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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Breakup at 39 weeks

25 replies

Misswhitman · 09/03/2018 21:38

Not sure what I’m hoping to gain from this but I’m hoping to get some wise words from somewhere.

I am currently sat in bed after several hours of wailing at 39 weeks pregnant with my first baby.

My partner is currently awol having told me he would be home from the pub in 10 minutes and to choose a film for us to watch. This is after we had a fight about the fact he’s been in the pub all day today, he cried and said sorrry he’s been useless, then went back to the pub 2 hours later. I feel so helpless. I’m not this person that gets walked over or cries down the phone begging her partner to come home. This happens every weekend and I’m so scared to be a single mum but I can’t keep doing this. He’s also taken the car and the keys so should I need to go to hospital now I’d be locked out. His phone is off and nobody can reach him.

I’m just feeling so helpless.

OP posts:

Fidgety31 · 09/03/2018 21:40

Sounds like he is having last minute panic before baby comes
I’d be angry but try and understand his nerves too

sirlee66 · 09/03/2018 21:45

Aww OP. I'm sorry you're upset! If he is like this every weekend, you know what to expect of him. I take it he was also like this before you conceived?

My only advice is, if he won't change this habit for you now, you may have to live with the fact it won't change and so you'll have to decide if that's something you can live with.

All the very best of luck for you and your baby whatever you choose to do.

Baby2018 · 09/03/2018 21:46

I hope he won't drink and drive.

Thats v stressful bless you, has he spoken much about his feelings about having a baby? Is he anxious about it do you know? thats the only thing I can think of as a possible reason.

Personally if it were me and I was really starting to feel worn down by it Id take mine and my babies health as a priority and go and stay with a friend or family member. Position it as I need to be with someone who can care for me properly. I suppose then he'll either get it together or you'll know if he doesn't it's better without. Thats very very easy for me to say theoretically of course, must be v tough, sending you a virtual hug.

HopeAndJoy16 · 09/03/2018 21:46

I'm so sorry your partner has put you in this situation OP . It's really shit. He is behaving completely irresponsibly, and I would be irate too. Do you have any friends or family to go with you to hospital if you do go into labour? Do you have other support generally? It would be worth mentioning the lack of support from your partner to your midwife or health visitor, just so they can support you the best they can. you and your baby deserve better x

AnnieAnoniMouse · 09/03/2018 21:52

39 weeks pregnant & single is better than 39 weeks pregnant & with a complete wanker.

I’d report him to the Police for drink driving & I’d ask them to keep him overnight, then tomorrow I’d pack him a bag & tell him to find somewhere else to live. After he hands me the car keys.

You don’t need any of this shit when you have a newborn to look after. It’s far easier on your own, than with a selfish, stupid, irresponsible twat.

You’ll be fine 💐

Prettylovely · 09/03/2018 21:55

Wow he sounds so selfish, Have you got a back up partner for labour?

Original poster

Misswhitman · 09/03/2018 23:47

Thank you all for being so supportive. It’s hard when someone is constantly gaslighting you not to start to believe you’re over reacting. He rolled in at 10 and was completely nonchalant. Then he told me he was unhappy, not with anything in his life he’s just unhappy, but won’t go get help unless I go with him. I don’t know how much longer I can continue to be an emotional punch bag while he self medicated with alcohol and makes stupid decisions.

OP posts:

SoleBizzz · 09/03/2018 23:55

Leave him.

applesandpears56 · 09/03/2018 23:57

Probably a massive amount of pre baby nerves on his part - and yours - did you judge his behaviour extra as you know he’ll be a dad soon and will have to be responsible? A lot of men like to have one last blow out before baby arrives
Think how nervous you are about the baby arriving and how your life will change - he feels the same
That being said it’s no excuse for acting like a dick
But generally go to bed - stop thinking about being a single mum - tomorrow everything will have calmed down a notch and likelihood is this will get sorted
Make a decision about your relationship when you are calm and in control - not now

applesandpears56 · 09/03/2018 23:59

Ps resolving to go and stay with a friend or family member tomorrow is a good idea

toasterstrudle · 10/03/2018 03:58

Agree with others it's probably pre-baby anxieties but that's very selfish of him, you're the one whose body has massively changed and has impending labour!

Practically, I would have cash ready for a taxi just in case and a standby birthing partner on hand. I would also have a big chat with your partner about what you expect of him (sober, answers/checks phone regularly) and tell him if he can't commit to that then he needs to tell you now. You need someone reliable for the next few weeks.

Good luck. Late pregnancy is a shit time as it is without other stresses. But I promise when you're settled into life with your baby you forget the last bit and it's all worth it.

TwiceAsNice22 · 10/03/2018 04:47

If it’s every weekend it doesn’t sound like pre baby nerves! And seriously what a cop out to say it is!

My ex did this to me. Every single weekend during my high risk pregnancy. He even did this after we were told that the babies could come any day (and possibly be nearly 3 months prem) The stress it caused me was unbelievable. And the damage it did to our relationship was permanent (I certainly haven’t just forgotten it). It was selfish behaviour, not pre baby nerves.

