Terrified..

[Siany1974]

i. I’m new to this site and really need a shoulder or two right now. I have just done a home test which came up positive within the first 10 seconds, so I did another with the same result. So I think I’m pregnant. I’m on the pill (noriday) and take it religiously and have no other children. I’m 43. My partner is 44 and has 2 other children from a previous relationship. When we met, he said he was unsure if he wanted more children and I told him I was unsure if I ever wanted children. Having never had the most loving relationships I felt like not having children was the best decision for me at those times. About 6 months into our relationship, my partner told me he didn’t want any more children and that now was the time to discuss this as it could well have been a deal breaker. I told him again that I was unsure, but that it was unlikely I would want a child due to my age. And so we settled into our relationship, moved in together and 4 years later are quite happy. Lately I have very sore boobs (I get that every month) but no period. My periods are unpredictable anyway because of this pill but the sore boobs have not gone away for over 3 weeks. I googled it. Pregnant came up everywhere but I ignored it. Last week, I had what I thought were period pains but no period came. This morning I felt sick. I bought a home test and here we are.
Today is 9 years to the day my mum died and today is a day I need to make a decision about euthanising my dog (who’s been with me for 11 years). I feel utterly distraught. I don’t feel I can tell my partner, when I don’t even know what I want to do. I have this nagging doubt that should I tell him and we choose to end the pregnancy, things won’t be the same between us which could have dire consequences for our relationship. Most of me feels that this is not a good idea and will cause a rift between his kids / ex wife who rely on him financially. But the thought of a termination fills me with fear and the thought of telling him even more so. Terminating the baby and not telling him seems like best option right now as it will cause the least upset to everyone but I feel so scared and so emotional right now i’m struggling to deal with it. We have his daughters over tonight so talking today is not an option.
Sorry for the long post. I have no-one else I can talk to about this....

Oh lovey, you don't have to do anything right now. You need some time to process this and maybe get some counselling too. Make the decision not to decide anything for a couple of weeks.

It's not about what will cause the least upset to anyone, it's about how you feel. And your emotions will be all over the place until you come to terms with this.

to you for your mum and for your dog. I lost my dog last year and it was devastating. My mother had dementia for many years so it was time for her to go.

Take your time, you must be in shock. Look into some councelling about pregnancy choices.
One thing though, what his ex and kids think should really not be too high on your list. What do you want?

Big hugs OP I agree with the previous posters, give yourself some time to get over the shock and see if you can speak to someone neutral.

Personally, it sounds to me that given different circumstances with your partner, you would very much want this baby, and that you're thinking of everyone else, before yourself. I may be wrong though xo

TQ1, i’m so sorry for your losses. It’s devastating to lose any part of your family to you too.
Katharina, I really don’t know what I want. For me. For the best for everyone else. I have a life growing inside me that’s new and not really here but that I need to make choices for. I never thought I would be in this position in all honesty so never considered how I would feel about it. I am, however, all too aware that my choices will have a dramatic impact on more than just my life. My partners youngest will love it (she currently wants to be a midwife!), his eldest will absolutely hate it, his ex wife will justifiably be concerned about where she stands financially and how her girls will feel, and him.... well, I already know he will not want this. Irrespective of what I want, it cannot be right to affect so many other lives, surely.
He’s due Home now with his girls so I have to paint on a smile... thanks all

Ah OP I am in a similar position. I’m 42 and my boyfriend is 51 and he has told me he doesn’t want this baby (unplanned) and that he had both more to say on the matter. Says he is too old and that it will affect his existing daughter (she’s 23).

So I am left to deal with it on my own.
He was very supportive for the first two weeks while I was undecided what to do about the pregnancy but since I told him I can’t have an abortion he has turned selfish and said some quite nasty things.

So my advice would be to really get your own head around it first before you have to deal with anyone else’s emotions
I told mine straight away and I’ve had to deal with all his moods as well as my own which has left me an emotional wreck

Try to stop thinking about everyone else OP (except your partner). His children, ex wife etc are completely irrelevant. Their opinions and feelings have no bearing at all on your decisions, this is all about you, the baby and your partner, in that order.

Sorry to hear you’re going through this too Fidgety. Not sure how long I can get away with not talking to him about it. I was sick last night (blamed it on a migraine) and feel queasy as this morning. If this carries on he’s going to ask.
I spent most of the night weighing up my options.. financially it will be a huge burden. Emotionally it will be a huge burden. I had a trawl around the internet and all things mumsy filled me with horror. I don’t know that I see myself as that person because this is something that I haven’t yearned for. But I went to the shop yesterday afternoon and was behind a woman with her young baby... we played peek-a-boo for a bit and I just thought that they looked so beautiful. So confused.
I worry that if I decide to keep it, it will ruin us and he will resent me forever. If I decide not to go ahead, I worry I will resent him and it will ruin us. That “what ifs” are huge either way.
I’ve always thought, you either know whether you want children or you don’t. I have no idea what I want so how can I possibly make this decision?
Thanks for the advice... it’s the same advice I would give me if I weren’t in my shoes! Not so easy when it’s your own life eh?

