Friendships changing so much

[Alicia870]

I posted on here recently about how my 2 friends (who don’t have kids) have been very distant and don’t understand at all how I’m feeling during my pregnancy. That post really helped me as a lot of people said other people really don’t care that much about your pregnancy so don’t expect them to kind of thing. That did help me put it in perspective and not to take comments so personally

However i still can’t help but feel my friendship with these 2 has forever been changed. Part of me is seeing a different side to them that actually I don’t think is all that nice or friend like at all. We caught up yesterday and i left feeling mega deflated and just plain judged. It was not a nice feeling. One is single so really far off the stage of life I’m in as I’m married and now pregnant. The other in a relationship but no plans for kids yet. The single one was making comments about how much weight some people put on in pregnancy, compared to some other people. She picked two of her friends and said ‘friend a is just all bump, looks amazing, wouldn’t even know she is pregnant but the other one hasn’t got up to do any exercise and has piled it on’. I just didn’t say anything as I thought I really don’t think it’s your place to judge how a woman carries her baby.

They also were talking about breastfeeding and are so anti the whole thing. Another friend had been with us for the catch up who has an 18 month old and is still feeding her. As soon as she left the two of them were making comments like ‘how can she be bothered’, ‘she must bite her’, ‘if it was me I’d only do it for 2 weeks and then they would get the bottle’. Just so judgmental when they have never been in that situation. I felt like saying you two should be supporting your friend rather than slagging her off behind her back! And I did say I think women can do whatever they feel is right for them but I would love to be able to breastfeed as it’s amzonf!There were so many thjngs they said about pregnancy and babies that made me so mad. I’ve been really sick in my first trimester and they also made comments about how it’s so weird that some people sail through it all and seem to take it all in their stride and others struggle. I have a hen to go to in July and they asked was I still going and said I still plan to and they spent 15 minutes telling me I’m mad and I will only be complaining and it will make her rest do the crowd awkward and not feel like they can really relax. I also was telling them about what the scans check for and one said ‘omg you must just have your head in pregnancy books all the time you know so much’. I just felt like im not doing a good job and everything was so negative.
I get that they just don’t understand but I don’t think there’s any place for judgment. Not from women who have had children and certainly not from those who haven’t. I understand they may be afraid that my priorities are changing and of course they are. That’s life. It’s sad but I know for a fact our friendship has changed especially when I walk away feeling so down and unsupported. I think I’m learning that when it comes to pregnancy I really can’t speak to them about it and it’s best to say the bare minimum and certainly not to say anything negative as I know I’ll get so much judgement and comparison to other pregnant women who ‘just sailed through’.
I just feel really sad that it’s come to this. I dont see any other way to deal with it rather than just keep my head down and try on hubby and mum to speak to for support. Can anyone relate?

Well I'd be less than impressed by some of the things they've been saying but tbh I'm sure i said similar things before I became pg... though admittedly not to a pregnant woman. I guess everyone has their opinions and judgements. And friendships do change when people are in different stages in life.
I guess you have q choice- if they bother you that much you can always distance yourself from them a bit and LET the friendships cool down. But if they're anything like me they just won't get it until they're pregnant themselves so I guess if you want to maintain the friendships you have to accept that.

Thank you for your response- I actually do agree with what you’re saying. I’m sure I had some judgement too before being pregnant but now I’m on the other side of it it’s really not a nice feeling but maybe it took me getting pg to realise. But I still think there’s no place for comparing women and sitting on your high horse preaching about what you would do as if you’d be the most heaven sent mother when every mother is just trying their best. I can’t help feeling sad and down about it. I dunno what to do about it really.

It sounds like your growing apart which is natural op. I was the first of my friends to have a baby at 22. I lost loads of friends. Having a baby makes you grow up a bit and your outlook and priorities change.

Whenever we met up my friends were only interested in celeb gossip and clubbing and what guy they got off with on Saturday night. I just couldn't relate as my life had moved on from that. Equally they couldn't relate to me as I'm sure they found any pregnancy or baby talk boring.

It got worse after the baby was born as they just weren't very understanding of the responsibilities I had and why I couldn't go clubbing every week or why I couldn't drop everything and hang out like I use to.

Im not saying it was all my friends fault. It was no one's fault really, our lives were just on different paths. It happens to alot of people x

Just so judgmental when they have never been in that situation.
This is exactly the problem, they are passing judgment on something that currently they know nothing about. I can guarantee if/when they are are in the same situation, their views will change.
Unfortunately I do think this friendship has run its course. My friendships haven’t always been plan sailing due to the difference in our lives but we generally come out the other side.
They don’t sound like very good friends to be honest.

