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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Desperately broody at 22

26 replies

UnicornPrincess · 30/03/2018 09:47

Hi everyone this is my first time posting but I feel like I could really do with some advice!

I'm 22 and am feeling super broody! My partner is 34 and definitely keen to have kids. I run my own business which has me working from home most of the day and my partner is a business manager in a role with accommodation provided so we currently live in a 3 bedroom flat.

I feel like our situation is pretty stable to bring a baby into but worry about what friends and family will say if I get pregnant so young so my questions are : does my age matter? Am I too young? If there are any mums out there who had babies at my age are you glad you did or do you wish you'd waited?

Any help anyone can give me would be great, thanks!!!

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ReggaetonLente · 30/03/2018 10:08

Honestly in my experience no matter your age or situation people will have something to say. I’m 27, married, own our own house and have a good job and I’ve still had people express disapproval! It doesn’t matter what anyone ele thinks.

If you’re ready, you can afford a baby and maternity leave, and it’s what you both want, why not? Everyone’s path is different, some people will tell you your twenties are for backpacking and clubbing but that’s not what we all want!

Afreshcuppateaplease · 30/03/2018 10:10

If its what you both want go for it

I had 2 dc by 21, #3 at 25 and #4 at 28

PastaSauceHoarder · 30/03/2018 10:13

I had my baby daughter last year when I was 21 and to me it was perfect. I'd spent all my teenage years daydreaming about having my own children and being their mummy so becoming pregnant with my first wonderful baby just seemed so completely natural.
I've never felt like a 'young mum', nor have I ever been made to feel like one. My husband and I are even planning another soon, and hopefully when our second child is born I'll only be 23!
If you can love, support and fund your future baby then why not? Would it matter so much what others thought?

Atticusss · 30/03/2018 10:21

I had my first at 20 and I do regret it. At the time I felt really clever and that young was best and I didn't like to do the type of socialising my childless friends did anyway. It wasn't until years later however that I realised just how much I had missed out on. I just had the wrong friends. I wish I had had lots and lots of holidays and experiences without children in tow. I wish I was owning and not renting. I wish I had more experice of relationships to know mine was not a good one.

UnicornPrincess · 30/03/2018 11:08

Thank you all for your advice! It's nice to feel that I'm not alone here!

I have some really great friends around me but to be honest none of us are that into clubbing etc. We'd all rather have lunch or just hang out at each others homes (normally mine!) so from that point of view I don't think I'll be missing out on much! Growing up we always had big family holidays with my aunts and uncles and younger cousins which I went on until the age of 19, the holidays I've had since then have felt like they were missing something without the kids around!

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PutTheChocEggDown · 30/03/2018 11:15

You know for many people your age I would say no way but what you've written makes it sound completely natural for you to have children. And if you are the kind of person who loves children and feels like you want them around you, then you'll be fine.

Is your relationship with your partner long-lasting and very solid? Is he kind, helpful and tolerant? Is he ready for the changes it will bring in your relationship? At 34 he is probably more emotionally ready than most 22 year old men would be.

We had our child in our thirties but I can see the appeal of having them younger, especially if you want a few.

aetw · 30/03/2018 11:17

Personally, I wish I had started younger. It’s been so hard in my 30’s tho I’ve always had problems so don’t know if it would have been better in my 20s. I just wasn’t with the right person in my 20s. Good luck what ever you decide. X

MrsG95 · 30/03/2018 11:21

Had Ds1 at 19. Ds2 due in 6 weeks, I'm 22 now

Feelings · 30/03/2018 12:13

The upside is that you'll be much younger to play and be around your kids.

I had mine at 23 and got the "you're not even married yet" not that it matters in this day and age!

Oysterbabe · 30/03/2018 12:24

How long have you been with your partner? How long have you lived with him? It's not that you're too young but I would just be a bit cautious. I can only think of one of my friends or acquaintances who has the same partner at 32 that they had at 22. If you're as confident as you can be that you're rock solid then crack on. Maybe get married first though? Or at least look at your wills. If you're not married then you aren't his next of kin and you could find yourself in difficulty if he died suddenly.

ClareB83 · 30/03/2018 12:36

There was another thread on this recently and I thought this advice from @bertiebotts was brilliant:

I had a baby when I was 20 and it wasn't the right thing to do.

The main problem was that I lacked the life experience to really evaluate my relationship critically - and it wasn't a healthy one.