Hiya.

How old are his kids?
They are grown ups I assume?
In which case it is absolutely not their place to be happy or upset, it doesn't affect them.

The ex wife can do one - why is he still financially supporting her if the kids are grown up?

It is really really really really really hard work being a Mum, it changes your whole life but it can also be incredibly rewarding.

But I wouldn't get a termination without telling your DH, it's his baby too and he should be there to support you if you decide that is the way you want to go.

But as everyone else said, take some time to get your head around it.

I’ve always thought, you either know whether you want children or you don’t

Not at all. I was totally ambivalent either way before I had mine. It's hard and life-changing. But it can also be life-changing to make the decision to terminate and to regret it later.

Would it be helpful for you to discuss it with a neutral third party? www.gov.uk/government/publications/registeration-of-pregnancy-advice-bureaux

Hi yellow..no, his kids are 11 and 15 so still quite dependant financially. I don’t know what his position will be if he has a third child but I assume their payments will reduce accordingly. The ex has a good job and they have a lifestyle they are accustomed to. But they already took a hit when he went from employed to self employed (as did we) so any more reductions will cause pressure and resentment their end i’m sure...it’s only natural. So I can’t help but think of other people in this.

Just come back from the doctor to confirm everything but have to wait an agonising week till it’s rubber stamped. She thinks i’m around 6 weeks due to symptoms but didn’t offer any advice, so thanks Katharina, i’ll have a look at that link now.

Yesterday was a bad day all round. It’s good to let it out on here though so thanks all

I would talk to your DH and get his opinion on the suruation rather than doing anything you may regret.

What you decide has nothing to do with her at all .... she is an ex, with no opinion.

Hope you work it out.

Ah OP, you need to find some way of compartmentalising how others will feel about this. I get the reasons why you are though.

However, and I'm not sure if this helps, the reason you need to think about you and the baby first and then the baby goes a lot deeper than what is going on in the here and now, it's the rest of your life. Not saying that termination is wrong, but termination for any other reason than you not wanting to have this baby may cause you a great deal of pain for the rest of your life. It sounds like it may be unlikely that you would conceive again, which is relevant. If you are fine with that, great. If not, then this issue will also add to any regrets you may have.

You mention that your relationship is not particularly loving. If you have concerns about your partner being a good father you have way more options than a termination if you want to have the baby.

I hope you figure it out and do what YOU want to do and what is best for you. It is nine of his exes business in the slightest, and if their payments reduce then so be it. Sorry I sound harsh but that's not your problem. You can't make such an important decision based on how much money they will be getting. What if his ex wife decided to she wanted another baby or got pregnant? It would be nothing to do with your partner or you. This is all about you.

Just to add, do you imagine that his ex would consider terminating a wanted pregnancy because of how it would impact upon you, were the situation reversed? Would you even expect her to do so? I suspect the answer is no.

So, it’s been a week and the doc has confirmed and asked what I would like to do. Truth is, I still don’t know. I haven’t told DP yet because I don’t know if I can face it and the very real possibility of our relationship breaking down. I feel well and truly up the creek without a boat, let alone a paddle. And there is no-one else I can talk to.
Honestly, I still feel like I need to consider everyone in this, not just what is right for me. If the ex got pregnant, it would not affect us. Me being pregnant will absolutely have consequences all round. That aside, my head is pickled.
I am 43. I recently closed my business to concentrate on finding a new career path, of which I don’t have one yet. Financially, another mouth to feed would be a huge strain. My dog is permanently paralysed, incontinent and old but has the strongest bloody will to live so needs constant care. I have no support network. I feel utterly mortified and frankly embarrassed at the thought of pushing around a baby, especially at my age. I feel disgustingly ugly, with swollen painful boobs and a bloated belly. I feel completely unmaternal in almost every way so my head is screaming at me to just get rid, quietly and with no fuss and no-one has to know.
But there is this tiny little nag that I can’t shake. A tiny what if. And I feel under pressure (time wise) to make a decision I don’t know i’m In the best frame of mind to make. I have spent today half wishing a miscarriage would be the best thing all round. I feel like such a coward!
Has anyone had an abortion and would be willing to share their experience?

Oh hun. My heart breaks for you. Quite similar story to you. I've decided i'm going ahead with the pregnancy though.

Take a minute and breathe. What do you actually want to do?
Do YOU want this baby? Whether with partner or raising alone?
Can you provide for baby financially?

I am very much pro-choice but i personally just couldn't do it. I was so scared to tell my Husband that i did it over the phone while he was at work!

Go visit your gp or nurse and get some advice. They can get you into counsiling, quickly to help you make peace with whatever discison you make. Pm me if you'd like to talk. Zz