Pregnancy blues, a little disappointed with friends

[sunandfire]

28+4 weeks, 24-years-old and a first time mum-to-be. Something has been bugging me lately, and I suppose I'm just wondering if others have experienced this kind of disengagement from their friends during pregnancy.

I've always had a small social circle (2-3 friends), so I never expected to have one of those pregnancies where a whole bunch of girlfriends are buying me baby gifts and rubbing my belly. However, not a single one of my friends have made the effort to see me since I've been pregnant (I've only seen family and the people on my degree - not my actual, long term friends). Only one friend has shown an active interest in or engagement with my pregnancy (over messages), by regularly checking in with me, asking how I am, and asking how the pregnancy is going etc. She has a cousin who's just had a baby, so perhaps she's just more aware of the needs and appreciations of a pregnant woman than my other friends. She's also had quite a difficult life (kicked out at 14, estranged from her family, always moving from shared house to shared house), so perhaps she just has more of a humble, sensitive, down to earth nature, and her priorities are more aligned to mine right now. My other friends have shown almost no interest in or engagement with the pregnancy (even my best friend), which has been really quite disappointing. Before I became pregnant, it would be me visiting my best friend rather than her visiting me, so now that I'm pregnant it would require her to make the effort/journey because, well, I'm the pregnant one, so I'm a little restricted right now. Seems she got a little complacent with me being the one to visit her. I understand that people have their own lives, but she posts quite regularly on social media and she seems to be socialising quite a lot, indicating that she does have free time but I'm just not really a priority - quite a shame.

It's made me understand how it may come to be that people with kids tend to pair up with other friends with kids. Seems that friends who have never been pregnant/don't have kids just have vastly different priorities and can't seem to find the effort/interest to engage with their pregnant/mum friends.

Thing is, I love my friends dearly and know that they don't mean bad so I'd never actually bring this up to them. I'm really grateful for that one friend who messages me and checks up with me - I don't really count her in this.

Sorry, this has ended up being more of a rant, I'm just feeling a little down and was wondering if anyone else shares my feelings/experience?

X

Know how you feel, even whilst heavily pregnant, I was the one visiting people including family.

I couldn't care less if people weren't interested in my pregnancy, it was the fact that they wanted to see me but expected me to always travel to them.

I am also 24 and when telling some friends about my pregnancy, they reacted in a way I didn't expect. Not all of them were happy for me but just didn't understand why I would want this. (planned pregnancy btw!)
I understand this really, because they they are in their lives right now, a baby just does not fit. They see themselves as way too young for this. Some of them show a complete lack of awareness of pregnancy and what is it?! Maybe your friends are similar in that they are going and maybe aren't deliberately ignoring you etc. but just don't get it?!

So many typos sorry. At the end it's meant to say 'Maybe your friends are similar in that they are YOUNG and maybe aren't deliberately ignoring you etc. but just don't get it?!'

Totally get where your coming from... I still find I'm the one messaging my friends first, I'm the first one to be pregnant out of my group of friends and think your right about them having different priorities... I realised some of my friendships are more dependant on my efforts than theirs.

The ones that do message though I'm so grateful for! I know I can be over sensitive about it though (thanks hormones)

But you are definitely not alone in feeling this way .. I have just tried to come to terms with the fact that some friendships may change in the dynamic (after ranting about it to the husband and feeling sorry for myself for an hour 😂)

@Pointlessfacts I don't know how people can be comfortable with the thought of a heavily pregnant woman waddling her way to THEIR house each time, instead of them being the one to visit her.

It's not even that I expect people to be overjoyed, but it would be nice to be asked how many weeks I am, when my next scan is, if everything's going smoothly (I've had quite a few things to be concerned about in the pregnancy) etc every now and then. I'm just grateful that I have my partner. I can't imagine what single women must go through during these times, if they also have limited support form their friends.

I think it's a maturity thing and a sort of tribal mentality thing - I'm 41 and have a friend who is single and just disappears when you're pregnant. I think she finds it hard to know what to talk about but also knows I'm knackered.

I remember being much much younger (early 20s) and feeling like a pregnant friend was almost beyond my ability to relate to.

