I won't sugarcoat it, it's hard. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. When DD arrives in 10 weeks I am having a mirena fitted!

In terms of bugs/germs. DS has had a couple (he's 3 now) but I find dealing with his, er, emissions, much easier than my own. I caught one bug off him a couple of years ago and tbh was just glad it ended after two days - HG has made me very grateful for every nausea-free day in my life.

I don't want to put you off, but I don't want to lie to you either. Chances are you won't get as sick as I did, chances are your first trimester will be testing but then symptoms will ease off. But if they don't, if the worst comes to the absolute worst, you can still do it, and you'll be stronger for it.

Wow! You’re my hero... I can’t even imagine how hard it’s been (and still is!) for you! Thank you for your honesty though, it’s really nice to hear from someone who is essentially living my worst conceivable nightmare - and who decided to go through it a second time knowing what it might be like. I guess I should take some comfort from it really... it’s clearly manageable, albeit horrendously unpleasant, even at its most extreme. I hope you don’t suffer too awfully and that you’re coping as well as you can this time around! You’re absolutely amazing!

Please don’t be put off by stories of morning sickness, it’s actually quite rare for a emetphobe to be sick and as I said before, I got through 2 pregnancies and was only sick once. I did feel quite sick for the first 2 months with dd2,my gp gave me medication which helped. Despite picking up a few bugs from my dd’s Most of the time I wasn’t sick with it (just the other end), probably the worst time was when they started nursery and school as they brought home every bug going. I can cope with dealing with my dc’s when they are ill but I get anxious about getting ill myself, I often won’t eat for days as I’m worried about throwing up if I catch their bug. It gets easier as they get older, they get ill less and they make it o the toilet.

Really pregnancy was the easiest bit for me, age 2-6 was the hardest, I have even been known to keep my kids home when there’s a bug going around (when they were at primary school) in hope they would not catch it.

I think you're being hugely sensible about the whole thing and I applaud you for being brave in recognising it. You sound very self aware and really smart and I wish you all the very best.

I hope you didn't think I was saying you weren't ready in my post, just that it's okay not to be ready - even when I was about to deliver my DS I wasn't sure I was ready ready hopefully your GP will be able to offer you some practical advice going forwards. It might be worth seeing if you can have a chat with a midwife pre pregnancy to see it she or he can offer some immediate coping strategies that you can look toward before you get pregnant. I think with support from your DH, family and friends and MH team you'll be absolutely fine. But it's also okay not to be fine - I have learnt this the hard way because I put too much pressure on myself to be 'perfect'.

You may find yourself more triggered as a Mum and maybe it would be worth making a note of the things you feel would trigger you and how likely they are to happen (in your mind) to regain control. The triggers will change as you are pregnant and again when you are a Mum - sleep deprivation was an absolute killer for my MH so it's best you have prearranged coping mechanisms in place with those around you to fall back on.

But you'll make an amazing Mum - I can see how caring you are from your thoughtful replies,

I have emet and I am currently 27 weeks pregnant, I am not going to lie it's been quite a challenge. I haven't had it bad my whole life but I suffer with severe migraines and it has got worse during my adult life due to nausea and vomiting associated with my migraines.
I had morning sickness (all day sickness) from about 6-13 weeks. I think I made it much worse that it actually needed to be by going to extreme lengths to try and not be sick to be honest; I had constant nausea and lost quite a lot of weight as I was frightened to eat (this in itself is hard as I was so hungry at the same time). Having said that if someone could have promised me it would be gone by 13 weeks I think I would have coped a lot better as a lot of it was compelled by my fear that I would feel like it until I had given birth. Feeling better was the most amazing feeling and on the up side my migraines are a lot less frequent now so probably have less n&v than I normally do.
I was prescribed anti sickness drugs but they didn't really help and found a lot of health care professionals very unsympathetic to the phobia.
Sorry to sound like such a negative Annie, I just wanted to be honest about my experience.
Having said that I have managed so far and feel quite proud of myself for that; I wouldn't change anything as I am excited to be a Mum.

I'd also echo Lovemusic in that the pregnancy and newborn stage was easy from an emetophobes point of view (I didn't worry much) and it's only been since my DS has been at nursery that I've worried more and more.

Aww thank you ButtMuncher, that’s so kind of you to say! That brought a little tear to my eye. And no don’t worry, I knew exactly what you meant... That fact that I’m even willing to consider this is such a massive step forward already, so hopefully a bit further down the line I’ll feel ready to actually take the gamble and see what happens.

bluebird Yes! You’ve summed up exactly how I think I’d be... I think maybe if I knew for a fact that the sickness was only going to be for the first trimester and then I wouldn’t have to suffer it again, I’d somehow battle through it. But I would be so worried that it just was never going to go for the whole 9 months! It feels like an eternity when you’re feeling nauseous as it is, so to know that it could potentially be a long term thing is very panic inducing for me.

I’m so glad I finally found the courage to post about this! I thought people might either laugh at me for being completely ridiculous or just tell me that I should forget the whole idea as I’m clearly not cut out for it. But I’ve had so many encouraging responses and been given some great advice... So a huge thank you to all of you! For the first time ever, I’m thinking that maybe I could actually do this!