There are things they say that I think I need to remind myself maybe not so long ago I (probably wrongly) assumed about pregnant friends and mum friends too. But then there are also comments they make where I think that’s actually really not very nice and that don’t seem to come from ignorance but more so just a nasty place. (Like slagging our other friends parenting choices when she leaves, passing remarks about pregnant women’s weight, putting people who breast feed down). I do think that I just need to learn to zip it about he pregnancy talk. I have a scan tomorrow and I’m not going to text them with a pic or let them know how it goes unless they ask. Cos I need to remeber they actually don’t care and are too caught up in what to wear on Saturday night. I don’t blame them for that but I am still hurt at their comments and how they’ve been since I told them I was pregnant and it’s just made me see them in such a different life. I feel like such a huge pressure to show that I’m on top of everything around them, so by saying nothing at all they won’t be able to pass judgement so micnb

They do sound horrible. Not just "at a different life stage", but fundamentally lacking in empathy, judgemental and just not nice people...

I told my mum and she said the same. She has knows these girls years and said she is really disappointed in them and that it’s kust downright nasty. Let them slag me and say I’ve changed and don’t have time for my friends anymore - I don’t care. They’ve pushed me to the point I can’t confide in them for fear of being put down and questioned for every little thing I do from how I look, how much weight I put on, how sick I am, how I feed my baby. I feel genuinely very upset about it as we’ve all been through a lot together but I’ve just seen such a different side to them now and can’t be bothered with the bitchiness!

My BF had her first DC 7 years ago. I was single and nowhere near being married and pregnant (I'm both now).

But that difference in our lives didn't make me act like a complete bitch to her. I was incredibly supportive in fact, going round once a week to clean, make dinner, help out. I babysat, I helped them move, picked up the baby magazine she liked, discussed the minutiae of maternity leave/return to work etc. Because I was her friend. I certainly didn't tell her off for putting on weight.

Our relationship has changed as she lives even further away now and has a very busy life with three kids. But that's the ebb and flow of relationships.

You can let yours drift a little or if they're as awful as they sound let them go completely.

Hang on - if you really feel they're nasty, why do you even care about these friendships? If you don't like these women why do you want to be friends with them...?

I think I’ve kind of explained above. I’ve said I’m very upset about it as we’ve known each other for so long but at the end of the day they are being mean and it’s made me see them in a different light. If they had been nasty as friends before the pregnancy obviously we wouldn’t have been friends!

I've had this the other way op. I'm childfree by choice but I've had rude comments from others about it (I'm selfish apparently) and also they are so wrapped up in themselves, they've been pretty poor friends.

I'm always interested in other people's pregnancies though and always ask. I'd never say some of what your friends have- they are just rude!

Good luck with your scan tomorrow. Time to concentrate on friends that care about you.

@surreygirl1987 Surely that's part of the OP's question? Is she justified to consider them nasty? Is it worth maintaining the friendship?

It's also a bit simplistic to suggest that people shouldn't care about longstanding friendships when they realise people's true colours. It's hard to lose a longstanding friendship, for whatever reason.

Personally I am one of the last of my friends to have a baby and it would never have occurred to me in a million years to start passing remarks or even think of how much weight they had gained when they were pregnant. Talk about petty and nasty, they were growing new humans, I just wanted them to feel well and for their babies to arrive safely.

It's also beyond stupid for anyone to think that pregnancy is a one-size-fits-all experience which people are either good or bad at coping with. Any idiot knows that pregnancy is different for different women. It's like having a friend who has been in a serious car accident and saying, "What, why are you in a wheelchair? My friend was in a car crash last week and she is totally fine?"

I would have no time for these people. They sound objectively unkind.

@Alicia870 they dont sound like the type of people you need be surrounding yourself with at this time. Women are very judgemental and ill put my hands up ive said some of the above however i was never as horrible they seem to be and i deffo would never say to a pregnant woman either but as we grow older our lives change ive experienced that myself when i met a friend and told her my news her reaction was and when did that happen and

(Hit send my accident) and she did not seem one bit happy for me but im the same as you married and now pregnant whereas she hops from relationship to another and seems jealous of anyone that is settling down (we are only 23) sometimes i think you have to think is it really worth being around people that are not going to support you in this stage of your life

@LMX0 I'm afraid I have to take issue with your "Women are very judgemental" comment! SOME women are very judgemental. Genuinely none of my good friends would ever dream of commenting on something like the weight of a pregnant woman, still less that of a pregnant friend. That's not just because of life stage, they never would have done so at an earlier stage in life either.