This is the most important thing IMO. You can change your living situation, job, income, you can't retrospectively change who your DC's father is and it's hard when you only realise later that you got this wrong.

It's also been harder than I anticipated being "out of step" with all of my friends - most of my "mum friends" are 10 years older than me!

But the relationship thing is the most important. Ask yourself these questions - and ask them honestly, even if you never voice this to anybody else.

Do I feel 100% equal in my relationship, or does it feel like one of us is the "driver" and the other the "passenger"?

Is our situation legitimately shared, like a family, we pool resources such as time, money, emotional energy, earning/career potential and understand there's an ebb and flow to life events, or does it sometimes feel like we're two people living separate lives side by side, or there's a push to make everything artificially "equal" at all times such as splitting out bills down set lines?

Do I like and respect his family, or do they make me feel anxious or insecure?

Am I sexually satisfied in this relationship or does it often feel unbalanced?

Do I feel heard and respected when we disagree? Are we able to have discussions respectfully? Or does it often feel like issues are left "on the back burner" or unaddressed, sometimes repeatedly?

Does he encourage and value and push me to be my best self or is he seemingly content with where I am, even seeming to want to keep me here?

Would he make personal sacrifices to support me or would he resent that?

Am I able to be myself around him or am I ashamed and hide certain aspects, or save them only for other people?

When I am vulnerable (e.g. ill, grieving, extreme stress) does he take care of me or does he act as though this is my problem? (And is there a difference in expectation when this is reversed?)

Have we experienced a complicated project or event together, such as planning a large party like a wedding, hosting an event like Christmas, or buying/choosing and decorating a house? Particularly where emotions run high and clashes are likely and especially if combining family traditions must be navigated. Do I feel that we make a good team for things like this, or is it something that I dread?

If it's not clear, the first scenarios are good, "green flags" for starting a family with somebody, the second scenarios after the "or" are warning signs or "red flags" - if you've got one or two and there are specific reasons for this and you know how you'd handle them as a couple, that might be okay. If you're finding you tick a few more or you can't really answer why they are or you believe that these are normal parts of a relationship, hold off for several more years. Often these "red flags" can feel totally okay when you're both young, healthy and independent. That a baby changes that dynamic can be unexpected, for everyone. But these are the kinds of things which tend to magnify and bloom into real difficulties once a child is in the picture. The last two refer to events which you may or may not have experienced together. It would be useful if you have experienced something like this prior to making the decision to have a child because having a child is a combination of these two things and having it be the first experience of such an event can be catastrophic if you don't know what to expect from each other.

ClareB83 · 30/03/2018 12:38

Thread is here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/pregnancy/3201039-Am-I-too-young

I'd add the usual MN advice about getting married before you get pregnant too. If you are likely to be the one who takes leave/goes part time etc you'll appreciate the protection.

StormcloakNord · 30/03/2018 12:42

I was desperately broody at 20 too, ended up pregnant and having DD a couple weeks before my 21st.

People will always have something to say about your situation, if you want to do it go for it it's not like anyone here will actually change your mind (if you're as stubborn as I am).

It's funny reading posts where young women are broody, I was broody like that once and see after actually having the kid I'm sworn off for life. Grin

SVRT19674 · 31/03/2018 15:09

I proposed my boyfriend that we have a child when I was 24. As we weren't married he was worried people would think ill of me. Fast forward and I am now 43 pregnant with my first, a little girl. We're over the moon. MiL doesn't agree with it an wants nothing to do with pregnancy. As I am older and not so easily swaid I just thought sod her. The opinions of those I don't give a damn about are superfluous. You and your partner know what's right for you both. Ignore anyone else.

surreygirl1987 · 31/03/2018 17:13

Personally, if I wasn't already 31, I would wait another 5 years or so to have kids. There's a whole world out there and I want to do so much. However that's just me. If you genuinely feel you wouldn't regret having kids young and don't have desire to do something like work abroad for a year or do a PhD or so a charity placement etc... then you have no reason not to go for it if you feel ready! Don't be put of by other people's judgement. Do what is right for you - but make sure it IS the right thing for you, right now. You have time on your side!

TheCraicDealer · 31/03/2018 17:29

Unless you're really against marriage as a concept personally I wouldn't have child with your current partner unless married, particularly as you're self employed. Seems like a decent set up atm but you'll find that because you'll have the "flexibility" initially you'll be the one who has to continue to work around the children and your business and profitability are likely to bear the brunt of that.

