Harsh reality. My first midwife appointment..am I alone?wtf

[Newwtothis]

Thanks everyone for taking their time to read this, I hope you are all well!! 😀😊

So I recently found out that I was pregnant, first pregnancy ever 😁😁 it wasn't planned however me and my partner was beyond joyous when knowing as this was always apart of our plans together.... Anyway, I had my midwife appointment the otherday and since have felt deeply upset and really can't seem to shake this off. So I thought I'd come to mums net for any feedback, TIA
So first impressions was really nice, she asked how I was, introduced me to the student midwife who would be taking notes on the computer ect
At that point we were away to get to all the questions (the midwife had already apologized in advance about how long and specific some of the questions could be and how this is a new computer system to hold all data most for the need of progression but some Q's were for 'research' )

Ok I do understand why some questions need to be asked in this dayn age but wheres the realness and love....... just hear me out.

So I'm going through things like , do you have a partner, is he the father , have you/are you in a domestic environment.. drugs, alcohol ect.sadly I didn't get asked how long we've been together, how the relationship is. What our homes like. Our plan none of that .

And then for me, the most disturbing part. We get to other serious questions like any one in your family with mental health.do you have social workers in your life.

Now unfortunately yes my mother has mental health issue nothing of concern now but when I was a younger..so over 13yrs ,due to alot of hard times hitting my mother at once. It didn't effect me so much as I was present to it and also my mother does have social workers in her life for my younger sibling, essentially them and my mother work alongside eachother because of this " mental break down in her past is a future cause for concern" major B S but I digress,

that was the brief break down of my response so because of that. the midwife had to tell me she would now have to make a referral to social workers with me and my baby!?!?!?? At this point I'm at wtf! Me and my partner will be 2 amazing parents who will do our best for our child every step of life but before I can get my first scan it's decided I need social workers?! Where's the knowledge in that?? Is it fair to presume I'd need social workers purely in the fact that my mother has???!!!

I'm sorry everyone for this rant and hope it was easy enough to read.. i unfortunately just now feel really pointless and beyond cofused to how this is justified in anyway ..

What do you think??

They have questions they need to ask. It is for welfare reasons. Hopefully social services will decline to visit or sign it off as no risk. Better they offend 10 people than miss the 1 who needs them. Same reason they ask about domestic violence.

Referral doesn't mean you need social workers. It is highly likely they will get in touch with you, get a few more details, say "oh well, we're here if you need anything" and that will be the end of it.

Midwife - and all the other professionals you'll meet during the course of your baby's childhood - has a duty to note, well, pretty much anything. It's not personal. It's about making sure that of the thousands of children they will meet during their careers, the ones who need help will get it. From their point of view, "better to be safe than sorry", etc.

Congratulations

She’s just doing her job, midwives have a list of things they need to ask and any of the answers can flag something up. It’s not a query on your parenting at all, she’s just following protocol. She had to tick all the boxes to say she’s covered everything, and yes sometimes it may seem a little strange, but it’s so babies who DO need support from SS don’t slip through the net and miss getting the support they need.

Don’t take it to heart, just carry on enjoying your pregnancy as normal and look forward to your scan

I think they have a job to do and it's better to raise it to SS and SS check and say no we won't be involved than they miss a family who need it.
However if they asked if I had SS involved with me I wouldn't have answered yes because my parent has one so I wonder if she has misunderstood, in which case SS will presumably just close the enquiry.

Re where is the love, why doesn't she ask about our plans etc, again she has a job. She needs to understand if you are experiencing DV, might be related to DP, have any other issues. My memory is it took forever without asking how you meet, what names you want and if you believe in colour coding babies. I'm sure she'll make more small talk in future visits.

I do think you need to have thicker skin, from this on everyone feels entitled to an opinion and to judge you. Feeling pointless because mw wants to make sure you're best able to care for your navy isn't a great indicator to your emotional well being and resilience unfortunately

Thank you for the responses.. I've definitely managed to see the other side and it is true when understood... Maybe was taking it too personal tehehe

Thanks guys xxx

Try not to worry! SS are likely to do nothing! I don’t think you’ve over reacted, it was a shock to hear. Keep doing what you’re doing and everything will be fine :)

My daughters midwife did the same due to her having a previous relationship with a known violent man (not the baby's father). My daughter was never contacted by social services - my grandson is a year old now and doing well.

Try to not stress, you've just hit one of their markers so they have a duty to pass it on, social services most likely won't be interested.