I personally can't get my head around people bitching about other people's appearance, especially that of friends, especially that of pregnant friends... it just seems terribly small-minded, unkind and insecure, and the great majority of women I know think in the same way.

I think that’s actually really not very nice and that don’t seem to come from ignorance but more so just a nasty place. (Like slagging our other friends parenting choices when she leaves, passing remarks about pregnant women’s weight, putting people who breast feed down)

I don't have a lot of women friends, and this kind of stuff is why. It is sadly very common amongst women to disparage each other while backs are turned while all the time being nice to the person's face. Think back over your friendship with these people. Maybe you've witnessed it before, except then, you weren't one of the 'others'. The object of their remarks might have been different in some other way (body shape / fashion sense / social background etc) from how your friends perceive themselves but if you were not on the other side of that line at the time, maybe you didn't notice it was happening?

I actually agree with you @mikesh909
I’m not saying I’m perfect, we all have our flaws and I’m sure it’s only human to say things that if we really thought about it, would probably hurt others. But you’re right that because the comments are so direct and blatant, it has made me realise how it’s really not ok. And definitely made me think I would just never say that to someone who is pregnant!

You're right, it's not OK, especially when you're on the receiving end of it, but sadly it is fairly typical.

Your best bet is to make some mum friends. Of course, these people will also be women, and you will face the same behaviour from some of them, but at least they won't be alienated by your pregnancy / baby chat. As someone who's had their first baby not that long ago, let me tell you that if you feel like the pregnancy is all-encompassing of your thoughts and conversational topics, it will only get worse when the baby is here. You need to find some people who you can share this part of your life with which will hopefully mean you can find other things to talk about with friends who aren't in that place, or alternatively, leave you feeling more able to move on from those relationships.

I sympathise, it is hard! I count myself extremely lucky in friendships and most of those have endured since teenage years. We've been through everything, and the friendships have survived various relationships coming and going, different careers, moves abroad and back again and all the stuff of life in between. I would not have thought that it would have been as difficult as it has been to find the balance between developing those friendships in this new stage of my life (i.e getting across the message of how and when I am able to do things that once would have been a given) and holding back from them, where once I would have shared everything and managing my own expectations of the level of interest other people have.

@Heregoeseverything i apologise that should have read some women i know not all women are judgemental and if they are some are better at keeping their thoughts to themselves

They sound like they are jealous! Try not to take their comments to heart.

I had a friend who is also child- free who actually made a lot of effort during my pregnancy. However, once DC was born, everything changed.
I got comments on what a "naughty baby" she was, sarctasic comments about how busy I'd become with the baby and how little effort I was making with her, lots of awkwardness, comments on how mother's shouldn't take babies out in public if they're crying etc etc.
Eventually it all got too much and I explained to her exactly why I could no longer be friends with her. She did not own up to saying any of these things and sent me some pretty horrible messages in return. It was all pointless and gave me a lot of stress I didn't need.
Don't be around anyone who is uncomfortable to be around, life is too short. You don't need to explain to anyone like I did or try to iron out your differences. Just let the friendships fade.

Some of us, especially if we haven't got a lot of family support, invest a lot in friendships and expect friends to be long term, like family, even if we don't see them all the time.
Even then it's hard when circumstances change, you get a partner and see their friends or make mutual friends. Divorce or be widowed, and get more single friends. Have dc, illness, jobs, moving, all these affect friendship and some people will put effort into maintaining relationships. Some just move on, make new friends or have continuity with family. It's sad when people can't be bothered because often you can move closer again later, but these days even marriage and relatives are disposable. Society will pay a price for that but if people make you feel bad and not willing to change we have to protect ourselves.

They sound a bit bitchy and yes they definitely don't seem supportive so I would keep your distance and definitely don't text or talk about your pregnancy. That is not true of all childless women though. My eldest DD is not in a relationship or had children yet and she is incredibly interested and supportive of her friends who have been pregnant and my other DD who is 34 weeks pregnant with her second DD. They may not be very nice people and you have just realised this. Or they may be jealous.

I see - well I guess if you think they're nasty and you don't like them as people anymore... end the friendship? I know it's a shame if you've known them for ages but there's no point in having people in your life who you think are mean! Spend more time with the friends you like instead!