Am I being unreasonable?? Pregnancy announcement

[KEG973]

My Mum wanted me to tell a couple of her best friends that I am expecting. I have no problem with that, we tried for 9 months and are utterly thrilled. I told her we were expecting and she said “how far along” i said “5 weeks” and she said “oh thats very early. Dont be getting
Excited or going lut and buying anything. Do you know that 25% of all first pregnancies end in miscarriage”.
I couldnt get out of the room quick enough, then cried sore for an hour.
I get she may have her own concerns but even if the worst happened my Mum would tell them anyway. And I just dont understand why she would react so insensitively and negatively. How dare anyone tell me when i feel the right time is to announce MY pregnancy.

Am i bring totally unfair? (Hard
To tell very emotional at the minute!)

When I went to my GP at the same stage he gave me the doom and gloom talk and although to a degree I know it’s his job it was still hard to hear. So I can imagine it’s even worse to hear off your mum. Just stay positive and try and enjoy the pregnancy as much as you can.

My GP suggested we didn’t tell anyone until 12 weeks, we went against this and told our parents and very close friends as like you said they are the people you will need anyway. I guess your mum is just trying to protect you, but do what feels right for you. Maybe mention to your mum that she’s hurt your feelings and you are just excited and wanted to share the whole journey with her- it’s so nice to have people looking out for you in a the early stages especially when you’re feeling under the weather and worried yourself!

Thanks for the reply. Thats very true indeed. I would expect it from a Doctor but hopefully more sensitively.

Sorry I wasnt very clear. It wasnt my mum that reacted like this (she was over the moon) it was her friend

I would only tell people that I wouldn't mind telling if I have a miscarriage. But thats my experience, I have had 6 miscarriages so that's different I guess. Maybe she haa been through something similar and wants to protect you a little.

I find it weird that you have to tell her friend that you're pregnant. It could have waited till you felt like telling. And you can buy anything you like, that's part of the fun.

Anyway, congratulations with your pregnancy!

To be honest I'd probably have thought similar to what she said but not voiced it out loud. I imagine she has experienced loss or someone close to her has for her to react like that. When I miscarried my first pregnancy I actually ended up telling a lot of people who didn't know I was pregnant because I needed the support so don't feel bad for telling people.

Thanks guys that has made me feel better. I am fairly opionated and know my own mind but would be very sensitive toward othersand know when to keep my mouth shut. It was the pure insensitivity that annoyed me, and the fact I hadnt really wanted to tell her. Mum wanted me to because she was sl excited for us and i think wanted to share that so she felt absloutly awful when her friend reacted that way. Argh i know she is right in what she said but does she not think i worry about that every day? I do. It wont change how excitedI am now that after months of trying we got that BFP.

bfbud-im really really sorry for your loss. Thats just awful :(

Happened - yes thats what my husband said, you need support if you miscarry, why? Becuase wether it was two days or 8 weeks the minute you see those two lines you are so over the moon.

I think the whole pregnancy in case of miscarriage silence thing is a bit odd.

I’ve had 7 miscarriages. They aren’t my fault or anything I should be ashamed about. Not telling before 12 weeks won’t protect me from it nor will telling ‘tempt fate’ somehow.

I’m fact, if I was to have a miscarriage (which is entirely independent of who I tell) then I might well need some support, or at the very least people to understand if I’m not my cheery self.

I told whoever it was relevant to tell whenever we had a miscarriage. If it makes other people uncomfortable that’s their issue. I wouldn’t lie about my auntie’s death to make someone else feel better. I wouldn’t think it was tempting fate if I told you my auntie was enjoying her new job.

Sorry, someone stole your joy. I think it’s pretty f**king great. Congratulations!!

I see what you mean OP. I bet your mum was pretty annoyed at her too - what a way to rain on your parade! Congratulations and best of luck in your pregnancy.

She was very rude and you’re not being unreasonable being upset.
I can see that she was probably thinking she was trying to manage your expectations but there’s ways of doing that without being a twat.
My mum seemed very cool when I told her about my pregnancy. She had been there for all of our ups and downs so was always very cautious. She had her own miscarriages and struggled to conceive. But I know how delighted she really was and each time we got good news (Scans etc) she was so relieved she cried!
If this woman has been close to your mum and you then she may well just want you to be prepared. But to be honest, even if she isn’t and Just said it to be a dick I wouldn’t dwell on it. You’ve got much happier things to concentrate on.
Congratulations x

I totally agree with @Mummyontherun86.