Congratulations on your pregnancy

These are all standard questions to understand what care and support you need during pregnancy. There is a reason for each of them and they aren't personal. Also midwives provide care but they aren't relationship counsellors. They need to know if the baby is genetically your partner's, if the two of you are related and whether you have been using drugs or alcohol because it affects the pregnancy. The state of relations between the parents is out of her scope.

On the other hand having had a mother who had social services involvement and support is a flag because we basically learn how to parent from our own parents, and someone who had inadequate or chaotic parenting from their own mother is likely to struggle. If your mother was a good mother who had some tough times no doubt you will be fine. Social services have enough to do.

I'm sure she is just doing her job, though I can understand it must be scary for you to hear that.

I had mental health issues as a teenager and have some nasty and very visible self harm scars on my arm. I got a grilling from my midwife on my first appointment about them too.

Sorry this has put a dampener on things for you OP.

First time pregnancy for me too and my experience so far (I'm 25 weeks) is that midwives have flow charts to follow and tick boxes to complete and beyond that they are not interested in listening to the wider context (which is understandable, using your judgment is a riskier thing than relying on written procedures, so they refer you to someone else who is prepared to make a judgment call). My pregnancy has been very straight forward i have no health issues but I've been sent for 3 completely unnecessary hospital appointments despite explaining why these were unnecessary to then get to the appointment and being met with pissed off consultants / sonographer grilling me about why I was there in the first place. I've learned just to take a deep breath and go with it. It feels worth it when I'm sitting on the sofa feeling DD having some sort of baby disco inside me. All will be well

Try not to worry, it’s unlikely anything will come of it.

Personally going forward I would adjust my answers to future questions now I know what their response would be.

Think of it as they're trying to catch poor at risk babies with a wide net. I was told I'd be referred after my son drank turps (we were at a friends house who had no kids and they didn't put the lid on as it was broken, left it tucked out of the way under a table completely out of sight

Nobody was at fault but I just told doctors I was glad as some things need a courteous glance just in case .... fwiw nobody ever contacted me I suspect it may have gone to my HV who knew me years with both my kids and knew I was overly cautious with literally everything lol so doubt it was neglect that caused it but I'll never know

I think that sounds very intrusive indeed. Was it because there was a student there. I think I'd query this level of questioning. Most of it is none of their business. IMHO. And people can give false information anyway so it's a bit of a waste of time. You should have said no comment.

Vivienne if she had refused to answer that would have definitely flagged up a referral. It’s not intrusive, it’s just trying to get a background of what family life will be like when baby is born. Is to protect vulnerable children.

Don't take it personally. Is their job to ask these questions and refer if there's s Yes to any questions. Social services will then make a call about how to handle it further. And it looks like it won't be of much interest to them.

By the way, I was also taken aback at my first appointment with a midwife. DH had to stay in the waiting room while she grilled me. In the women's loos, they had all sorts of info and secret symbols to put on your urine sample if you suffer domestic abuse etc.

vivienne those questions are absolutely standard and asked nationally to pretty much every expectant mother. I am a social worker and have still (rightly) been asked those questions at every booking appointment. They arent asked with any judgement or to be intrusive.

It's to pick up any mothers/babies that might meet the criteria for some additional support. The midwives are health professionals not your friends at the end of the day. Although the pregnancy might be very special and exciting for the parents it's just all in a day's work for the midwife.

Jojo- not
Seen that - fantastic idea
Though

I think it's intended to ensure you receive the appropriate support to enable your baby and yourselves to thrive.

I know it can feel as though you're being scrutinized but they won't interfere if everything is going ok. Which it's highly likely to.

Good luck with your pregnancy.

Part of our job as health professionals is to identify risk factors. Your plan, what your home is like and all your hopes and dreams really aren’t relevant. They are only relevant to you. I can’t say I chatted about any of that stuff to my midwife. They have a job to do and a set list of questions to ask, don’t take it personally.

Me and my partner will be 2 amazing parents.
But they don't know that, and neither do you, tbh they are completely impartial.

I know it seems harsh, referral to social services still has such a stigma attached to it when in reality they are mostly there to support families and make sure children thrive.
Hopefully you will know from their input with your Mum that they do not go round removing children from families lightly despite their reputation and I am sure they will just want to see for themselves that you and your BF are providing a loving and safe environment for your baby.

I would have been annoyed if these questions weren't asked of me tbh. People take offence at the mw asking the partner to stay outside while they speak to the mum, this has saved womens lives who were suffering from abuse and quite frankly I would have told her anything she asked if it meant she was protecting me and my baby.
OP don't worry about SS, its unlikely you'll hear anything anyway if that's all you've been referred for, they're overstretched as it is. But don't be offended that they didn't ask about your relationship, plans etc, none of that is relevant to them as long as they think there are no risk factors.