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Original poster

Would this be insensitive?

23 replies

xXAnonXx · 29/03/2018 14:50

Hi,

Bit of a strange situation but I was just wanting a few thoughts from people. We are expecting our first baby and have recently been thinking about names - we like very different styles but have finally settled on 1 name that we both agree on! Since then we found out that my sister-in-law had a child about 9 years ago who she gave up for adoption and it just so happens her child has the same name as the one we have picked. We found out this information by chance and it has never officially been told us by my brother-in-law or sister-in-law therefore we can't ask them about it as it would be totally inappropriate and cause a lot of problems.

Do you think it would be insensitive if we stuck with the name we have chosen after finding out this information? I'm really in two minds about it and not sure what to do

OP posts:

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Brownieb · 29/03/2018 14:52

I wouldn’t, it could affect people bonding with your child as well as causing upset to SIL

Dreamingofkfc · 29/03/2018 15:02

You now know, so really I don't think you can use the name. It's not worth the upset it may cause

aurora2018 · 29/03/2018 15:24

Personally I think it would be unreasonable to use the name, sorry

Snipples · 29/03/2018 15:57

Yes I think it would be insensitive - I would choose another name.

zaalitje · 29/03/2018 16:14

I think that has the potential to be very insensitive, possibly like rubbing salt in the wound each time it's mentioned.

Pascall · 29/03/2018 16:18

It will be upsetting for her, don't do it.

Buxbaum · 29/03/2018 16:32

Sorry, I agree with PP. Choose another name.

Poptart4 · 29/03/2018 16:33

Going against the tide here but I would use the name.

My mother was forced to give up her little girl for adoption back when unmarried mothers were looked down on. She has never forgotten her daughter or the name she gave her but other children with the same name never bother her. Why would they? Her feelings are for her daughter not the name. And most people share their name with thousands of others.

I'm sure your SIL has come across a child with the same name before and she doesn't expect nó one in the world to ever use it again.

ObiJuanKenobi · 29/03/2018 16:34

Goodness me no don't use the name

KalaLaka · 29/03/2018 16:35

Do you even have to ask?!

HappyLollipop · 29/03/2018 16:42

Don't use the name it would be cruel to your SIL a name is not worth causing divisions in a family and I'm sure you'll find another name to agree on.

surreygirl1987 · 29/03/2018 17:06

I definitely wouldn't. You don't know how muxh damage that could potentially cause. My friend still struggles a little with the name of my husband being the same as her ex (broke her heart) as it just remind her of tough times... and that's not as potentially traumatic as giving up a child. I know it's only a name but actually that can be quite powerful. I mean, it might be fine... but then again it really might not be and it's probably not worth the risk now that you know. Sorry it's the same name. :(

PalePinkSwan · 29/03/2018 17:08

I really wouldn’t. I think now you know, it would be quite cruel.

FiveNightsAtMummys · 29/03/2018 17:11

Next time you see Sil could you maybe suggest the name along with a few others. If she picks the other names then you'll know that the name you really want will cause her to be upset. If she does pick the name you really like then you know she's ok with it.

BunloafAndCrumpets · 29/03/2018 17:12

No, no way I'd use it. Why would you want your child's name associated with what was likely a really difficult event, and sadness?

Unfortunate coincidence.

Anotherdayanotherdollar · 29/03/2018 17:26

I wouldn't use it.
Adoption tends not to be somebody's goal in life so it's most likely a very sad event.
Same as I wouldn't use it if her child had died.

seven201 · 29/03/2018 17:33

Definitely can't use the name

bonnyshide · 29/03/2018 17:36

You absolutely can't use that name now that you know.

Back to the drawing board.

LaurG · 31/03/2018 22:57

How about using it as a middle name? That actually might be quite nice for your sister in law.

Addy2 · 01/04/2018 06:30

Well, if no one knows that you know then they can't really blame you for it. If that's the case it's just down to your individual consciences.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 01/04/2018 07:02

I would probably say ‘oh we were thinking of x name for a girl or x for a boy but I’m not sure’

lunar1 · 01/04/2018 07:08

You can't use the name now. Please don't casually mention the name in conversation and think you can make a full assessment based on her immediate reaction as some people are suggesting. We are not on an episode of the mentalist where you can understand every feeling and motivation based on micro-expressions.

There are plenty of names, forget this one.

surreygirl1987 · 01/04/2018 08:59

Agree with @lunar1 wholeheartedly

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