Should be happy but just not......don't know what to do.....

[dontwanttobeheremaryjane]

OK so sorry this might be a long one but I just need to vent, rant, or just say it out loud!

I'm nearly 17 weeks with my 3rd child.
First 2 with ex-husband
New bump with new partner

I just don't feel happy. I've suffered with anxiety and depression before but I don't want to talk to midwife/Dr as I don't want meds in pregnancy.

So much is just upsetting me. Everything.

Life with my partner isn't plain sailing. We are only about 18months in, and although I love him more than anything, I truly do. We've had a lot of issues. He has lied a lot to me about his online activity, not physically cheating but the hurt and sentiment is the same. I'm struggling to deal with him telling me he's stopped and that he won't do again; trust issues.

He's mega excited about baby and yes it was planned. I am now struggling with fact my life is going to change. Right now I'm the wrong side of 35 and I love my life, love my job, the fact we have every other weekend of just being us (with kids are with dad) and we have a wonderful time, we are comfortable financially and this is all going to change.
He wanted baby more than me, although I did agree.....he's got daughter but only sees her every other weekend and wants to be full time dad so badly I wanted to give him that chance.

Just I'm so sad right now. Feel so low. I'm not excited, if anything I'm grieving for the life I'm going to lose. When I left my husband of 16 years I wanted more to life, and I found that with my partner.

Sorry. I know I should be grateful for this life I am carrying but I am just struggling to feel happy about anything. Struggling with anything to do with partner and trust, although he has been spot on for months and months, as far as I know. He's a massive support and trying to do everything to make me happy.

I just feel so low and sad. Maybe feel better tomorrow, who knows.

Sorry and please don't trash me. Nothing nice to say please move on. Just need to know if I'm not alone, if anyone else ever felt like this, or can offer anything helpful for me to do to feel better..

Well done for writing down how you feel and putting it out there. It's so important to realise how we feel about things.

It sounds like actually, although there are some pluses in your relationship, that you feel quite insecure and unsafe in it. As a pregnant woman it is understandable why this would make you feel anxious. Do you worry that if the shit hits the fan that you'll end up as a single mother to 3? Because that's a big worry in the pit of your stomach. Just reading between the lines here and I could be well off base.

You might also be experiencing prenatal depression. You sound very blue. If the pregnancy was planned then either you felt forced into it, or you were happy with your choice. So with that in mind, why are you suddenly feeling so down about it? I definitely think it's worth discussing your feelings with your midwife. I know you say you don't want medication during pregnancy but also bear in mind the other benefits of talking to them. They'll be able to offer some support and will be able to look out for postnatal depression. With having other children you'll also want to be the best that you can manage for them might help.

Have you talked to your partner about how you're feeling?

Thanks.

I have spoken to him lots about it all. I switch from wanting to leave him to stop feeling so insecure and just make all these feelings go away, to wanting to marry him to feel better! He's super good and says all the right stuff to me, but he cna't say right for wrong and I know I'm being totally unfair to him also in this. He is being understanding for the moment, but then again I worry I'm going to push him away. Again I do tell him this all. He does know how low and down I am feeling. He is trying his best for me, I do know he is.

I did want a baby but now the reality is just making me realise whats to come and I do want a baby. I wasn't forced into it. But I did think very very stupidly that it would make me feel more secure with him and in fact it's made me feel worse.

So confused I know. I just want to stop crying today.

I don’t think you wanted the baby and this is the source of your upset. Nothing you have said is positive or happy to be pregnant, quite the reverse. Now you are here, and you are having a baby it doesn’t need to be the end of your lifestyle and comforts. You can slot your baby into your new life. Try to get some support, it’s really important to open up in RL. You don’t have to be on meds but emotional support will be key

I did want the baby. I do want the baby. Thats whats so confusing about how I am feeling.

I am talking to my partner but I'm not sure he honestly gets it and as some of my biggest upset comes from his actions it's hard as he can't say right for wrong.

Just upset, sure I'll feel better tomorrow.

Do talk to your gp or midwife. They will not jump straight to meds, especially since you're pregnant. They can refer you to all sorts of helpful services.
I tested positive the day I went to the gp to up my anti depressants. Didn't get the meds (obviously) but walked out with a referral for cbt and the perinatal mental health service and was in therapy before the end of the week. Being pregnant gets you straight to the top of the waiting list!
Now 15 weeks on I am much more relaxed and able to enjoy my pregnancy. I see a psychologist once a week for cbt and there is always someone on the end of the phone if needed.
Do, do speak to someone. You deserve to enjoy this time.

I had this with dd2. After 2 mc I was very surprised at how depressed I was during the pregnancy and teary I was.

She was very much wanted but I kept thinking during the pregnancy I wished I'd stuck to one etc.

The second she was born the depression lifted and although I was concerned about it, I didn't suffer pnd at all.

Your post is really ringing bells with me OP. I’m expecting baby number two and whilst planned, I just don’t feel happy about it. I feel exactly like you in terms of the fears about my life being turned upside down. I don’t feel emotionaly ready for this child and I feel so bloody awful admitting that. I’m in tears quite a bit at the moment and whilst DH is trying to understand I’m just getting irritated at his lack of being able to make me feel better. I want to run for the hills quite frankly and I feel trapped in my position. Apologies for hijacking your post but I wanted to let you know you are not alone. I keep thinking my feelings must be down to my hormones but I’m not sure and that’s making me feel worse.

All due respect, OP, but I think you're being too hard on yourself and your reactions here. It's not at all surprising that you feel insecure and upset given that your relationship is still quite new and your partner has already betrayed your trust, more than once by the sound of it. Who wouldn't feel massively vulnerable in that situation, especially with the major stressor to a new relationship that is a baby? What's a few months of being "good" when your trust should never have been betrayed in the first place?

While I really hope it works out for you, I think perhaps your body and brain are sending you some important signals about your relationship that shouldn't be written off to pregnancy hormones and/or you being unreasonable. I also second PPs' suggestions that you seek some talking support via your midwife or GP - maybe you do have antenatal depression but even if you do medication isn't the only option and someone to talk to is likely to be helpful.

@Chocness

Can we run together as right now that feels like one of my only options......xx

thanks for all comments. We will how I feel over next few days and then decide about seeing midwife etc. Hopeful just one of those days....