How to support SIL?

[ApplesTheHare]

Hi ladies

I'm not pregnant (though would love to be) and my SIL just announced her first pregnancy. I've really struggled with it as, although I've got a beautiful nearly 4 yo dd, DH and I have recently gone through a late mc. I'd like to support SIL but am finding the thought of spending time with her or even talking about it way too much atm. Is there any support you'd appreciate in particular from family members? It's really early in her pregnancy and I can't think of anything I could do but would like to make an effort as I don't want our own struggles mar her pregnancy. My instinct is to avoid her for the next 18 months but obviously that's insane and would create a huge rift

I think a reasonable, rational person should be able to understand that your husband and you will have trouble offering as much support due to your own loss.

In an uncomplicated pregnancy and if she has a partner, then she may not need much support other than from her Mum.

You and your husband may want to simply have a conversation together with her just explaining that if you all aren't around as much or up for talking about her pregnancy that it's not because you don't care or don't want to support her but rather that it's simply too difficult when you're both still reeling from your pregnancy loss.

What about a wee pregnancy gift to say congrats (stretch mark oil etc?) Shows you care but then when you take a step back she still knows you're there for her. Can just say "I'm really happy for you and I got you this gift to celebrate however I'm still struggling with my own loss so I might not be as up to talking about baby stuff as your mum and friends."

You sound really nice OP. I don't think you need to worry. Perhaps a nice gift and maybe the odd text asking how she is, but unless she has complications I don't see what other support she'd need? I'm pregnant with my first (38 weeks) and have barely seen anyone from my family during the pregnancy as they all live far away. I've got my DH to moan to when needed and plenty of friends, and quite frankly haven't expected anything from my siblings/BILs/SILs.

If someone let me know they found my pregnancy tough and would be wishing me well but not always present I would be more than happy with that explanation and make sure I was sensitive around them if it ever was discussed. Can you sit her down and explain?

I like the gift idea! Then it shows a bit of thought and she will know you’ve thought about her. I got a lovely bloom and blossom Mum to be set (they’re on offer in John Lewis at the moment) from my brother and sister in law. Totally unexpected but lovely. Maybe something like that will let her know you’re thinking of her :) really sorry to hear about your loss, if they are aware I’m sure once the initial excitement is over they will think about you both and try to work out how involved you want to be. So it might be worth having a conversation with them when you feel ready and explaining your feelings.

Yes the gift and maybe a card is a nice idea. Apart from that just the odd 'how are you' message should be enough. You sound really lovely OP and I'm sorry this is hard for you

Thanks everyone. I wish I was lovely but atm I'm just awfully sad and it sucks. I don't want to pass my sadness on to SIL though, so think I will go with a little gift pack - stretch mark oil, etc. - when they've had their scan. If they send me a photo I don't think I'll be able to cope...