Constant clashes with Mum

[Snipples]

I'm not really sure what I'm looking for here or how to word this thread but dear god my mother is doing my nut in. I feel like she takes everything and anything that's going on with me and the pregnancy and makes it all about herself.

Today for instance I've been quite ill with hyperemises - I'm keeping an eye on it but it's fine. Not as serious as previous episodes and I feel ok. Told Mum. She's been constantly harassing me about how "I have her heart broken" I need to "please think of the baby" "seek treatment ASAP and then let her know right away" she is "worried sick" etc etc. I then spend all my time having to constantly reassure her. Sh makes it out like I'd take needless risks with mine or the baby's health.

Last year I had two miscarriages. She told all her friends even though I asked her to keep it private. She kept posting cryptic messages about "infant loss" and "footprints on her heart" all over Facebook. When I pulled her on it (as it basically pointed the finger to me as my brother has children already and looked quite obvious that Mum had been personally affected by it etc) she got all arsey and huffy and said she has been personally affected by it and can grieve how she wants. 🙄

I know I probably sound like a raging bitch and maybe I'm just hormonal but she's really starting to piss me off. Its all my grandchild this, my grandchild that and I feel like she just turns anything into something about her and then dines out on the sympathy for ages with her friends.

Anyone else have this or should I just suck it up?

I just wouldn't tell her anything. It's how I was with my mum as I knew she'd be exactly the same. Didn't tell her abouty miscarriage or that we were trying, or that I was pregnant until after the scan or anything. Any time she asked if just say "bit tired but doing well".

It's so annoying isn't it.

I've already decided not to tell her anything about when I'm in labour as she will just demand to know everything or end up love tweeting the whole thing to her mates.

I'm getting annoyed at myself too as I'm aware I have a short fuse with her and I know this is just her way but it's so frustrating all the time!!

God that would drive me mad!! I don't have much advice I'm afraid other than to maybe start distancing yourself from her with the details. I used to be very close to my Dad prior to dc and speak to him everyday about everything but shit hit the fan when DC1 arrived when they were both completely overriding every single boundary possible. In hindsight I think they were very confused on what their position was.

Even when my 2 week old baby was in hospital having life saving surgery it was all about them, "were so stressed, let us know if we can help" telling everyone all the details even though we'd asked them not to because we weren't sure of the outcome, plus it's just personal. The one time I asked for some help to get some bits, they had a poor excuse.

I keep the details very limited nowadays and speak far less often! Hopefully that might help?

Sounds similar to my mum. Things are always about her, she's always a victim, she always knows best and she's a control freak ...its so tiring. You definitely don't sound like a raging bitch to me! You have my upmost sympathy.

I choose not to tell my mum very much. She goes on about how secretive I am and I how I should be more open with her ...but I know this is just for her own benefit because she's so nosey and controlling.

She's already pre-warned me about how upset she'll be if I don't allow her to come to the hospital when the baby is born and how she wants to be the first to know about the birth. She calls me weird because I won't tell her the name we've picked even though I know she'll tell everyone (and will have some opinion on it that I don't want to hear!!).

Unfortunately our mums aren't going to change. I try my best to humour her and take most of what she says with a pinch of salt. She gets very angry when I call her out so for an easy life I just try to ignore her comments as much as possible. Sorry its not the best advice but just know that you're not alone x

You have my sympathies, my mother is exactly the same. I’m having a very tough pregnancy and she just sighs down the phone me at any time I am honest about how I am feeling, then I end up feeling guilty.

I’m in so much pain every day and when I ask her how she is she’ll complain about the weather, and I want to scream!! I wish the weather was my biggest concern!

Oh my sympathies here too OP, my mum told every man and his dog about my miscarriage. Now I'm pregnant again and it's high risk so I've. It told her we had a bit of a scare as it'll be all over before I know it! I'd recommend being economical with the truth - as much as you feel comfortable doing so

I find it helps to remember that everyone is the star in the tv show that is their own life. So even if you are doing something incredibly important and where you think you should take precedence it really is just a storyline in their life to them.

So your pregnancy is happening to your Mum as far as she is concerned.

I agree with PP on tactics - only tell her what you're happy with being shared or her making about her.

Oh I'm so glad it's not just me and that some of you know what it's like. I really thought I'd be told to wind my neck in. Just makes me determined not to be like this with my own daughter when she is born.

It's so true that she thinks my pregnancy is happening to her - drives me mad!

