I am 6 weeks pregnant with what will hopefully be our 4th child (7th pregnancy) and I have this low level of panic and freaking out at all times. Its not just that I had a traumatic D&C after a MMC last year or that it will be our forth child but there is this constant go around in my head of what if its another MMC, what if we are tempting fate, what if we cant cope with another child, what if DH feels pushed into having another child, what will people think, how will we cope with the baby years ago after such a big gap (kids will be 10,9&5) and on and on. On the outside I am fine but I feel like I cant express my worry or panic because its our 4th and I should be a pro at all this now and if I complain family members and dh will just point out this was what I wanted.
We also have a huge family holiday planned in 3 week to florida and the stress of the flight in early pregnancy is in the back of my mind. It wouldnt have phased me at all until I experienced the horrors of MC and tbh I probably should have had counselling after my traumatic experience but I felt I should just get on with it as expected. I dont mind missing out on rides in the parks but it is going to make things harder to hide from the inlaws that there is a lot I cant go on and in a swimming costume I already look bloated and pregnant. My SIL and DB has just started trying and we will be away with them. I know they are desperate for a child and I dont think SIL who has some mental health issues will cope very well which is why I think its better to tell her after the holiday so we arent all stuck together.
Please tell me I am not alone or going mad. On the outside I seem fine and calm but I am a total mess, were we totally pushing our luck trying for a fourth when our 3 are wonderful and here already. Will we do them a disservice? We have the means and the room but is that enough? We come from big families on both sides, 4 children would be pretty average, im rambling now. Tell me Im not the only mad one!