I’m sorry you are going through this, he shouldn’t be treating you this way. I think you need to get the practical stuff in place and then really talk to him, put some firm boundaries in place. Hopefully he will grow up.

laura1306 · 11/03/2018 09:41

This sounds very similar to me. Still haven't seen my partner since yesterday morning and was the same Thursday morning to Friday night and last weekend. He's out all of the time and I'm due to be induced Wednesday and having a very high risk pregnancy spending most of my time in hospital at the moment! Having to have my mum look after 1st child when I'm up for tests as he isn't interested in pulling his weight and really struggling as to whether to even let him be at the birth or involved in the end of this pregnancy! My mum is so much more supportive and I'm spending a lot of nights sleeping here now and not hearing from him.

laura1306 · 11/03/2018 09:44

And that isn't pre baby nerves that's just lack of interest and being 100% arsehole. I've had the tears off my partner and everything and then nothing has changed! It's easier said than done though to end it especially at the end of a pregnancy. I wondered whether to wait it out and see if he becomes interested after the baby has been born but then also that's testimony to the fact it isn't you that's he's interested in or supporting or bothered about it's just the novelty of a newborn! Sorry to rant about myself but I am having the exact same situation and hearing somebody in the same boat makes me feel less alone about what's going on.

mintich · 11/03/2018 09:49

My partner didn't go on a stag do at 37 weeks as he was worried I'd go into labour. He shouldn't be going out drinking this close to the birth.

surreygirl1987 · 11/03/2018 14:45

Is her suffering from depression though? Maybe he does need help...

FranticallyPeaceful · 11/03/2018 15:04

I’ve got no time for people who are wondering about his mental health state. Come the fuck on. He’s being selfish regardless. If you’ve suffered from mental health issues you will know it doesn’t make you a fucking arsehole.

He’s having a selfish breakdown of sorts. It doesn’t matter what his reasons are because you’re 39 weeks pregnant so whatever feelings he’s harbouring he should be talking it out with you or swallowing them until you’ve had your baby and settled down. Like a real grown up. Maybe had he talked before he wouldn’t be acting like a child and thinking about his own needs of alcohol and space right now.

Jesus wept.

surreygirl1987 · 11/03/2018 17:16

@FranticallyPeaceful if your comment was aimed at me... please don't tell me to 'come the fuck on'. It's fine to disagree but it's not fine to be abusive in such a way.

And yes I have suffered from mental health issues in the past. I also had a colleague commit suicide last week. Depression is a very real issue and those depressed do need help.

Regardless of whether the man in question is suffering from depression or not though... I really think you need to alter your manner of speaking on forums to something perhaps less aggressive.

applesandpears56 · 11/03/2018 17:52

I agree Surrey girl - frantically you can tone down your language. Strong points don’t need to be so abusive - they’ll be heard

FranticallyPeaceful · 11/03/2018 17:53

Lol. Told off on a forum for swearing. Do fuck off.

PerspicaciaTick · 11/03/2018 17:59

Why don't you have your own set of house keys? If you stay living with him, then you need your own keys.

It does sound like he is a selfish sod, I doubt having a new baby around will improve him ( new babies tend to make relationships worse, not better). Do you have a plan B for support and accommodation should you decide you would rather go it alone?

Original poster

Misswhitman · 11/03/2018 21:36

I do have my own set of house keys, he took my car and my keys were on it but also took his keys.

He is struggling emotionally and has agreed to go to therapy but only if I come with him. We don’t need couples therapy he needs individual therapy to get past his stuff. I have agreed to stay with him as long as he resolves to get help, but I told him I won’t keep enabling him if he can’t help himself. It’s weird it’s like a switch has gone off and I’ve pulled back from it all. I have been depressed in the past and I’m a mental health worker, but I have to have boundaries to the level of support I’m willing to offer.

So sorry to hear other people are going through the same kind of thing. I just feel so stupid sometimes that I got myself into this position. I’m so sensible and so headstrong that to find myself at 39 weeks pregnant being walked all over is hard for me to take. It did break my heart when he said to me that I’m the love of his life and that his son is the best thing that could ever happen to him and that the business is going well but he’s so unhappy and he doesn’t know why or how to fix it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Misswhitman · 11/03/2018 21:38

Fortunately it’s my flat so if things were to end it’s as easy as packing him a suitcase. I realise how privileged I am to have the ability to walk away if I need to.

OP posts:

TwiceAsNice22 · 11/03/2018 22:41

Misswhitman, don’t feel stupid! You have done nothing wrong. He’s making the choice to behave this way. I think the biggest mistake I made was not telling my family and friends what was going on because I was embarrassed to be treated that way. It was also a shock when you are treated badly by someone you care about, especially when you are in a vulnerable position. His behaviour is not a reflection of you though.

I think it’s good that he recognises that something is wrong, I really hope he makes changes and things work out. If they don’t just remember it is easier to do it on your own than stay in a toxic relationship (I have definitely found being a single mother to young twins much easier than being with my ex, by far). And I found amazing support once I told people what was going on, that made a huge difference! Good luck with everything :)

Cornishclio · 12/03/2018 12:43

You have to put yours and your baby's health first. An alcoholic partner who sounds like he will be of little help is no good to you. I suggest you line up a replacement support network for the birth and early days after baby is born. Maybe your parents or a friend or sibling? I would not make drastic decisions right at this moment but you need someone you can depend on when you go into labour. I am not sure your boyfriend is up to it.

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