I'm on a bit on the fence on this one. I think she definitely could have said it more tactfully, but I think she probably really was trying to be kind - I think she probably thought that, given you were telling quite distant people (your mum's friends) you really might not realise how uncertain a pregnancy is in its early stages (if you look on Mumsnet you can see that lots of people do think that positive pregnancy test=baby, either because they think miscarriage is much rarer than it is or because they assume it won't happen to them) and so that she really might be protecting you by managing your expectations. Realistically, most people wouldn't say it but I think most people would be having similar thoughts at an excited announcement at 5 weeks.

I had three miscarriages, all early, before my current pregnancy, and while I completely agree that there should be less taboo about talking about it for those who want to, there is also a reason that most people don't tell the world early. You get some pretty shit comments from even very close friends/family ('at least you can get pregnant', 'in the past you wouldn't even have known', 'but it wasn't a real pregnancy, was it?' 'oh, so like a bad period') so if you've told a lot more people you're going to have to put up with a lot more well-meaning but upsetting comments. Dealing with an early miscarriage can leave you second-guessing your feelings a lot - am I overreacting? - so there's a reason most women don't want to deal with that in public. If you miscarry and then want to tell people you absolutely can - but if you're telling people while pregnant then you take the future choice away from yourself.

Congratulations OP!

I think a lot of people would think this but they wouldn't say it out loud, so it was wrong of her - but I'd assume she meant well, but she was out of order upsetting you like this.

I think your mum was also BU to ask you to to tell friends this early, as others have said there is a reason people don't announce to everyone until after third trimester.

I'm currently 11 weeks, so far I have told two close colleagues at work early on (who I would not hesitate to confide in should the worst happen), and my DB and SIL just yesterday (for a very specific reason re future plans they were making). We haven't told either set of parents, other family or any of our best friends. We'll do that after the scan in two weeks. The four people i have told, I wouldn't mind telling if I had a miscarriage, for some reason I don't think i'd want to tell my parents and definitely not my in laws (they would take it very badly and be more devastated than us I'm sure). That's the rule of thumb i use anyway.

However, the fact that you are happy to share your amazing news is your choice and no one should rain on your parade like that. She was being very unreasonable.

She could’ve been more tactful, but in the nicest possible way I think a lot of people would think along the same lines (if only kept to themselves!) at such an early pregnancy announcement

Having had a fairly early miscarriage myself I was glad we hadn’t shared what had been our happy news too far afield as it would’ve made life a lot harder personally

Sometimes when you tell people that early, it becomes the longest pregnancy ever.

OP I understand completely. I have been considerably underwhelmed, and at times hurt, by other people's reactions. I was very excited to tell my aunty (the closest thing to my mum who died when I was a child) but she had a similar reaction, I was 11 weeks at the time. Of course we know the risks, but it is their job to just say congratulations and be happy for us!

For what it's worth, congratulations OP, I'm really pleased for you

Aw thanks ladies!! I really appreciate the kind words and congratulation. And good to know other women have been there too and think it is unkind. For a while before posting I really thought maybe it was just me being overly emotional.

I think you were overly emotional tbh. She didn't tell you you would miscarry, she told you the truth, that a pregnancy at this point may not progress. She was trying to help you.

Congratulations!

It was downright rude of this woman to say what she said.

I announced my first pregnancy at six weeks. Unfortunately, I did miscarry (and had four more losses before the birth of my ds.

However, I didn't regret telling people, although some of their responses were even more unkind than your mum's friend's comments.

If I'm honest, I did keep my successful pregnancy a secret until I was about 13 weeks and had had two positive scans. Even then, I only told close family.

I never really mentioned it to anyone after that - people heard the news so I left it at that.

Some people knew nothing until I announced the birth!

I say this, not to scare you, but to say why some people are not always positive about v early announcements.

Congrats! I think your mum was VVU in wanting to tell her friends. I think they were trying to be logical & not get too excited as it is so early & not realised how insensitive they were.

Agree with pps to some extent but I've had 3 miscarriages & felt different each time as to who I'd want to know about it.

Hope all goes well Op, emotions will be all over the place from here on in!

To be honest I'd probably have thought similar to what she said but not voiced it out loud.

^This

I 100% agree with @Mummyonthrun86.

Having support when things are good, and when things are shit is surely more important than any saving face that might happen by suffering in silence should the worst happen,

The issue is your mother was the one pushing for you to let her tell her friends the second she knew, but you were expected to keep a lid on your excitement. Why the disparity?