It is shit though. Could you reach out to them and suggest the odd coffee etc? I think the other thing is that at that age socialising for my group was very much evening drinking (a bit like my friend above) and it's not as easy to do when pregnant.

OP why are you restricted by being pregnant? I'm 28 weeks and still visiting friends some distance away.

Its a shame your friends are not more engaged, however pregnancy isn't really interesting to those not directly affected by it. The friends of mine that had offered most support and advice are those that had recently had children themselves. I'm guessing your friends aren't there yet, so in some ways don't 'get it'

OP I can understand why you feel a bit down about this but have to say, in my own experience anyway, pregnancy just isn’t that interesting for other people. Perhaps it doesn’t occur to them to ask about symptoms/scans etc, especially if they haven’t experienced it themselves. I’m pregnant with DC2 and don’t hear much from most of my friends (but I am/we are older than you and not in constant contact anyway so I appreciate it’s different).

Perhaps I'm expecting to much in terms of friends showing interest/engagement, but I guess that expectation is based on the fact that I feel I'd have no problem showing those things if they were the pregnant friend and I wasn't. Perhaps I shouldn't have expectations based on my own standards. I also find it a little hard to relate to the whole 'young, social person' thing because I pretty much skipped the whole socialising/drinking/partying stage of my late teens/twenties - never found enjoyment in any of those things.

@zaalitje I've had a really hard time this pregnancy with quite severe symptoms (until about 18 weeks it was extreme nausea/sickness keeping me housebound, now it's a combination of extreme fatigue and the fact that I always seem to be ill with colds due to the fact that the immune system is massively compromised during pregnancy and it's been flu season - I'm literally onto my third cold this year, right now).

Too much*

My friends haven't been involved in my pregnancy either and I'm in my 30s. I have 3 very close friends, none of them yet have children. We all have busy lives and I don't really expect them to give me any extra attention because of my pregnancy. I previously had a miscarriage and they did initially check in on me, but once I got past 12 weeks the messages of concern quickly disappeared.

I've arranged a little get together for us all before the baby arrives and did wonder if any of them would offer to arrange this for me, but then again why should they? Its not like I'm incapable ...it just would have been nice I guess.

I can understand where you're coming from, but I wouldn't let it upset you. I think its quite common, unless you friends also have children? You should still make an effort with your friend and travel to see her if you can.

Once you have your baby and go to different groups and classes you'll make friends who are in a similar situation / time of life and will understand you better and will hopefully offer you the support you feel you're currently lacking.

20 years and 34 weeks pregnant (unplanned but happily) and feel exactly the same way. They just don't seem to know how to handle with me. They didn't invite me to one of the groups birthday night outs a few weeks back which I can kind of understand as I obviously can't drink but also would have been nice to be invited. Think they just don't know what to say to a pregnant woman as it's so far away from where they are at the moment. In a few years time (several for me probably) your friends will most likely be knocking at the door begging for help and advice for their pregnancy/newborns as we will be their ultimate guides to it all having done it before them. We can sit back and laugh at them making all the mistakes we're going to make soon enough.

Thank you all for your responses. Perhaps I'm being a little sensitive (I'm quite a sensitive person in general). I've just felt my life suddenly close in and become just my mum and my boyfriend, which I suppose I wasn't really anticipating. It's fine, though - I'm quite looking forward to meeting other mum friends at the groups and classes! 😊

Making other mum friends*

@dkb15164 Aw, it must not have felt very nice being left out like that.

I mean, I know my friends mean well so I wouldn't go and wish bad for them, I just think they're just a little oblivious right now (which it seems is rightly so). Based on people's responses, it's quite common for friends (especially those who are young and/or without kids) to behave this way during a friend's pregnancy, so I guess it's on us to make a little more of an effort with them than we might be making. I guess we can't expect them to know how we're feeling about the matter, either.

sunandfire Congratulations on your pregnancy :) Sorry you feel like you have lost your friends a little. It is a shame you feel this way. They should be making effort with you and checking in, for sure. I would be disappointed too.

But, from someone who currently has friends who are pregnant or have been in the past... (and I don't mean to sound harsh here).. I have felt that a lot of them felt very "entitled" during their pregnancies and expected me to make more effort. Just because you are pregnant doesn't mean you shouldn't make any effort yourself. They are your friends just as much as you are theirs. Their world hasn't changed and your relationship hasn't changed. You are pregnant, that's all.

