Husband doesn't understand

[CRZ1988]

Hello,

I'm after some advice (and a bit of a rant) to help my husband to understand the issues surrounding pregnancy and tiredness.

A little back story - my husband is in the military and as such has a large amount of self discipline which has become detrimental to his health a number of times.
He often works very long hours (the other week he started at 0800 and finished at 0200 the following morning) just to get a task finished. Often these are important tasks which does warrant his need to stay in work but he doesn't do down time very well.

He is always playing on his mobile phone, he has health anxiety issues and can't stay off google (further exacerbated by my uncle who has terminal cancer and now DH thinks he is going to have cancer) and is a regular (daily) gym-goer often waking up multiple times at 6am to go before work.

My issues are that he will stay up late to watch TV until gone 11pm, then get up early to go to the gym, have a full taxing day at work and then complain hes tired.

Hes been out drinking twice in the last fortnight after work and come home and had screaming rows with me about me not pulling my weight around the house. The other week I was literally on the floor hyperventilating in tears after spending most of the week with my head down the toilet vomiting with MS or curled up on the sofa asleep.

He did the same last night. He said to me "alcohol is good because it helps me take my mind off things". I immediately told him that was not a good thing to say and in fact one of the worst things I'd ever heard him say. He said I don't do enough around the house and that the stuff I'd been asked to do at work (I work full time as a PA mainly to two high ranking officers but also to around 4 sometimes 5 other officers) was simple and I should be able to cope with it, that life is going to get more difficult and I need to pull my weight around the house.

I ended up in tears again and went to bed at 8.45pm and woke up at 7am this morning feeling like death.

How can I make him understand how damn tired I am and how this is quite unfair what he's doing.

Is he being unfair? Am I being too soft?

This is my first pregnancy, I'm 29.

It sounds lien neither of you are communicating your needs very well.
I think you need to have an in depth talk about both your roles and responsibilities.
Shouting and screaming and crying won’t achieve anything except resentment .

I wouldn't bother trying to make him understand. If you're having screaming rows that would be too toxic for me.

I'd be off somewhere else where I can sleep and be a bit a bit crap about housework until the first trimester tiredness wears off. To be clear I wouldn't then go back to him, I'd just enjoy the second trimester by myself without a horrible bully in the house.

If he's like this now he's not going to be any more supportive when you're post parting with a newborn and exhausted.

How does he know how tiring it is to be pregnant? He doesn't!! He should listen to how you're feeling... And Google it because it mentions it on all good pregnancy websites (Inc NHS).

When I went 30 hours to Australia I thought I was tired but it was NOTHING compared to first trimester of pregnancy!!

Your DH would hate me 😂 I went to bed at 7.30 last night woke up at 6am and I am still knackered. I'm lucky I guess and my DP is really sympathetic to my tiredness and sickness but is sitting down with your husband and explaining to him, referencing the NHS site etc worth it? Or when you go for your next midwife appointment taking him with you and telling the midwife how tired you've been for her to tell you to take it easy in front of him?
There's no magic was of explaining to him how horrible is first trimester tiredness is if he isn't willing to listen. It's something he will never have a reference point for!
Good luck x

Tell him he’s a selfish cunt. Or show him my message calling him a selfish cunt.

You’re making an actual human with your body. It’s fucking EXHAUSTING! My partner is ex military and he has discipline engrained and he understands - don’t use it as an excuse for your partners OCD and douchebaggery. In fact it makes him super helpful because he feels like he has purpose in looking after me when I’m pregnant as I can’t do as much and I’m just knackered constantly. He loves it, and makes him feel useful.

Perhaps if your husband wasn’t off being a dickhead looking after yourself he would have more energy to help you.

How’s he going to be when baby arrives? Then tiredness hits a whole new level and you need support like never before. Is he going to tell you to suck it up and you should be able to cope? It’s serious grounds for some post natal depression if he does shit like that.

Honestly i would stay WELL away

Is there an onbase/barracks councillor or one of his COs you can speak too in confidence?

Obviously in military his MH is closely watched and his behaviour isn't tolerated within ranks so why would it be tolerated at home.

If needed and possible, sign off and get away for a bit- it will come out when he has to answer to how you are and he doesn't know.