Sorry to everyone who has suffered losses and difficult pregnancies and had to deal with overbearing mothers at the same time. Does make me feel better that I'm not the only one though!

Omg I feel your pain! My mum is a total nightmare.

It’s all about her. It was the same when I got married. All about how the baby/wedding effects her. It’s my baby!

She’s fallen out with me over several things.

1. Because I decided to wait till Xmas to tell my brother because I thought it would be a nice surprise ( this involved her staying quiet for approx ten days)

1. Because I did a yoga class that involves raising my hands above my head (causes miscarriages apparently)

1. Because I asked her to stay at my brothers house instead of mine over Xmas because I had severe morning sickness

1. Because I told my mother in law I had a doctors appointment before telling her (nothing major just a blood test) - she’s mega jealous of my mil

1. Because I’m keeping the names a secret (she’s so opinionated that I know she’ll say something rude if she doesn’t like them)

The list goes on. Then there’s all the general stuff. I Had a glass of wine and a bite of Brie. Bad idea. I’m doing to much exercise. I need to buy a different size cot. Im not prepared yet.., I only have four months to get all the things o need...She just can’t help commenting on everything and it’s never positive.

Like many of the posters on here I deal with it by blanking her sometimes. Then she gets really pissed of and accuses recognise cutting her out. If she does manage to keep her mouth shut she lashes out at something else or says something passive aggrsssive like, ‘well I don’t know why you are calling you don’t value my advice anyway.’

We are currently not talking after a particularly barbed comment she made on Sunday. Basically I’ve just told her that her behaviour has to change or we don’t talk for the rest of the pregnancy. I’ll update her but I’m not putting up with it.

Like other posters I deal with

It’s so frustrating isn’t it!! My mum was a bit like this in my last pregnancy. I’d come out of a scan and have like 6 missed calls/messages - “we were so worried, why haven’t you updated us yet, what’s wrong, why have you been in there so long” (answer - nothing, the appointments were just running a late!). Then when I went over my due date she was ringing every few hours for 6 days straight getting annoyed when I didn’t have an update for her! They live 350 miles away and I asked could we have a few days at home after baby was born. She agreed then called when I was waiting to be discharged from hospital “where are you - we are waiting in car outside your house!”

So I’ve learned my lesson and this time I won’t tell her anything. I didn’t tell her I was pregnant until after scan, and I wouldn’t tell her if I’d have miscarried. I’ve even lied about my due date, telling her is two weeks later!

My mum is like this too. I feel like a bit of an idiot that I’m only just realising this is part of her personality.
She either completely ignores me or smothers me.

I couldn't cope with this. I'd just stop telling her anything unless absolutely necessary.

I had this last time I was pregnant. Turned into a full on row the night before I gave birth (10 days overdue) as I'd asked her politely to stop repeatedly asking for updates. Apparently I was trying to make it all about me

This time I barely tell her anything about the pregnancy and it's loads better. She complains that I'm too secretive but it's this way or the highway.

God I can't believe some of these stories. I didn't tell Mum I was pregnant until 16 weeks (we live abroad so I was able to get away with it). She was very keen to come over for the birth but I told her no as obvs we don't know when exactly it will be and I don't potentially want her here for 5 weeks or something! I'm already dreading when she does come over as I think she will just completely take over.

She said if we want to go away for three nights she will take the baby for us - ie we leave it with her at like 3 weeks old. I said no way. My brother basically kept contact to a minimum when his son was born and I feel like my mum is trying to "fix things" with my baby but it's just so annoying.

Definitely telling her less will be the way forward.

Sil, is that you...???

My mil is the exact same way. If you are too relaxed you have to “take care of that baby” or if you are too stressed you have to “relax for the baby.” Working hard? “Take it easy.” Going easy? “You just have to get on with it...”

We aren’t close.

Mum, in contrast, is a dream.

Oh god yes! And if I express the slightest comment I need to calm down and stop getting worked up, stressing myself out etc. I'm not stressed or worked up, I'm just expressing an opinion.

I tell ya, it's a cruel cruel thing that you can't have copious amounts of wine when pregnant!!

Your mothers all sound absolutely crazy.

I know you probably won’t agree but to some extent at least they care and are excited?

My Mum has barely spoken to me in weeks. Didn’t think to ask how my 20 week scan went and check on midwife appointments. It’s my first baby and she’s just not interested at all. It upsets me as I can talk to friends and my husband but it’s not the same as having your Mum involved.