Pregnancy conversation gets a little boring quite quickly if you aren't pregnant or have children yourself. There is only so much you know or understand and it is hard to contribute as you have no idea what it's like to feel pregnant or plan for a baby. From my experience, conversations would always turn around to them and how they were feeling, how the baby is, how the nursery decoration was going etc.. and they never once asked me what was going in my life. I did get a little quieter during a couple of my friends pregnancies because I just got so tired of the conversation always being about them and their baby and I would have to fit my social calendar around them every time because they were pregnant.

Perhaps just bare that in mind and remember to make effort yourself and ask them how they are, find out what's going on in their life. You don't have to talk about your pregnancy every time you see or speak to them, so don't be offended if they don't ask every time. They probably miss the conversations you used to have about every day normal life!

Mmmm it's your pregnancy not theirs. there's not a lot to get excited about if it's not your pregnancy, it can be a long 9 months if you're constantly having to check in on friends pregnancies. As long as your excited nothing else really matters. Also being pregnant doesn't restrict you travelling, unless you think labour is imminent

@Frequentflyer1 thank you! 😊

I completely understand what you're saying, but I'm honestly not that kind of pregnant friend. I haven't said a peep about my pregnancy unless asked or promoted (the only things I did mention on my own accord were the fact that I was pregnant, and the sex of the child). I'm someone who's quite mindful of the needs/feelings of others, and I can easily sense when a person is getting bored in a conversation or feeling left out - in which case I'd change it (it's never even gotten to that point, because I've barely spoken about the pregnancy). The few times I've spoken to my friends, it's definitely been what's going on in their life that's dominated the conversation. The very last time I spoke to my best friend, the 1+ hour phone conversation was about a situation she was in with some guy, and I was providing friendly support (she was quite stressed/upset). In terms of checking up on them, asking how they are, seeing what's new in their life etc I definitely HAVE made the effort! I may not have physically seen them, but only because I've been bogged down with quite severe pregnancy symptoms. I suppose, as I've had quite a difficult pregnancy, it would have been nice to have the friendly support.

@allfurcoatsandnoknickers I don't expect anybody to be 'excited', it would just be nice to know that they're interested in my wellbeing during this time - that's all. Pregnancy CAN restrict you if you experience severe symptoms or complications, like I have. There's no one way of experiencing pregnancy. Some people have really easy pregnancies with almost no symptoms and very few aches and pains, whilst others experience every symptom under the sun and are left feeling really quite unwell.

I just want to tell you that I don't think you are being unreasonable at all for being a little upset.

I am now 23 and have a planned pregnancy and like you only have a handful of close friends who are not even close to having kids. Two of my close friends do not like children and never want to be parents (which I can respect) but they have surprised me at how accepting and engaged they have been with the pregnancy. When we meet up for catch ups I have felt comfortable to talk about my pregnancy just as I would about work, relationships, home life etc. I think a lot of people who are the first to be pregnant feel like they have to tiptoe around the fact which I think is totally bizarre thing to have to do with your friends. Me and my friends have really different lives and we never hold back from discussing things that we don't always have the same experience with I.e. I know nothing about dating and haven't been single since I was a young teen, BUT I am still very interested in their experiences and give them advice in this aspect of their lives and vice versa when it comes to my pregnancy. If I was in your position, I would try to feel empowered to openly discuss the pregnancy and if they still can't engage then I would discuss it with them. I know some people will argue why should someone feel interested in you being pregnant but the answer is obvious... because YOU are excited and they are your best friends!! Also don't feel bad to have expectations of your friends to show a little interest in your life as you do them. Healthy sustainable friendships have to be an equal of give and take xx

@AELLE7 thank you for your reassuring comment - I was beginning to feel like I WAS being unreasonable!