Also don't underestimate how hard it is to run your own business whilst also looking after a baby. If you do do it, don't mess about and just sort out childcare from day one because unless you have a very contented baby you will struggle. I have watched friends do this and it nearly ended their marriage.

Jodie567 · 31/03/2018 17:50

Hiya!! I can understand this thread... I was once asking myself these questions I was 20 when I have my daughter and partner was 34. Yes people had lots to say while I was pregnant, the minute she arrived it all seemed to stop! Don't let it put you off at all do what you think it right for you both we did and no way do I regret it!
I love the idea of being able to enjoy my children and hopefully grandchildren more as I will be younger and be able to spend more time with them!!

Wish you all the luck ❤️

UnicornPrincess · 01/04/2018 10:47

Thank you everyone, In answer to questions about my partner, we've been together for 2 years but have known each other for 4 and lived together for about a year and a half. We've been through quite a lot of tough times in two years probably the amount that most people go through in 10 years but we've managed to help each other through and stick together. We both love each other's families and know that we have a lot of people supporting our relationship, they say it takes a village to raise a child and I definitely feel like we have that support!

I talked this through with my best friend the other day and she seemed very positive about it, she had nothing but praise for my partner and has already offered to come and babysit - I think she's getting a bit ahead of things there!

A few people have mentioned marriage, I just wonder how important everyone thinks that is? My parents aren't married so it's not something I've considered that necessary, I know from working with children that when a mum has a different surname to her child it becomes a bit of an admin nightmare trying to work out which child belongs to her when she emails but other than that what are the benefits?

OP posts:
Jodie567 · 01/04/2018 11:07

My and my partner are not married... We have never been interested in getting married, however I have recently been looking i to changing my name. As my daughter has various allergies we are at the hospital a fair amount and I'm sick of correcting people of my surname, it's something which hadn't botherd me at all untill now! Everyone is so different and if you have support and feel it is the right thing to do then why not! I don't feel marriage is the be all and end all. How does your partner feel about getting married? There nothing stopping you from getting married after having children.
😀

ilikebread · 01/04/2018 11:19

It’s totally up to you. Your body, your life!

Personally I didn’t want children so young, because I wanted to travel, put myself first, forge my dream career, buy my own home - but that’s my life not yours.

Don’t think about other people they will always have opinions 😊

ilikebread · 01/04/2018 11:23

As a woman in a relationship you have less rights if you are unmarried.

I love being married and it made me feel different (in a good way) like we are a little family.

Having said that I’m friends with plenty of unmarried couples and they don’t care either way and are very happy x

pestov · 01/04/2018 11:27

Marriage is super important in your situation - if things go wrong down the line it protects you financially from having gone part time and given up career opportunities to raise his family. It also means if you are hospitalised or get sick he is your next of kin so can be told what's going on and make decisions for you

pestov · 01/04/2018 11:30

Personally I'd wait until married and bought a place together. If he gets accommodation as part of his job then rent it out but you need to have full and Frank financial conversations to gauge what you're signing up to for the next 20 years

ClareB83 · 01/04/2018 13:35

There are various financial benefits whilst married eg sharing tax allowances.

There are financial benefits when you die in terms of inheritance tax.

Googling will give you more detail on these.

There are benefits for your OH in terms of getting automatic parental rights over any children if the marriage.

But the main benefit that pp on here have been referencing is that if you were to divorce at a later date the assets of the marriage would belong to both of you even if one of you (usually the woman) has reduced her hours or stopped working to take care of any children. You would be entitled to a share of what he earnt including pensions. Whereas if you don't marry you'll be left with sod all, apart from child maintenance and a big gap on your CV.

In terms of changing your name: I did, others don't. It's very much a secondary issue to whether you want to be legally married.

Emotionally it shows you're both committed and everyone I discussed it with before getting married said it made them feel like more of a team.

Frazzled2207 · 01/04/2018 13:42

I think it helps to be "established" in one's career when you start having kids, but if you run your own business that's not as relevant. Plus if you have them young enough there's plenty of time to sort out your career later.

I don't think there's anything stopping you going for it. Just bear in mind you will be younger than average (think average is around 30 these days and is certainly true round here) when it comes to going to baby groups etc. And a baby is so demanding that your relationship with your current friends will definitely change.