I share your thoughts, and what lovely friends you have! I completely agree with your point about friends not needing to relate to your every experience for them to show an interest in it or engage in conversation with you about it. I can particularly relate to the dating example you gave. I have also been in a relationship for a long time and yet have consoled and supported friends for hours (on the phone and in person) in regards to their dating troubles. I've spent a lot time in some pretty repetitive conversations with about the same guy/situation (even when they've gone against my advice, which can be quite frustrating at times but I've never shown this or shied away from the conversation because I genuinely care about my friends' well-being and want them to feel unconditionally supported). In addition, when my friend was diagnosed with endometriosis, which I knew nothing about and could not 'relate' to having, I made every effort to research the condition so that I could offer support/advice/information. A lot of the conversations were endometriosis-related at the time and I naturally took an interest it in because she was my friend - I didn't even see it as boring/annoying/a burden. It'd be nice to know that they'd return the same willingness, even if they can't 'relate' to my experience.

Thank you for the advice. I know I should probably express my feelings, I've just not wanted to make anybody feel bad and I've spent a lot of time feeling like I shouldn't feel this way. I'm meeting up with my best friend next week (this'll be the first time she's seen me since I've been pregnant), so we'll see how that goes!

Thank you for showing understanding!

@sunandfire no worries! I didn't want to read and run and for you to feel bad as it's clear you are a very considerate friend. I am in a good place with my friends (we have all been best friends for 13 odd years) but trust me that didn't come without it's problems. Some people in the group I see less often and others, I am inseparable with because that's what works for us. And that came with having many honest conversations about what kind of friends we were to each other and what friendship we wanted in return (I'm making it sound like a relationship lol but for us lot we are an extended family and you have to work at it like everything else).

I can completely relate to giving advice about guys and then being ignored 🙈 It does get frustrating especially when it is sound advice and yet again it shows that as a friend, you do need to persevere with sharing your thoughts and opinions even if the subject bears no resemblance to your own life or is repetitive because at the end of the day it's important to them. I would have also done exactly the same thing as you if my friend had a health condition, and while I wouldn't expect the same from my friends, I would deffo expect to feel comfortable talking about it without fear of isolating them. I know it might be difficult to talk to your friends about how you feel if it continues, but I'm sure once you do you can all find common ground.

I think, and I say this very gently, there are two things here. At 24 if I hadn’t been pregnant (and I was nearly 6 years away from being pregnant) I would have zero understanding of the difficulties of pregnancy and very very little interest in it. I wouldn’t even have known what scans there were or why they were remotely important (beyond the basic checking if the baby is okay). Second, beyond a little cooing I would have had zero interest in a baby and absolutely no understanding of how hard the newborn stage is. So when the baby is here they may not get how difficult it is to just meet for a coffee.
Also, it is possible you may not make mum friends. I did but only when my first was at school. After all other than popping a baby out at the same time you guys have nothing in common. If you are sensitive and feeling closed in by your pregnancy now may be the time to set up some kind of a support network for afterwards. Get in touch with your friends. Tell them what you need. Tell them what you might need. Be self deprecating. Otherwise that feeling of claustrophobia and isolation will get much worse in the early newborn stage.

Agree with Kosha. At 24 I would have had zero interest or knowledge in anything baby or pregnancy related. Your friends are clearly just in a very different point in their lives compared to you right now. But get in touch with them and talk it out!

I was 23 when I was pregnant with my first and quite a few of my friends lost interest. It really frustrates me that they just assumed that because I was pregnant and when I had my daughter that I couldn’t go out so they just stopped inviting me. Even though I’m quite capable of still going for a meal/cinema or a night out as long as I have enough notice to get a sitter. My daughter is nearly 3 now and I still feel upset that 2 of my best friends I had been close with since primary school met her once (I had to drive to them 3 weeks after having a c section) and I’ve not seen them since.
It’s really shit. Regardless of weather they’ve reached the same point in their life as you/they understand pregnancy it dosent take a lot to pop round to you for a cuppa.

If you've never been pregnant before it can be a hard thing to relate to. I was invited to a friend's 30th birthday party on the south coast (about a 3 hour drive away from me) when I was about 8 weeks and had terrible morning sickness. When I told my other friend she just said 'oh just say that you are on medicine and so cant drink alcohol' I don't think she appreciated quite what early pregnancy can feel like. She made me feel quite guilty when I said I wasn't going to go but I think it was because she wanted me to drive her there and back!